loss

The poem that shouldn't be written

Folder: 
2017

I always do this to myself.

I think it’s okay to rip off the band aid.

And I end up bleeding

All over again.

 

I think the wound has healed.

But eventually, I always

Tear it open again.

Leaving another hole in me.

 

It seems like we could pick up

Where we left off

Like nothing has changed.

And I could find home in you again.

 

I could easily fall back in love with you

Who says I’m not still.

Part of me wishes I would.

We could be as great if not better than before.

 

Your house still smells the same.

It brought back a lot of memories.

I didn’t realize how much

I missed my second home.

 

I know you feel the same.

I know you hope that

We could pick up where we left off.

You hope that we could make up lost time.

 

I wish I could still be part of your life.

I don’t want you to kiss other people.

I don’t want you to fall for someone else.

But I don’t want to be that girl.

 

I don’t want to keep you from being happy

I just wish I could be part of it.

I can’t be selfish.

I hope you can move on.

 

I can’t go back

Even if part of me wants to.

I know I made the right choice

Even though sometimes it feels wrong.

 

This time I need to let the wound heal,

And not reopen it.

I know it’ll leave a scar.

And when I look at it,

I’ll think of you.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 6/4/17

Unrequited Puzzle Pieces

She bottled the impossible

With silent gestures she kept audible

While constantly perfecting improbable obstacles

She was always steady and volatile

Keeping reality optional

She moved in a way that was almost comical

Methodical in how she kept  herself intentionally watchable

She was an angel draped over something diabolical

 

But you see,

Her love, it was kind of clumsy

So before she could even share something

Her heart, it was already crumbling

But some how lucky

When most just stared dumbly

As people asked what could be done in tones quickly hushing

And were answered with nothing

She licked her lips and they tasted of honey

Then she knelt in a sunbeam and she began softly humming

As she put back together Humpty Dumpty

 

She was meticulous and neat

And she memorized each shattered piece

Right there in the street

She stayed on her knees like a priest

And as the light teased to the east

The beast eyed her technique

But didn't speak

A deep heat seeped through her cheeks

Time seemed to increase in speed then ease

 

Sweat glistened over her skin and muscles

She was deft and subtle

As she shuffled through the rubble

Trying to coax a whole from this puzzle

We call Humpty Dumpty

She was trouble

But Humpty, he thought she was lovely

See, when he was all about beneath her heels crunching

Thinking this is the end it must be

And is, there a special hell for his particular type of shell

Or just nothing

 

No matter where the end

She was able to put Humpty together again

She repaired him, but you see her intent it was just pretend

She filled in each crack with future revenge

Making a mortar of resentment mixed with torment

In a violent and bitter personal blend

That she could later rend and augment

Again and again

 

But, she stayed...and there were more falls

Never had one seen an egg so mauled

Humpty, he would fall then drink and drawl

He would scrawl small obscenities all over the wall

He would crawl to the top dripping ethanol

And scream about his cholesterol

And the proper protocol

For being a neanderthal

 

But, it turned out Humpty was jumping from the wall after all

Time after time just pissing

Missing the seat and painting the stall

Wheezing deep breaths of albuterol

While screaming who made him the intercontinental apostle

Made of Swedish meatballs from Montreal

For Humpty it seemed to be now, that lucidity was a fluid thing

And he was just barely able to forget his faults

With an hourly top off of propylene glycol

And Rubbing alcohol

In a way that couldn't really be considered sub-lethal

 

Instead of braving what might be  waiting

And facing down the sound at the end of the hall

Humpty became addicted to the whoosh and rush of the fall

He'd hide from the shame engraved in stains across his frame

By breaking and cracking his own skull

Always seeking the oblivion that called from the bottom of the wall

 

Now left alone with only pieces of him galled

She became used to her tears and the taste of their salt

The manic habit was static and so sad but too late to halt

Till one day she looked down at it all and

Couldn't find a single thing in her life by which she wasn't appalled

So she finally took all of Humpty’s pieces

And she mashed them into a lumpy little ball

That she placed upon her lap

As she sat atop the wall

 

Looking down wondering what it'd be like to fall

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is an allegorical analogy of true stuff. tell me what you think....

Fantastically Fictional Phantasms

Blushing his mind was suddenly buzzing

With a rushing kind of thrumming thundering

His hands fumbling with wistful whispering

As he stilled listening

Quivering in attention to her symphony

Moving so fluidly it seemed

She was perfect symmetry

If symmetry could sing infinitely

While still breathing

 

Red lips and a tongue ring

Swayed hips like an epiphany

He used ink viciously

As he tried to capture her being

In pages of calligraphy

Ultimately ending in simplicity

And writing only two words worth keeping

Lovely,

And Epitome

But even that seemed to be a study in futility

Close, but still just a facsimile

 

Now even attempting such a thing

Was like extemporizing a soliloquy

When she’s not in the scene

It was a crushing ruptured something

Lusting up toward her but just...brushing

See because,

 

Crystallized starlight and sunbeams

Are the color of her eyes for one thing

Her makeup was made of the constant fluttering

Of a thousand different shades of butterfly's wings

Her body wrapped with swirling images of things

Half shown only teasingly

Blues and pinks perfectly painted in permanent ink

She wore a meticulous modesty like an alluring anthology

Audibly dancing the lines of an infatuation with her body

Calmly, and without a hint of apology

 

Never did they speak

But he thought of her with a quietly

Quickening need

Like a disease

Degenerative and growing constantly

Her motion kept within a distant proximity

Close, but still just out of reach

Orbiting fitfully like a belief caught by gravity

Even the fleeting demons seemed to freeze

The needle points of their teeth not quite so pressing

Folded and creased with every word that she’d speak

 

See,

He wanted God but was stuck in the ministry

She was the girl of his dreams

Literally

An Ideal over which he found himself continuously

Waxing rhapsodically

Lasting and wrapped softly

In prose and in poetry

She was the standard for every real meeting

The source of a lonely rising anxiety

Only interspersed by other versions sporadically

By terse blurred physical excursions endured silently

Violent and briefly blinding

Lost like a leaf in lightning

 

She was a masterpiece paraded in pageantry

Absently grasping at the fantasy of his own imagining

She was a fiction with...

Cherry flavored lips and a tongue ring

Swayed hips like an epiphany

And eyes the color of crystallized starlight

And sunbeams

Too caught up in the dream

To realize he was sleeping

He fell in love with a faery

 

He just couldn’t see her wings

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Tell me what you think...

Find You

Folder: 
2017

I find you and find you and still

I think I could lose you again

I might hope but it won’t end up growing

so take us how we are.

 

I breathe you and breathe you and still

I don’t want to find another atmosphere

Turn the page and we fall into fragments

but glass is all I want sometimes.

 

I choose you and choose you and still

it matters to me so much what I say

so trust me, you are here and I will not lie but

I will not say everything I want to.

 

I love you and love you and still

I can’t give you all of the burning

The end is the only thing I need to swallow

and never want to see.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 5/19/17

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This Time Without

This time without

 

Be patient my mind says

The hardest time of my life

Seconds into minutes into hours and into days

This time without my wife

 

When and if it will ever end

The ticking of the clock constantly in my head

This time without my best friend

Waiting for news I know I will dread

 

Trying to respect rules that have been given

While writing things that will never be seen

Going through the motions of living

Hoping you can understand what I mean

 

Days of anxiety and despair

All the while dreaming of your smile

This time without the only one I care

Feeling as if my soul is on trial

 

The hardest part is knowing the end

Knowing that you can stay away

Hoping for messages you will never send

And words you will never say

 

This time without half of my soul

Waiting and watching for something that will never be

Alone I am destined to grow old

Without the one who means everything to me

 

I tell myself to let you go

That our time has come and gone

My head tells me this is so

But my heart tells me to carry on

 

Carry on hope that is lost

This time without my better half

If you can stay away at such a cost

Wondering who now makes you laugh

 

I can not take another day

Asking questions with only one answer

It is easier for you to stay away

Than to risk a life with me

This time without my wife

Has given me a glimpse into my tomorrows

Without any joy or happiness in my life

My soul filled with heartbreak and sorrows

 

Occasionally I hold out hope

That my phone will beep or ring

Just giving me enough rope

Enabling my whole being to sing

 

But its been days out of our time

An eternity costing me any chance or try

My life hanging on a thin line

Wondering how you can even get by

 

Finding it impossible to completely follow your request

Reaching out with occasional desperation

My stomach turning and a pain in my chest

Like a prisoner put in isolation

 

If we are meant to be we are meant to be you always say

You must not feel my pain of separation is my reply

A year goes by every day

More and more I realize It’s just a dream in my sky

 

I have given up any hope we reunite

Not in this life that’s for sure

I just hope that when I see the light

It is you who opens the door

 

I love you more than I ever thought I could

I look forward to your visits in the night

If I knew what to do anything I would

While I realize I am out of your heart not just out of your sight

 

This time without my perfect match

Has taught me how much I had

I want to just reach out and catch

That love I want back so bad

 

I wish I would hear from you

I wish I heard the words I want to hear

I wish I held on to hope for tomorrow

I wish I could hold you near

 

When I am alone with you at night

It is the best part of my day

All I know to do is try and fight

To make you want to stay

 

This time without you has scarred me

And made me face the brutal fact

You don’t feel like we are meant to be

You are happier without my act

 

I am sorry I let you down

I am sorry that it ended this way

I am sorry you can live without me

I am sorry you have no words to say

 

Facing the end of us and we and our love

Facing your happiness without me around

Facing all the signs from above

Facing the truth that I let you down

 

I want to say all the right things

And just try and leave you alone

To forget we once exchanged rings

To forget that apart we have grown

 

I love you now more than ever before

With that love in my heart I have let you go

To live without me and see what is in store

A lasting image of soul exposed to show

 

Hope is all but lost for me and you

This I know now and have given up hope

I will always be here and there is nothing I won’t do

Swimming in the eternity of my prison moat

 

This time without the one who means all

Has taught me nothing I didn’t already know

There is nothing and nobody to catch our fall

My heart and my soul tell me so

 

I never thought you could stay away

But you have and have made it clear

Your life will has continued on to another day

With my role in it not wanted or near

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this after my wife left and coming to the realization she was not coming back

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Places (day 186)

There are places to see
there are places to be
There are places to leave me alone
There are places to feel
there are places to heal
There are places to go when you’re gone
 
There are places that don’t need a seeker of sorrow
but I still end up there anyway
There are places that won’t ever have a tomorrow
cracked roads run beneath so I’ll stay
 
There are places to breathe
there are places to speed
There are places to leave me alone
There are places to feel
there are places to heal
There are places to go when you’re gone
 
There are places to shake
there are places to break
There are places that won’t ever know
How this ending will come
where we will run from
Shaking the streets as we go
 
There are places to burn
there are places to learn
There are places to leave me alone
There are places to feel
there are places to heal
There are places to go when you’re gone
Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 1/29/17

Seek

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Light Switch (day 184)

My marveling spent on your outline,

frames that don’t hold any pasts,

maybe no future.

 

But this blood is not something I can stop from burning.

 

I pull out my eyelashes from floor to ceiling,

wishing when I can’t dream,

smiling when I can’t see,

staying when I can’t leave.

 

With the flick of a finger,

the blink of an eye,

you’re a dark room I can’t figure out without stumbling.

 

But this heart is not something I can turn on and off.

 

Please don’t leave me in this galaxy

when you go stargazing,

and when the dawn breaks

please leave the light on when you go.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 1/27/17

Light switch

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Why Do We Write?

Folder: 
Favorites

 

Why do we write?
Are we selfish?
Or trying to escape?
No, it’s not for us.

 

We write for the boy,
Who never hears
His mother’s
Reassuring voice.

 

We write for the girl,
Who never feels
The embrace
Of her father’s arms.

 

We write for the friends,
Who never remember
What sadness is
When they’re together.

 

We write for the teams,
That never recall
The last loss
When they raise the trophy.

 

We write for the ones we love,
Who will never forget
The sound
Of our voice.

 

We write for the parents,
Who will never move past
The last glimmer
In the eyes of their child.

 

We write for the discriminated,
Who will never give up
On the dream
Of a hero.

 

We write for the world,
Who will never lose
Her graceful beauty
Even in the darkest times.

 

We write for the voiceless,
Who will never stay silent
Even though we ignore
Their words.

 

We write for the complacent,
Who will never change
Even when
We need them the most.

 

We write for the unjust,
Who will never understand
The pain they cause
The suffering they inflict.

 

We write to be heard.
We write to make a difference.
We write to be happy.
We write to be sad.
We write to explore freedom.
We write to remember.
We write to forget.
We write to ignore.
We write to hear.

 

Why do we write?
We write because the world needs to speak.
We write because the world wants to listen.
We write because some of us never forget.
We write because the world needs to change.

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tags:

"And Once I Knew, it Was Too Late"

by Jeph Johnson


And once I knew, it was too late

All the signs I had misread
Became the binds that sealed my fate
And the mem'ries I'd retread
O'er the mountains of my joy
'Neath the valleys of despair
All the hope I held, destroyed
With no promise for repair
In an instant love is hate
Giggling carefree through my tears
Apologies I made too late
Must have fallen on deaf ears
How to love her was my aim
Though not accurate or straight
I've only myself to blame
And once I knew, it was too late

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2016 

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