The Influence

Should I Try to call you saying im doing better. Or should i just burn this letter. I tend to reread every night. If there is one thing i learned in life is that there are somethings you never understand. I picked myself up off the floors from all these pills. Powder and lack of self control. I spent way too long in the dark. On the other side of what seemed the world. To just come back and fight from other types of life's heart attacks. Im not alone here. But I might as well should be. Struggles for what. Nothing makes sense. It obviously doesn't matter. You can do better. But its not easy for me to deal with you resting your head on another mans bed. After all those nights you stayed with me holding me telling me everything will be fine. That you had faith i could break out of this. You were there to dry my eyes. Help me find my strength to get through the darkest nights of my life. I come back after all this. Everything is a different world. Its funny i don't recognize these places i created so many memories in. Just a steady war within my head. Everlasting. Distracting. Thoughts take place. Wasnt ready for closure. I got my composure. But I wish I got a call. A letter. Anything to explain why I am now a ghost in your life. Its funny. I fought for myself. Put 100% into coming back from this. But i never truly got what i really wanted after the rehabs and meetings long periods of isolation and death of close friends that are buried from the same mix. Its a personal let down. But i crave the drugs more than your comfort and touch. But this history... My history might as well be a myth. Because obviously with being blocked out from your phone. And just overall memory. I no longer exist. I just hope it eats you as much as it eats me. That a long time ago in a world that no longer exists i truly thought we were meant to be. But heres to me. For still being able to breathe. And now being able to say. Sorry. Sorry for everything. And sorry for nothing at the same time. I guess this is my way to tell you. Im doing fine. I know im broken and my flaws show. But I am still lovely the way i am. Im still trying to become a man. Disregard me if thats your plan. But i promise. You cant find anything better than what I truly am. Let it sink in. But don't drown in your tears. I am afraid of being alone. But i learned to let go of my fears. So all thats left to say today is cheers. I made it this far. Without wishing upon any stars. I saved them for what matters in my world. But i cant wish for this. If you want me to think you don't exist. So my wish will fall on deaf ears. But i still disregard my fears. Just to spite all the past tears.

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