relationship

A Year Or So Ago

Folder: 
Personal

"It's been over a year. 

I realize, 

eyes playing about on dates

of the calender.

 

Suddenly thinking

back to a year before, 

days exactly 364.

So, less than a year, 

 

by hours. When the

lips that pressed were ours.

When our fingers intertwined, 

when we felt each others' bodies, 

 

souls, mind. 

So wrong, so forbidden, 

it felt right.

Written into passing,

 

the scripts and screenplay

of night-time stays, 

never staying until morning. 

Visits, 

 

door left unlocked, 

just in case.

Offered, often heard, 

only once utilized. 

 

She always said she would. 

 

Eventually. 

She did, 

softly cooing my name, 

pulling me out of my slumber, 

 

and instantly hopping into my bed, 

my arms, pulling her close. 

My warm bare skin

 

juxtaposed to her cold clothing. 

We soon matched. 

There was no lack

of mutual attraction, 

 

no shortage of constant communication, 

trips, adventures, 

ridiculous confessions 

and straight-forward denial. 

 

I denied I did wrong, 

to myself. 

Who knows how she felt.

All I know 

 

is that she felt good, 

she felt like home, 

like I belonged. 

Longing for her scent, 

 

I still remember

how it drove me wild.

Past-tense, 

as she liked to point out.

 

It's a lie, 

there is nothing passed. 

Though, once she asked

if she was hurting me.

 

I, misunderstanding, 

replied, 'why, no, 

it's my other shoulder 

that's broken.'

 

She grinned, 

leaning into my arms, 

'no,' she said, 

'this. Us.'

 

It hurt, 

seeing her dog I grew to adore

slowly separate us on the couch 

a year or so ago. 

 

It hurts still

thinking of some details. 

Fond memories, 

so vivid, full of her laughter. 

 

Haunted by scorn, 

the scorn of several people, 

over all that transpired. 

You'd think a year

 

would wash it all away, 

but nothing is past-tense. 

Hence, 

 

the dreams. 

Thoughts I can't deny, 

lying that they're gone.

They aren't.  

 

I was told it was trouble,  

I was warned. 

But still I got in her car, 

she got in mine. 

 

She's a phone call away;

I don't have the heart

to dial, 

knowing damn well

 

I'd immediately answer if she called. 

Does she read my poetry? 

Does she think of me?

Love me like I love her still? 

 

I should have not turned my cheek.

I should have came to her rescue 

against canine off-leash. 

But I didn't. 

 

And I wish I had.

Instead, all I have

is a book with edits, 

another that's a gift

 

belonging to her, 

one of her favorites. 

We even shared a quote, 

'Never lend a book.'

 

An act of affection instead, 

one of several.

She never said the words, 

but she gave me many gifts. 

 

It started with a cold can.

That's how she loved me.

I wish I had realized it

a year or so ago."

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem I was too scared to post for a long time. Funny how time heals. 

Hannah

Folder: 
2017

You build mountains

but from where you are

you say they look like falling
apart

and cover your head

just in case they come crumbling down.

They are made of something I can’t break.

 

You sew us together

in a twist of words

until we don’t know our own
names…

we just know we belong here.

Our ties have your fingerprints.

 

If you can reach past the ground you’re locked on

I want to lay dreams for
you like railroads

until there’s nowhere you can’t go.

 

You stepped to the air.

The stars said your name

 

and we all looked up.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 6/4/17

Keep Your Silver

Folder: 
2017

I don’t want to fix you,

I want to find a few of the pieces,

slide them till they shine enough for you to want them

and watch the world sit at your fingertips.

 

I will lie here too long,

think too much like always

because I love the sound of your smile

and I want to know what sparks it.

 

I want to miss you

just so I know I can feel more than smoke

I want to hold you

when you think the splatters on your sleeve are worth more than your soul

I want to tell you

keep your silver closer to your tongue.

 

It is locked too deep in a barricade,

it is shelved with the things you want to forget but can’t

or the things you only want to remember on lonely nights,

bring it up

so I can see it when you laugh

so you take what you deserve

so it slides from your lips like a symphony

I am good.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 6/2/17

Let Go

Verse 1:

If only we could just let go,

Loving you wouldn't be painful.

It's worth going through the motions.

But my love for you is blind.

 

Chorus:
We got to let go of our ghosts.

It haunts you yet suffocates you.

You fun and search for air

But your breath is short.

 

Verse 2:
Out of these things,

I think I love you better.

Our compromises and disagreements

Have strengthen our bond and relationship.

 

Bridge:
'Cause I know you by heart,

Where every you will go,

I will be there.

Always together, always forever.

If only we could just let go.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is about loving someone who is "broken" or two "broken" people in love.

Waiting

Verse 1:

We weren't meant to spend

a lifetime waiting.

I've waited long enough.

Tell me,

What is it you feel?

 

Chorus:
Our love is undefined

Yet stronger than ever.

It bends, it breaks

As time goes on.

 

Verse 2:
The cracks in our love

are filled with glistens of gold.

Mended: it represents our love.

It stands the test of time.

 

Bridge:
Waiting a lifetime for you.

Been out here too long.

Keep me hanging on.

'Cause you're my only one. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Wrote this song while I was really emotional and overanalyzing and overthinking every possible relationship scenario in my head...It's about my first love, to be honest. We haven't technically, broken up yet but we are a part of each other's lives, whether we realize it or not.

Pocketbook Memories

Folder: 
2017

strange things happen

when sleep doesn’t.

 

sometimes

you happen to me.

 

sometimes

I live in the space in my mind

with your name on it

longer than I should,

shorter than I want to.

 

sometimes

I wake up to find pocketbook memories

sleeping next to me

from moments that still sound like dreaming,

from lips that have left

but I feel them every time I’m alone.

 

strange things happen

when I keep choosing you

at any minute,

in different ways,

I know them when the sun is awake

or I slip into them as I fall asleep

or I remember them as soon as I open my eyes.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 5/31/17

Lady Bug

I remember in the beginnig

we were just "going with the flow"

you planned a roadtrip

and kept the destination a secret 

 

I remeber feeling elated, excited, alive 

you pulled over next to a sunflower field

and I found myself, heart racing,

pushing through tall grass, 

jumping a barbed wire fence

and returning with my prize

 

I remember that beautiful little town

how the next day,

you took me to the bird sanctuary 

how I sat there admiring these creatures 

how I envied their wings

 

I remember when all those ladybugs

dotted your car 

How I felt like a child

waiting for each one to fly away

 

And later, finding a little lost lady

inside with us

how I wanted her to stay 

how we cracked the window

and set her free instead 

I remember wishing upon her beauty

 

and the next day at breakfast,

how I shrieked when a giant locust

crashed into my face 

except it wasn't a locust

you reached over to reveal another

little dot lady and I squealed with delight 

 

her little legs tickled my hand

at the tip of my pinkie she spread her

little wings and fluttered away

I remember we looked up her meaning

lady of luck, messenger of blessings to come

how I felt it could not have been

more perfect with you 

 

And then the drive home,

Spotting yet another little lady 

trapped inside your car

how we were already driving too fast

how she held on to the window's edge

how I urged her to fly

 

You suddenly pulled over

and I remember thinking it was

the sweetest thing of you to do 

I remember telling the little lady she could fly

how I whispered goodbye when she did 

how my heart surged with gratitude

while my eyes got warm and salty

how you pulled me to you

and how that kiss tasted like flying

I felt like the luckiest lady in the world

 

you called me your Lady Bug

I'll never forget it 

 

 

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Deserve

Folder: 
2017

I always thought I would run from this,

I would only chase down things I know won’t leave a mark

Now the best my hands have held is you

but I won’t always grip this tight

because I don’t know if you have it wrong.

I want to believe you have it wrong.

 

This is not always what you want to hear

but it is what you deserve,

it is what I need to say.

This is not always what I should believe

but I am thinking the best I can.

 

I am thinking I don’t mind falling through this breathtaking sunset skyline.

I am thinking we sometimes don’t need to breathe.

I am thinking there is something beautiful

crawling out of the mess we made

and as you pull away

I am even more at home

I don’t know if you have it right.

 

Maybe.

Maybe something will break.

Maybe someone will be left shivering under the stars.

Maybe someone will be left shattered.

Maybe it will be worth it.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 5/31/17

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Kind Of

Folder: 
2017

I am kind of asleep.

I am kind of screaming.

I am kind of lying.

I am kind of shaking.

I am kind of breaking the rules.

I am kind of on top of the world.

I am kind of on fire.

I am kind of in love with you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 5/31/17