loss
It's My Sweet Momma
07-17-2020
Missing Him
You continue to fight the system,
I know that you miss him,
I don't know why,
You refuse to let go,
Of the dream that faded away,
You continue to cause pain,
When it can go away,
No matter how hard,
You scream at the sky,
He ain't ever comming back,
He died for his cause,
What he believed,
Just because you won't agree,
Won't cause him to be beamed back,
From the past battles he fought,
And the one he did return,
But in a box and uniform,
To his last place,
Where he shall forever stand guard,
Oneday he will stand guard next to you,
Cold Embrace
Timber Merchant
When I was a child
I remember you carrying me in your arms
the grey pseudo membrane covers my pharynx
making it difficult to breathe
Diphtheria was common in those days
You were turned away
from the footsteps of Holy family hospital
I saw despair
Flow down your cheeks
Where to now
You murmured
As I slipped into unconsciousness
The haveli in Shimla
Amidst blue pines
You, your young family
My father, his brothers and sisters
Settled, content and happy
Forest was your business
Himalayan cedar, silver fir, white oak
Your touch turned them to gold
You took to the road in ‘47
Independence from British Raj and idolaters
carnage ensued
innocents, vulnerable
those who had no say, paid
The Punjabi sky above endured,
said no word but it poured
you spoke little about exodus of your own choice
and loss of everything
the hardship years, the eldest his fits of psychosis
chained, there was no PTSD in those days
people took things in their stride
his young siblings, their silent cries of pain
for the valley, the green trees
the wind that rustled between
the paths that led to nowhere
your hands never spoke of the stories
but you rebuilt the nest
and one by one they flew
some near
others to faraway lands
I want to know more about you grandpa
I am not small anymore but your legacy is so much bigger
One thing I am certain
giving up was never in our blood
Release Me
I have wasted
My time
My energy
My breath on you
I have gotten
Nothing
Emptiness
Loneliness from you
You have fooled me
Put a veil over my eyes
Tricked me
Into loving you
You have taken, everything
My heart
My body
My mind from me
Yet
I love you
I crave you
I yearn for you
Where is there reason,
When love is involved?
Where is reality,
When emotions run wild?
I would ask
But there is no answer
You leave me in silence
To stand on my own
I long to crumble
Fall into pieces
Cry to the heavens
Cry out to you
Never will you be
Mine own heart
Mine own soul
Or any part
Of mine own being
So… let me go
Set me free
Open your palms
And release me
Please...
Distance
I would say I miss you
But you no longer care
You left long before your body
And left me alone with yourself
I'm always thinking of you
Everyone says you aren't worth it
Maybe they're right...
But I thought you were
I wish we could be “us” again
But do I truly miss you
Or simply the relationship we had?
I guess I'll never know
You've kept me at a distance
So far I'd never reach you
Now I suppose I've finally decided
To stop trying
I went
I woke up today, and I put on my clothes and brushed my teeth
I went to school, and they were waiting there for me
I went to the bathroom, to get away from their killing knives and daggers of deception
I went to my next class, and they tortured me while the teacher just laughed
I went to lunch today, and they made me feel unwanted and I was feeling quite brash
I went to the corner, and ate as if it were an art to eat uncomfortably alone
I went, well, I went away and continued through this rutted blur that I'm trapped in
It's the end of the day, and I finally force a smile because I get to go home
I went home, and dad left, again, mom said he's not coming back
I went to my room, I cried and closed my eyes, hopefully for good
I went to sleep, my stomach was empty and my dread was full, I hope that I don't wake up
Alone
You wonder why you're alone, even when you push people away
You ask the question of "why don't you love me", then you scream and cry "stay away!"
All you ask is that somebody holds you and never gives up on you, you've never said that, but it's not that easy
You stand alone wondering why you're alone, being isolated alone with your lonely thoughts, utterly alone
Being alone you yearn for a lone friend who was alone like you, and you want to be alone, together
Being alone with a lone friend brings feelings of love or forlorn,
You go everywhere together, promising that you'll be their best man, and that you'll never part from each other's side
You plan college and future, you plan and plan and plan together, getting more and more excited as you grow together, groaning and moaning through the struggles and allowing yourself to be seen prone with them
And you see each other all the time and you get, well, you get that feeling where you trust them, believing that they'll never hurt you, you open yourself up and develop together as people.
Attached, that was the word. When you, when you love someone you get attached to them, you give them the gun fully loaded and let them aim it at your heart because you don't want to hold on to that weighty weapon which held you down, and they said that they'd love to carry some of your burden for you
And you forget that they took that from you, and you go on getting happier and happier, learning to love again, leaping and feeling light without a lingering worry leaving you heavy since that burden left you
They call you their brother and best friend, that their life could never be this grand, you become their advisor and shoulder to cry on and for you too, and life is great, and you're happy, and you can finally smile, saying truthfully that "somebody loves me"
Then you say something, and they shoot you, and you realize that friend ends with end. You said something that you would never mean but you weren’t thinking and you curse yourself every day because you're just a freak, a monster that holds only malice with many wounds that aren't mendable, you blame yourself even though they're the one that shot you
And you can't function and you miss them and then you wish that you never met them, but it will always hurt, and it still hurts, and if I had one thing left that I had to say it's I love you, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I hurt you the way that they hurt me.
When you lose a friend
When you lose a friend, your heart aches terribly
When you lose a friend, time stops moving continuously
When you lose a friend, you have to act like strangers
When you lose a friend, eye contact becomes a danger.
I lost a friend today, and my heart is broken into pieces
I lost a friend today, and the pain is still crippling
I lost a friend today, and now I'm completely alone
I lost a friend today, and I'm lost with absolutely no direction
I lost a friend a month ago, and the pain hasn't stopped
I lost a friend a month ago, and he moved on leaving me alone
I lost a friend a month ago, and I'm crying, still not believing that it's real
I lost a friend a month ago, and I feel like I'm dying
I lost who I am, since you left
I lost who I am, and I don't want to go back
I lost who I am, because you stabbed me in the back
I'm lost, thank you