My Bank Robbery Fiasco
Clark Steven Lupton
March 2, 2005
I planned to rob a bank by myself
It was an enormous task
I would need a getaway car
And I would need a robber’s mask
I thought of all the money I’d steal
It gave me real joy
But I didn’t want to hurt anyone
So my gun had to be a toy
So then I went into a Makati bank
There were lots of people inside
I told the teller I was a bank robber
But she thought that I had lied
So I put on my mask and said, “Give me all your money!”
And then I showed my toy gun
She filled my bag with a lot of money
And I thought that I was done
I rushed out of the bank
It was as though I was never there
Then I went to my getaway car
But it went flat, without a spare
Then the police were alerted
I could hear their sirens wailing
I was starting to get worried
Because my foolproof plan was failing
I needed to escape
But I was just too cheap
Instead of hailing a taxi
I got into a jeep
It turned out there was traffic
Of that you shouldn’t doubt
But it turned out to be my good luck
Because the jeep weaved in and out
The driver was fast
While the traffic was slow
We were outrunning the police
And then he said, “Ang bayad mo!”
The money was in thousand peso bills
I didn’t have five fifty in change
I told him, “I have no coins,
Is there something else we can arrange?”
He said in perfect English,
“You have no money and you’re all talk.
If you don’t give me your fare
You can get out and walk!”
I said, “You’re an upstanding driver-
A responsible citizen I can tell,
Not only do you speak good English
You also rhyme quite well.”
He said, “If you don’t pay me now
Then from this jeepney you are barred
I don’t need this extra crap
A driver’s life is hard.”
I got out and looked for an empty taxi
But at that time there were none
The police were getting nearer
So I broke into a run
I was in the middle of Ayala
And I needed a place to hide
I was near Glorietta
So I thought I would duck inside
But there was a problem
There were checkpoints at every door
So I checked my moneybag at the baggage claim
Because that’s what they’re there for
So I seemed safe
And so did the cash
But I still had the mask and toy gun
So I threw them in the trash
Then I watched a couple of movies
And by the end of the day
No cops had caught me
It looked like crime does pay!
But I was awoken the next morning
The police had raided my place
“You’re under arrest for bank robbery –
You are scum and a disgrace!”
I pleaded, “How did you find me?”
They said, “Simple police format,
There was one car parked in front of the bank all night
And it had a flat.
“We investigated this clue
Like the bright policemen that we are
We simply looked at the license plate
And traced you as the owner of the car.”
It was starting to be my worst day
And out of my bed I had risen
I had thought it would be the start of my leisurely life
But my new life would now be in prison.
There’s good money in bank robbery
In fact there’s a whole lot
But the trick to a successful heist
Is to not get caught!