DESPAIR

Quiet

I tried to scribble my confessions on a piece of loose leaf

Last night

But I couldn't help to feel its insignificance

It's muted nature

My soul barking into a muzzle

Like a dog in a kennel

About to be put down

Shocking how quiet our lives

Can be

Churning with silent force like a windmill

But no one ever sees the electricity in our struggle

I thought about calling you but that felt

Just the same

I put the book down and excused myself

For another cigarette

I saw flashes of darker days

Hollow gazing into that thunderous bay

All of their compliments became lies once again

Her playful glances become intrusive advances

Im paralyzed in a dream

Locked in insanity

Spinning

It was just another day of uniform responses and carefully carved out conversations,

But a peculiar girl and her rebellious remarks must have broken something rather important,

It was one conversation and now all the lights are out,

there's water rushing into the hotel,

there's chaos at every corner,

This morning I looked in her eyes and swore I saw the sky,

Now the sky is all around me,

smothering me in its atmosphere,

As the universe crashes into space,

I collide with lost comets,

And enter the worm hole

of

oblivion

inside my head

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Parade of Despair

Through the wet and rainy streets,
Cloaked in the liar's contacts. and bloody sheets
You know not of where you go,
But the blood you walk over and sew.

In this time, you believe you are okay,
Okay with murder that goes throughout the day
Through the homeless cries and terror
It's not your life or your own error

What's another's heart to hold in your hand mean?
If it doesn't give you the satisfaction and the attention of a queen?
Maybe somewhere, within your sickest dreams
Perhaps piercing the thickness, you can hear humanity screams
and in some part of your mind you care,
Or fail again, laughing maniacally as the blood drips in cold despair

Somehow, their commotion to you is entertaining
The bickering and troubles all the more sustaining
and yet somewhere, deep down, you realize it's not right.
But the sickness blinds you again, back again in the fright

Morality is like your brother, inside your mind, telling you it's wrong
But your voice cries out more louder, constantly crying, "But do I belong?"
and the shadow creeps in control of your hands and strikes again,
Like an old friend you've parted with that was poison, comes back attempting to explain

They say you are fine and you will be okay.
Like you say, except you are actually mentally astray
As the hand of sickness inside your mind plans out the next move
In reality you are empty, she says you have nothing to prove

The disgusting woman that is called society
Bringing forth what you tell others is anxiety
She holds you tight, like a incoherent mother
Whispering to you as she smothers you "There is no other"

Somehow throughout all that you have, depression calls,
Your father, comes to tell you "Despite the beautiful colors, you live within empty walls"
You cry for them to stop speaking
But they stop for none, they continue their horrid shrieking

As you fall to the ground, you try to escape by sleeping,
But it's only for a few hours, and time is weeping
You try to deny the things that you have mean and done
You salute to the cracked, and broken blurred skies of failure, and with it a black sun
Forever bringing a slanted shadow, that was once you, pleading "Bring me back, this wasn't really fun"

You yearn for something deep down, but without purpose for some reason
and your faces change again and again, like the months and the season
You know not anymore of what the world means to you
Forever alone you will be, cursed, trapped in your built igloo.

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The Fool

What do I do when 

Everything is not enough?

 

What do I do when 

I give all, and it is rejected?

 

What do I do when the love

That was meant for us two to share

Is cheapened by another?

 

Love is not cast away,

And suffering is sure to stay

And so alone I cry and moan 

And tell the world 'leave me alone!'

And accept what I never can condone.

 

And I wait for when 

She wants love, not lust,

And comes back to me.

 

I wait for when everything is enough.

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She Told Me

She told me that she didn't know

anymore what I thought we knew. 

She told me she was thinking still

of where to go and what to do.

 

She told me that she loved me still

yet she thought it best she go.

She told me that she always would

but in her eyes it didn't show. 

 

She left, and there I stood alone

as she swore I'd never be.

She left, and there I stood alone,

lost at home with her memory. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is based on a conversation had on Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend of this year. It is raw and painful and I don't know what to do.

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"To a Certain Someone"

I think you're afraid

Of mostly heartbreak 

To be alone, maybe you fear

But I know you NEED someone near

 

Either you can't admit it to yourself 

Or everyone that's tried has changed the way you felt 

I'm not most guys, but I'm not perfect 

I'm less of the same, I'm different 

 

It's up to you to see that and make the effort 

Of trying to keep me, or let me go right now

I hate wasting my time

The anxiety fucks with my mind

 

I don't expect you to be in love with me

But I would think that all this time you'd have seen

That either you wanna waste with this

Or I'm just an obstacle in your way shit! 

 

I don't why I'm writing this when we don't even know each other 

But I feel the need to clarify, am I a good thing or am I a bother?

Think this through and let me know 

Or call me right now and just say "you can go"

 

I won't blame you, since you told me everything upfront

But I can't help but get irritated, I guess I just I give a fuck

But it would be easier now that we either never meet

Or you say something meaningful and say you like me....

 

I'm sorry for putting these stupid thoughts in your head

They're also dumb in mine, empty hollow pointless threads 

Sorry you met me, sorry I'm like this

I should've told you from the start, I get attached too quick 

 

I'm not in love, no way in hell

But I did see something here, but I guess I'm by myself 

Let me know if this scared you, tell me the truth

One thing I gotta say before I leave, I never once lied to you...

I Look For Company in the Cracks

and he will leave me alone tonight

Again within my darkness, my question and fright

and again, again my emotions are denied

And again I pretend to be okay, when a heart is fried

 

I'd like to know just one thing

Will there ever be an answer to bring?

Night by night, without a knock on my door

Tears so frozen, still thoughts bringing me so sore

 

I embrace my shadows and what I have been ripped from

I try to look up to the sky, and yet there's still no sight of a visible sun

Your lies cloud the beauty from what I could see

Your lies take away from what I thought could be

 

and it's all so obvious, yet my boredom chooses to hold me up so

To the still of chained emotions, trying to grasp the shadows made of woe

and again, I still do not  know why

When my only entertainment is looking forward to another lie..

 

With your words draped in sweet clever disguises

Lead me only to questions and silent demises

You again speak of love so freely

But I can tell by your eyes you don't hold it dearly

 

and I'll wait intently again for more words to keep me company

So I can cling to something, someone, but instead I look forward to agony

It's something I don't quite understand

but it's the closest I have to someone else's hand

 

and he will leave me alone for another night

Still without another explanation, I cling to an empty sight

 

 

 

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Enter My Fear

All of the welcoming emotion suddenly dies.
and the darkness shrouds the land in only misery's cries.

 

Enter grief!
A timeless ocean. 
Trapped of despair, trapped without relief
Enter the moon!
Endless racing of the thoughts.
Including you alone, trapped dead inside an empty room

The dead is holding you stiff once more!
Staring into your eyes, never have you felt so gone before

The time comes again, to pit against all that is you
Will you ever find the part of you that is actually true?

Paint the sky bleak
Consider everything we cannot speak

The one painting with the sun I painted as a child is lost.
Reality has broken the barrier, this is the ultimate cost



 

Permanent death

He fed off fear in the weak;

He showed no sympathy for the meek.

There was an empty space in his soul

And only blood could make him whole.

He would suck life from the living just because he was bored

Nothing could stop him not even the Lord.

The victim would always scream in horror and despair

Every loved one at the time was unaware.

Trembling and shaking their eyes filled with tears

She had no emotion other than her fears.

Then it happened, murder can’t be undone

He did what he always did he had to pack up and run.

The scene was always brutal, cruel, and deadly

He unstained the walls of blood while humming a medley.

This was his life and never failed to cover his tracks

But it wasn’t long until he stroke again with his axe.

 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem I had to right for my English class that had to create a "macabre tone" 

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