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I wish I could say
I haven't been waiting
For a stomach full of missing
For a simple ounce of heartbreak
For a splash of red on fabric
And the silence while i lie still
In a room you've never set foot in
Stings my ears more than any sound could
Thoughts prevent any noise from the silence
From reaching my ears
Even the loudest crash or yell
Would be detered by the queue of thoughts
That runs through my head
Leaving a trail behind it
Like footprints on untrodden snow
Everywhere it wanders
Where a blizzard covers the tracks
And the only way to find my way back
Is to crawl through frostbite
On my way to peace of mind.
Often you can't turn back
The thoughts just go on and on forever
Until you take in everything.
Overwhelming
Never ending
Slowly tiring
Finally
Gone.

Gone?

No.
And now the more i try to stay calm
The more panicked i become
There's no control anymore
And that's the worst of it all
Especially with the longing
A longing for pain
A longing for love
A longing for alone-ness
A longing to be held
A longing for tears
A longing for
"Everything will be okay."
A longing for promises
A longing for threats
A longing for a large, black emptiness
And nothing else
Yet it still doesn't stop
As you must know by now
Because why would a train stop for nothing?
No one could if they wanted to.
If you can concentrate on nothing
Soon the thought
"i've done it!"
Has invaded your mind
Disappointment wells
Frm deep within my chest
As some small realization
Has come again.
After so many failures
There's always time to stop trying

"Never say never
And never give up"
But my chest is imploding
And the tears won't let up

The familiar old tightness
Of muscles in wrists
And the aching of painlessness
And hands turned to fists

Suddenly the walls look
Just that much more soft
The curiosity about breaking
Seems to never wear off

And there's a beauty in breaking
Like when eyes turn to red
Not from any "medecine"
But just from laying in bed

Where sole comfortors
Are waves of salt water tears
Dripping like blod
From old mistakes and new fears

And they'll bleed and they'll bleed
But guilt never dies
Until Death comes to save you
And erases your lies