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The pigheaded ex-fiancé
One rare windy night, Joey, the neighbor upstairs, invited me on a date. He told me that the place was a surprise and didn’t want to tell me how to dress for the occasion. My god I was nervous, what if I didn’t look ok? I mean, it was my first date after all. Well, at least it was my first real date after the last big failure. He said this: “All you should do is look like yourself, but if you can you should wear a smile too.” That hit me, doesn’t I smile enough? Does it mean he pretends to make me happy? I wish he will, I deserve it.
After twenty minutes of changing my outfit over and over, never completely satisfied, someone knocked at my door and of course I supposed it was my neighbor letting me know it was time to leave. I get my feet, my waist, my breasts and the rest of my body into the bodysuit, take a purse and run down the stairs. Two floors down I reached the entrance but nobody was there so I went outside my building and, oh surprise, there wasn’t my neighbor Joey, instead, my ex-boyfriend was standing like a fool waiting for me, with a bouquet of peonies in one hand and the other hand extended as if expecting me to give him mine. Of course, I didn’t even consider to say “Hi”, “You here? Is this a joke?” I said. He started laughing, which made me angrier.
Suddenly a mentally cracking thought came back to me, this is why Joey told me to wear a smile. Joey wanted me to pretend I was happy to see Fallon, the ex-boyfriend who left me at the aisle. Why would Joey do this to me? Was Fallon paying him? Are they friends and this is a favor for Fallon? Doesn’t matter, I’m leaving now.
After climbing up a few steps a hand reaches my shoulder and stops me from moving. I abruptly take the hand out of me, he’s not worthy of touching me, not anymore. I turned around and slapped his left cheek, I believed it would leave marks after hearing his prosthetic tooth cracking. Then I genuinely smiled, it was hilarious. But it wasn’t that funny to him, he left the flowers on the first step and left the building. After a few seconds of hysterically laughing, I ran out of the building and chased him to his car. He was blocking his mouth with one hand and the other was about to open the door but there he stood without moving, I was next to him so I could sense his confusion. He suddenly turned around and asked me: “Why?”. Then I saw it, a big hole right in the middle of his mouth, just where it’s supposed to be a tooth. Another round of laughing and a few tears as well came out of me. He was toothless, he was finally getting a little of the embarrassment I felt the day of our wedding when he didn’t show up.
I am not a bad person, I never was. I felt guilty about the tooth situation so I asked him to come upstairs to my apartment so we could figure out what to do. I opened my fridge, I found ice cubes and frozen meat. I put a bunch of ice cubes in a towel and made him open his mouth so he could put the ice where the tooth was missing. The frozen meat went directly to his cheek, which still was red like a tomato. He broke the awkward silence with a simple “Then, we’re leaving or what?”. I stood up, slapped his other cheek, grabbed his stuff and kicked him out of my apartment.
What a night that was. I ended up having a date with myself and the brand-new bath tub, and, after a few ounces of wine, I fell asleep with my head held high and my pride intact.
