confidence

Feeling at home within yourself

at some point you stepped outside yourself

for a smoke or a breath of fresh air

and when you tried to get back in touch with your body

you found that calling it home was not the same as feeling welcomed there

 

so, you vandalized the structure and punched holes in the walls

for a motive to continue self-destruction

and when you were smothered in debris missing your bed

you found that you couldn't even get sleep in a place of such head corruption

 

too far gone to decide to think happy thoughts

for fooling yourself can barely even compose a foundation 

and when you asked for help no one could help you in a way that didn't enrage you

you found that your motivation was to deter and hinder pro-creation

 

somewhere you got tangled in the web of someone much like you

for they were afflicted with the same burden in their heart

and when you told them that you loved them 

you found that to have that reciprocated you must love yourself as a start

 

confused and violated and sick of yourself

for you couldn't extract emotion from anything 

and if you did it was unpleasant or placed on a damned old shelf

you found that songs you knew by heart you could no longer sing

 

at some point you stepped outside yourself

for a smoke and a breath of fresh air

and when you tried to get back in touch with your body

you found a corpse with cobwebs in its stare

 

 

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Fatally Accepted

Folder: 
The Rest

It vacillates, that pride in self
Spins from more than enough to apparently nothing at all.
Professionally and in portions of private
Bound up by the varnish of confidence
Then in corners of lonely and doubtful
You see the surrender of self
The brief look at things to improve
Then the slow easy slide into what’s the point
People know and care and support
Expect nothing more than what it is
Excuse temporary self-centric aberrations
Excuse self harm in the form of indulgence
God what a sick making irony
Close to all that you can mentally be
While physically acceptance is fatal.

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Tears For My Adversary

Folder: 
Untitled. . .

Why did you do this?

I ask you for nothing

I didnt even know you.

Why me?

I deserve an answer.

Instead you grin.

Tear one.

I even tried to help you

Still sour?

Ill play by your rules

You snicker. This is pain.

Tear two.

Im trying to understand.

If you would let me.

Wait, I dont need your permission!

You dont own me!

Smacked down

While hearing the sound of hysterical laughter

Three, Four. . .Tweleve. . . Twenty.

I give up.

I can no longer cry for you, Confidence.

      Sharmaine Marie
NOV 5 2012 6:56 PM

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I lack confidence, sometimes I dont. Even having confidence in a situation can still end badly. Sometimes confidence changes nothing. All you can do is wait and see. What happens, happens.

Warm Null Void

There were stronger days where waiting
didn't force my eyes toward strangers,
patient in their own submissive way while rather
ugly in their chosen manners.
Skin worn tight upon their bones and
constantly consuming pulp;
spitting out receipts and change while lacking
the slightest notion this way, that.
During all my time observing,
organizing thoughts in sequence,
all these people seem to slip away
and through my semi-conscious fingers.
But I won't regret their leaving
or fume about the ways they'd bested --
I'll simply watch them go and clatter
while I enjoy the quiet alone.

Not Landing

Do you really think that I'm scared to die?
Go ahead and shoot me through the eye
Do you really think I'm afraid to live?
Giving into everything that I can give

Death is nothing more than an open door
Life is a journey and nothing more

Cracked but not broken;
Shattered by words unspoken;
Glued and tied back together;
By myself, friends, and whoever

Do you really think that you can hurt me
Yes you can and that's a guarantee

But do you really think your bruises will last forever
No, NO, they NEVER!!!

Do you really think that I am weak?
All the shit I've been through, dare I speak?

Bitch, I'm still standing
In the air and I'm not landing

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A Dilemma For The Individual

A contrast of thought
A dilemma unspoken
To find oneself
Do we want it or not?

Are we searching something feared
Or are we finding satisfaction?
To find oneself
It's a question unanswered

We search with help
We search alone
To find oneself
Can we own our hope?

Once we have found that being
Stopped searching because we know
To accept oneself
Is a feat everyone is learning

Those around us die
We know who they were
To accept oneself
In the moment, to try

Every one is some one
People know who we are
To accept oneself
To know I'm just one

Be the best possible in trial
Though i don't know myself, someone does
To BECOME oneself
To know, to accept, without defile.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this in a graveyard and didn't think much of it when I finished. But i found this recently and I think it's pretty meaningful

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Ego Enigma

Folder: 
FUN STUFF!

Pluck all the haters
pluck all the lazy ones
pluck all thier insecurities
and chuck them in the annointed abyss

pluck all the users
pluck all the misers
pluck all the losers
and call them to account and smash their egos in

pluck all the rumours
pluck all that defiles
pluck all their foolshit
and jam it up thier hopeless selfish ends

pluck all the attacks
pluck all the misunderstanding
pluck all their false bravado
and hang them with thier ineptitude deftly

pluck all the envy
pluck all the deciet
pluck all the faker lies
and return your glance a glacier icy slice

pluck all the energy
pluck all the time
pluck all the effort
and love it gently putting it into a worthy vein

pluck all the venom
pluck all the conspiracy
pluck all the Haters
and swap all the first 2 words l's with h's read now

pluck all the last lastlines
pluck all the the last words
pluck all their meaning last to first.
and all will make sence when going back and understanding what I meant.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I like puzzles and poems. I darkly morphed the two with an issue I feel strongly about.