fighting

No Regrets

Folder: 
Prose

 

Sitting here in the study, blank, emotionless. Thoughts crowd my mind, pushing, shoving, stifling the room, filling it to the brim with flashes of memory, like clips from a film come to life, played all at once, competing for dominance, struggling to survive as I try to drown them in noise of my own, humming half-forgotten tunes and whispering words of comfort into the cold air of the room as I become a child again, crying as my father swings a fist at my brother, praises me in public while privately telling me I will never amount to anything. Then a teenager, withdrawn, quiet, limbs long and far too thin, skin pale, almost translucent, hesitantly smiling at people I pass, recieving judgement in return, cold, hooded stares that cause the whimpering, pleading child within to quail. On the outside the smile still shows. Despair and depression co-mingle with anger as I come of age. My attempt to end it, cut short by the realization that one other relies on me, my sister. Suicidal tendencies snap and wither in seconds, replaced by all-consuming fire, a roaring forge lit from deep within. 

 

Taking a stand. Shouting. Screaming. Showing the train track marks on my arms, my legs. Vindictive pleasure as dawning horror and shame ripple across his face, ripping him apart as easily as my mind has been continually, constantly shattered for years, my whole life. Sharpening anger as he tries to apologize, make up for it, but the damage is already done, can never truly be healed. Sister's safety secure, moving out, one thousand miles away. Leaving everything and everyone I'd known and loved behind. 

 

Tearful parting with my sister, promising to keep in touch, to get better. To heal. She alone knowing the depth of the cracks and breaks, knowing the strength of the vortex so capable of pulling me under into madness, knowing how delicately balanced I have become. 

 

Deep, even breaths now, the air seems lighter. Grip easing on the pillow clutched in my hand, I close my eyes and smile.

 

I would do it all again, in order to be who I am now.

 

No regrets.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My prose is not pleasant.

I write from reality,

Attempting to describe

To communicate,

To keep others from breaking

As I have been broken. 

 

There is always a choice

Sometimes it's hard to see

And even harder to understand.

Just keep reaching out your hand

And we will grab you, pull you up.

Supernatural Show Dream: July 27, 2013

WARNING! THIS DREAM IS VERY DISTURBING... READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
 
Okay here is the dream. First off there is this show called: "Supernatural" over here. It is a show about two guys who fight off demons and try to stop the Apocalypse . At least that's what I have gotten from it... I don't really watch it and I have only seen a few episodes... Anyways here goes the dream: 
 
This dream was about the guys from the tv series, "Supernatural". I don't know their names though so I will just say "guys" or guy" or whatever...
 
 It all started when I walked into this warehouse-like room and saw the guys from supernatural. One was all evil looking and the other one was normal and the normal one suddenly ran up to me and picked me up and ran out the door.
 
 But as he was running with me, before we could get out of the door, I looked over and saw the other guy twitching and his eyes were rolling into the back of his head and they were turning black.
 
 I was freaked out. I remember thinking, "Oh my god, this is it, I am going to die!!!"  It was so intense. When he put me down I realized that I was bleeding..down there... I thought that I had started my period and got really embarrassed and apologized to the guy. 
 
Then, the guy said. "No, you are giving birth to Lilith " I freaked out again.
 
 All of a sudden there was blood everywhere coming from me. I know, gross right? Then through out the whole dream I was fighting off demons with the guy and one of the demons wanted to father my baby.
 
 And the whole time we were fighting off demons I was still giving birth.... I was just walking and running around in labor and bleeding everywhere... 
 
We ended up banishing the demon that wanted to be the father of my baby, too... Among other creepy demons... or what ever.
 
 And also, the whole dream I was still giving birth. Let's just say it was very bloody and gross...
 
 I woke up before I even had the baby, or "Lilith" or whatever!!
 
 It was fucking crazy and intense!! I didn't even tell you the whole dream. There was just too much going on in it to tell it all. I woke up feeling so wierded out, lol. Then I went back to sleep and had another dream that I barely remember... And that's it... Crazy, right???
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thrown under the bus

nowadays all she does is whine about her bodily pains,

but when you were left alone, 

she stayed drunk, prowling the bars

days on end, 

oblivious to the emotional wreckage left

on your chest, like a hot iron

melted through the tender heart of a 10 year old,

the open wound to the 

skin, 

cauterized shut

too soon,

without even leaving any open flesh

for the pain to be released,

seared closed with the shame, pain, and false pride of generations,

sealed in for years like a safety box of magnets,

pulling you towards anything and everything self-destructive

in a desperate search for some morsel of hope,

that the next christmas dinner might be more than 

knocking on the doors of neighbors, being lucky enough to be

asked in to share a holiday meal, 

and an attempt to be noticed for something other than the burden

you were to her deep and fervent longing for 

the escape, into smoke filled rooms,

that reeked with the heavy, putrid smell of week-old frying grease,

cigarettes, and hairspray, that became one of your main

reasons for going to live with your dad--

other than the day she up and left for california,

a 50 dollar bill to substitute her mac and cheese, dribbled with 

one and a half inches of ashes off a pall mall,

only to be less than reluctantly welcomed by him,

and a stepbrother who most always was 

notably more worthy of better dirtbikes, nicer clothes 

and a much more frequent pat on the back 

for a job well done, 

that most often wasn't.

 

a dollar for him and quarter for you, along with the bottom bunk,

that smelled like pee from all the years he wet the bed,

only ever good enough for sloppy seconds--

and then there was brownie,

poor broken down swayback, with skin infections,

baldspots and degenertive bone disease,

in light of your brother's black stallion stud,

as if the 6 inch scar on the back of your leg wasn't enough 

from your father's drunken rage with a 4 inch hunting knife,

and the glass from the window that left it's souvenir the night he threw you

across the room, all before the age of 14.

 

shit.

i may have shot that horse between the eyes too.

 

 

 

 

11:37 PM 6/26/2013

©

 

 

.........

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Just a poem about a kid.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=

 

.....

The Soldier

Wounded

Scarred

Life behind bars

Just for what he stands for

Because he loves his country

And fought for her safety

Just to come back

For them to hate

He risked his life for them

But do they care?

No, they call him a reprobate

Murderer

A weapon

Nothing more than an item

 

He tries to walk away

On what’s left of his legs

Sacrificed for his murderers

Given for them

There goes my hero

Watch him as he falls

See the tears roll from his eyes

As he keeps living

As he keeps fighting

For what is right

As he keeps hoping

That death comes swiftly

A man who fought for his country

To find he wasn’t part of it.

Mushin

Mushin

Don’t forget for you were enlightened
When nerves tempt over the serpent doth grin
Thy thoughts a tempest – The snake a storm
Clouds shall enthrall, safeguard your core
The venom it taints your mind the fruit
That monotonous song so stoically shall leer
Your thoughts constrain, Satan 'tis ever near
The sea ahead too deep, destruction creeps rear

Hark! You were trained - so have not fear
Breath deep - be lax, the sea hath split
Fit but formless - flowing - adapting like water
Your foe he chants, strike as a metronome
You’ll relish in victory, a David amongst Goliaths
So forget all dear partisan, for you are enlightened

Author's Notes/Comments: 

First poem, please critique. Intend on making more martial arts poems for a journal.

Innocence and Instinct

Folder: 
Light and Dark

Faceless fear
Brilliant Courage
My angel my innocence
My demon my instinct
The devil in my head
The angel in my heart
What is my face
Harder to find
Always fighting
Never resting
One would set me free
The other takes control of me
I want the angel
While I court the devil
Who will win my heart
Undecided
But until we have faces
We will always wear a mask

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Scared

Folder: 
My Love

I love you...
And I don't know what to say to you
I'm scared
I don't know what you think of me
I'm afraid of putting myself out there
To be rejected again
I may be Superman on the outside
But inside?
I'm afraid of letting you down
Of not being there for you
Of not being enough for you
Of leaving you to fight your own battles
I know you're capable
But I love fighting them with you
Of supporting you
Of loving you
And I don't know...
Maybe I feel inadequate
Like you're worth so much more than I am
I think you are
I've messed up so many times before
I don't know how to act around you
But until you tell me
I'll continue to be brave
I won't be afraid of fighting for you
I think you're worth it
I'll step out
Take a leap of faith
Because I don't want to lose you
To lose my greatest treasure and my best friend
To the unknown.
I hope you know this already
But if not here it is:
Honestly and truly,
I Love You.

What I'm Gonna Miss

Folder: 
Songs

You know darlin’ I have to go
But I’ll be back for you, you know
I had a call, and gave an answer
The wait is eating me like cancer
I hate to leave you, but I must go
So right now I’m gonna show
Just how much you mean to me
When I leave, It’s gonna be:

What I’m gonna miss
Is the love in your kiss
The sunshine in your hair
The feeling when you’re there
The moonlight in your eyes
The teasing little white lies
You know I hate to leave like this
But that’s what I’m gonna miss

It’s time to go, I’m leaving now
And I just don’t know how
I’m gonna live without you
Can’t stop thinking about you
But you know, when I return
This job, well, It can burn
I’ll hold you in my arms
Abandon all life’s charms

Cause what I’m gonna miss
Is the love in your kiss
The sunshine in your hair
The feeling when you’re there
The moonlight in your eyes
The teasing little white lies
You know I hate to leave like this
But that’s what I’m gonna miss

Baby here I am right now
And you just won’t believe how
Thinking about you has kept me alive
Sittin’ on the frontlines, about to dive
Enemies surrounding me on every line
And I’m just waiting, biding my time
Wishing I were home, just kissing you
But instead I’m fighting here missing you

What I really miss
Is the love in your kiss
The sunshine in your hair
The feeling when you’re there
The moonlight in your eyes
The teasing little white lies
You know I hate to be here like this
But that’s what I miss

My last day, can’t wait to find
The girl of my dreams, always on my mind
Fought a war, and saved her from it
Hardest part was to overcome it
Driving down the driveway
You come running my way
Finally hold you, kiss you now
Looking back I don’t know how

All the things that I missed
The love in your kiss
The sunshine in your hair
The feeling when you’re there
The moonlight in your eyes
The teasing little white lies
You know I love to see you like this
Now there’s nothing more that I'm gonna miss

Author's Notes/Comments: 

One of my attempts at a country song.... comment, rate, and enjoy

Survivors

Close your eyes
Can’t let them see
The fear that lies within
The pain that immobilizes
The anger at your loss
You’re theirs now
And you can’t give them the satisfaction
You won’t

Fight back
Don’t let them rule without a battle
Don’t allow them to take away what matters most
You’re a soldier
You’re a fighter
You are a force to be reckoned with
So show it
Be it
Do it

Steele yourself
It’ll be a long road yet
But you’ll make it
You’ll survive
We will be survivors

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