isopropyl alcohol

drowning in my own fear. I remember taking what ever pill was near. to block out the light.
trying to burn out the sun so I couldn't see my reflection. To take the pain away from the void I was left.
This girl had me to my knees. two. dozen. or three. so many pills. assortments of thrills.
Klonapin. Xanax. ambien. trazadone. everything anything. washing these little demons.
down with a bottle of isopropyl alcohol. going def. going blind.
crawling on the floor. these feelings were coming up worse with every second of these chemicals.
creeping and intensifying my pain as they dissolved in my blood stream. 
destined for death. I was running out of breathe. crawling on my knees. searching for a phone. knocking things off the shelf.
in the midst to gain balance. but there is no balance in this state. only fear. it was definite genuine fear.
I was so sincere it was all over.
Find a phone. couldn't talk. could only make out one word. "sorry"
I lost the ability to talk. I hear distorted sounds coming through my speaker as it was laying against my ear.
as I was laying on the floor. tears couldn't flow. I couldn't feel the pain. Just the fear.
paralyzed. knowing. I was going to die. Knowing I was wrong. Knowing and wishing I wouldn't have done this.
the last bad decision I thought I would of made. It goes black. I cant react. I thought I was gone. I was just having to wait.
I lose sight. all feeling. and no sight of consciousness. on the floor. this was my tomb. 
storming through the door. timing couldn't have been perfect. a figure. a silhouette grabs and drags me to the bathroom.
triggers my gag reflex. spewing up the chemicals that haven't had the opportunity to make it into my arteries. 
stopped the pain. the killing. I laid there on the floor. till morning. seeping soaking in the ones that I already digested. 
woke up covered in my insides. how did I survive. rushed to a clinic. Its so easy to relive this. Moment of terror.
terror. It still haunts me. 2 years went by. since the doctor said the damage done by this event is unrecoverable.
By the age of 30 I will be dead.... I asked him to repeat what he said.
It sinks in like a knife in my skin. eating me alive.
I shaved a good 50 years off my own life. that's a lot of time. wasted. for a moment of impairment.
I don't cry. but I do ask why. me? to fall into this situation. why did I fall into myself to cause all these tribulations.
over a girl I should have never wrapped up with. 
the trip was fun. but spending my 19th birthday on a hotel room floor while she fucked someone was too much.
I thought I was in love. when push came to shove. I shoved. all these drugs down my throat. sinking in my own boat.
slowly. that's the part that gets me. I am dying. slowly. it allows for me to think a little to much about my consequences.
I cant run and hide. from what could potentially be. and always be. the death of me.

But now I ask. 
what will I leave behind?
will I be forgotten or will my name live on. 
with some type of energy attached to how I react.
will my funeral be empty. or will the world be there?
will I have kids and be married or will I have just stuck to myself.
knowing what lays at the end of my road. 
So I chose to keep my circle small so I don't devastate the ones closest.

How do I live these next nine years. Schools out the question.
whats the point of a career if you cant live for it to become clear.
do I show kindness and leave my mark.
or sink into myself and forget about waiting.
say do it now. instead of debating.
these thoughts are debilitating.
will I be loved. or just another lost soul with bad luck.
fucked. only thing that comes to mind.
no solid ground or monuments to leave behind.
reflecting upon these thoughts spinning in my head into storms.
everything is uprooted and misplaced. disorganized desensitized.
were the doctors wrong? am I going to move along.
or are my liver and kidneys too far gone?
nothing makes sense. I poisoned my body. I already suffer traumatic hearing loss 
vision impaired. stressful. 
maybe this all a bad dream and never happened.
maybe I am just making it out worse than what it really was.
but the doctors words were real they shoot right through me.
insanity. I may be. but how does one go about living after these events.
I was given a second chance fore a real reason.
because I know I for sure I should not be still breathing.
I survived death. I felt it slowly trying to take me.
It will take me quicker than most.
so how am I suppose to live my days?
I am in a haze?
I cant experience everything in what seems like
really just a couple of days.
time goes fast. too fast to react.
I cannot change. or make a difference.
I am stuck on the bottom with no indifference.
Ill die here. its duly noted in my past and backgrounds.
physicals and medical notes.
psyche wards. rehabs and psychiatrists.
all said the same thing.
I hold more in myself than what other people think.
I can change things. I can make a difference in the world.
But the people who think they can change anything of this world is crazy.
then I remember I had this talk in a hospitals gown.
being evaluated by a psychiatrists about my mental health.
and if I am rehabilitated from this tragedy or if I am just alone a tragically lost sanity.
more drugs was the answer. But I never asked any questions. only responded to things he called symptoms.
I am a philosopher of life for I know I might experience very little. 
I almost lost it once. but time i feel as if I have so little.
haunt me in my sleep haunt me in my dreams.
go where ive been. see if you can stay clean.
from any substance after you see what haunts me in my dreams.
where to go from here.
nothing is ever crystal clear. but as of now the past has caught up to me again.
I feel the poisons still intoxicating. deteriorating my insides. nothing to flush them out.
forever eating at myself from the inside out.
how crazy do I sound?
for this is my reality in my everyday.
flashbacks to these setbacks.
have really made me derail from my train tracks. 
If you see me staring off into space.
ignoring every word. every action that just taken place.
its because I am stuck in my head in another time. reliving an event that I cant seem to forget.
I have abused every drug to try and erase these memories. but all they do is keep it here at the back of my mind.
sobriety is worse for I lose my nerves and it truly starts to physically hurt and these dreams come alive and I scream in the night.
I feel my skin crawl at the sight of these sights with my eyes closed tight.
shivers and aches leave me with shakes.
normality is fake. insanity is what I must claim.
crazy. in consciousness and in mind.
bad things happen and you cant press rewind.
there is no time travel. thoughts like these are nothing more than the blind leaving the blind.



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