Shadows of the past

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Exes

So many goodbyes,
so many tears, so much pain.

Watching their backs,
as they walked away.

Trying to drown it all,
in tears, in drugs, in blood.

All I have are the memories,
the fragments from when I was happy.

My first love, forbidden,
a passion so strong, denied.

The first tears I ever cried for love,
I cried in his arms.

My second love, first serious love,
the one I thought was true.

We were forever, him and I,
or so I thought.

For him my heart was whole,
my love strong and pure.

But I was too afraid,
afraid to love him,
afraid I'd hurt him too.

Couldn't bear to break his heart,
to see the pain in his eyes.

No other could ever compare,
could match the depth of love in his eyes,
could ever mean as much to me.

I let him go,
hoping he could find happiness,
praying he'd forgive me.

All I have is a photograph,
a frayed memory of his love.

But I remember him,
every kiss, every laugh,
every look in his eyes,
every contour of his face.

I loved him so blindly,
I lost all reason.

Why would he love me?
I'll never know,
the answers, the emotions,
once there now buried deep.

The kinship, the understanding of another,
deeper than love, stronger than simple friendship,
ties severed from drugs and long-distance.

I still remember him with a smile,
a wistful tear, my friend, my Sugar.

The brief love, the friend who saved me,
he gave me a home, a family who cared.

When I had nowhere else to run,
he was there, waiting for me to return.

She came into our lives,
and his eyes changed.

Angry and hurt, I let him go,
my heart breaking all over again.

How could I not see it?
They belong together.

She makes him happy,
more than I ever could.

I used to hate her,
now I don't,
couldn't imagine life without her.

She gave his life meaning,
brought out the love in his heart,
kept deep inside, protected from hurt.

She saw his darkness,
saw his tears, kissed the scars.

I love them both,
wish them all the happiness in the world,
forever and always, they'll be together.

I fell again, unexpected, unplanned,
all I wanted was for someone to give a damn.

I was happy, throughout the struggles,
the pregnancy and his love kept me going.

I never doubted our love,
his commitment to our happiness.

He made me feel free,
that I was able to trust again.

He made me feel beautiful, loved,
I could never explain what he means to me.

Too many fights, too many tears,
the love started to falter.

We endured so many tests,
but we failed, I falied.

I stopped loving,
my heart turned cold.

Forgive me, I never wanted this,
never wanted to see your tears,
watch you run from me in pain.

I swore never again,
no one would chip my ice heart.

Foolishly, I let love in again,
let another past my defenses.

I fought him, pushed him away,
but it was too late.

Four times we tried,
four times we failed.

Now I look back upon him with bitterness,
love has been replaced with cold hate.

One more tried to penetrate my walls,
fell for me in silence.

But it was too late,
I was incapable of love.

A friend dead, another on her way,
I'm too numb to feel, to grieve.

Is life really that cruel?
Is it only loss?
Pain, anger and fear?

My memories are my prison,
cannot escape the shadows of my past.

I don't want to love again,
if all love ends in loss.

I've had more loss, more pain,
than I ever want to feel again.

So maybe I'll stay here,
the shadows have become familiar,
the darkness welcomes me into my new home.

Why run from what you are,
when you realize there's nowhere left to run?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Everyone I ever loved or let close to me has hurt me at one time or another or I hurt them. Eventually, you get tired of hurting and just let yourself feel empty, enjoy the loneliness. After all, sadness is sometimes the only friend we have left, when all the rest have gone.

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Bryan Adam Tomimbang's picture

This poem is intriguing I have to admit becuz' I can relate. I faced too many unhappy times. But, I believe that even with no place to go inside or out, you shouldn't be so impulsive to make darkness a home to live in. That sadness is the only friend that can comfort you. I know I have no right to say this to you but every truth in this world has two sides; it is well to look very very carefully at both ways before you commit yourself to either. And it looks to me you didn't look carefully enough. You forgot "one single thing" that has always stayed with humans since we are born. It's called hope. You see, sometimes you must suffer the dark, hailing rain before you can see the bright rainbow at the end. The journey may take a while. Sometimes it comes sooner. Sometimes late. Who knows. Yet once you see it, all the pain you felt, all the hurt that you've experienced, it won't matter anymore becuz' you struggled to the end. One must always struggle to see it at the end. It's when we give up that makes it all worthless. If you decide to let darkness take you, that's your final decision alone. You decide where to go. I'm really sorry if I butt in. You don't have to buy what I said. I just wanna share my thoughts. That's all...