jealousy

#9- "The Garden Wall"

The thick bricks separate the gardens.

One lush and full of beauty,

The other barren, desolate, with only a speck of love.



In the one the flowers grow over eachother,

Each trying to outshine the other.

It's easy to get lost amongst that beauty.

Easy to forget the thorns.



In the other one lone flower stands out,

Framed by dry cracked earth.

It shines, there's nothing to compete against.

It's thorns are seen, yet do not matter.



The two gardeners jealously look over the wall.

Each wants the others garden.

One wishes for the simple, exquisite beauty given off by that single flower.

The other wishes for masses of flowers to fill his view.

And yet each guards jealously what is his.

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Jealous

Jealousy can leave my mind,

As my blood leaves the wound,

So why can't I just rid it all?



All the pain I feel from this,

Just leaves me in sorrow,

As I hope for internal peace.



I'm bathing in my blood,

As it drips from the fleshy faucet,

drip,Drip,DRip,DRIp,DRIP!



Because I can't treat you like you're human,

It consumes my heart inside,

So it will play the beat to our song no more.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

y do i get jealous so damn eazi?

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Copycat

8-20-04

You think you know me

And so you try

To live MY life

But it?s a lie!

So fuck you

And screw off

I won't be left here

Standing with the

Burnt end of the match

I've already got

Enough scars

To pardon the stars

In his eyes

Before he starts to think

I'm the perfect one

His perfect one

But guess what

You won't have him

Either

Hold my hand

Bitch

And we can drown

Together

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It's just the way i feel

So many things left unsaid.

As my soul slowly becomes dead.

My heart filled with such emotion slowly sinking as if filled with lead.

Feelings that go deeper than the darkest ocean.

Feeling as of I had been given a love potion.

I know not why i feel this way.

i just hope to understand it someday.

Once a friend now to me has become frayed.

Now only feeling cold and betrayed.

Back to being alone and depressed.

Wishing i could have prevented this mess.

Anger, Depression, Love and jealousy why me.

Losing someone whom i like very much.

At the same time losing a friend and losing touch.

I can only hope things will get better and i will meet someone real.

I can only begin to describe the way i feel.

Life unfolding as if from a movie reel.

All i can do now is move on.

Try and forget the past and live in a sad song.


Author's Notes/Comments: 

I really don't know why i feel this way about someone i have only known a couple of weeks but i guess there are alot of mysteries in life that can't be explained and pike if u read this sorry about the whole weekend
its really my fault because it was my ideah for us all to hang out in the first place o well have a nice life.... i know i wont.

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Postcard Theory (Paradox Blues)

The smile, the insecurity                     Dual denial

Curiosity killed the cat                        Curiosity gives it away

She sings, she cries                             Remembering guilt

Even lies behind a bent back               Truth doesn't seem a choice



The hug, the kiss                                 Dual acknowledgment

Brought on by lack of trust                  Realising jealousy

She pretends, she lies                          Remembering insecurity

There's no existence of lust                Truth cannot be swallowed



The denial, the acknowledgment           Dual paradox

Past ventures never go away                Change is not easy

She frowns, she sighs                           Remembering vulnerability

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written back in 1994, I think this piece began my love affair with self-invented poetic structures...

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Just Another Brick In The Wall

Folder: 
Poetry

If I can't have a cigarette in peace,

the least you could do

is stop talking about

how you want to fuck my boyfriend.



"Smoking isn't good for you."

(What's your point?)



I'm leaning against the brick wall

while you speak to me

as if I'm listening.



"Are you emotional?"

(Like you fucking care.)



All I can do is sigh

and hope someone catches me

out here, so I don't have to

hear your voice anymore.

Take another drag and

release.



"I used to like him..."

(So I've noticed.)



"... But I'm going out with Ziggy now."

(What the fuck kind of name is Ziggy?)



I drop my smouldering butt

to the ground

and go inside.

It's much too cold out here.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

There was a certain someone who hated me because I was going out with the boy she liked. This is just pieces of the conversation that went on between us.

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My Envy

4-22-04





Don’t you know I envy you



Too beautiful to be human



Too sincere to be a façade



And yet you don’t adore yourself?



How is that done, how can you do that!



Ever grateful, ever graceful, and always



Full of gratitude



What would I do to be



Rid of this disease, to finally be normal



It should be a sin to be Bipolar



And our so thin, girl!



Look how your clothes



Touch your shapeless ballet body



Perfect in every place never seen before



The pains I’ve already gone through



For my body, and I’m still me!



Disgusting!



How many hours have I breathed



Nothing but toilet water



And drank nothing but salt water



God what I’d do to be born



Perfect



Like you

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Deticated to a BITCH of a friend (Susannah)[I hope this dosn't sound well lesbian-like,'cause when i fist read it thats what I thought. That wasnt the intention!]

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Are They Wed?

Folder: 
Sonnets

Within the breathing walls of Lovers' Creed

Exists an entity best forgotten

Because, in thought and often still in deed

It is the worst of the misbegotten.

Yet trying to ignore it, though intent,

Won't give satisfaction to the lover

For it becomes evermore insistent

On coming to the fore. There's no cover!

For where there's love there also may be hate

As deep emotions parallel, it's said.

What can one do if this is then innate?

Is one to the other thus truly wed?

Oh, get thee hence, cruel god of jealousy!

You'll not damage this love - that's heresy!

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Lord of the Flies

Lord of the Flies

The sinister thoughts

Swirling around

The hollow mass



Beelzebub

Let loose your fury

The raw hate

You have for me



Unleash the fiery hell

With your demonic eyes

Don�t hold back

Your true feelings



Say it to my face,

The evil,

The corruptness

The truth



Forget your possessiveness

Stop living a lie

Don't envy me

Don't hate me.



Get over your jealousy

Don't dwell in the past

Ignore the raw passion

That burns you up.



Forget the fire

Blazing inside you

Put it out

Leave it behind



Forgive and forget

Or just go

It's not my fault

Don't blame me

For your own mistakes.

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