Chapter 5 - Spring 2015

It has been a good year since I have written in this and I know I have written and rewritten the events of the last year of my life before but I’m hoping to keep this copy. I usually write this while I am procrastinating. It is 12:47 AM. and I am weeks behind on homework. My sexual life and self acceptance have come a long way in the past 12+ months since I last wrote down my queer anecdotes of my life. I believe I am completely out at school, a new school with a new crowd of people, whom I didn’t grow up with. My sexuality is less of an ambiguity and more of a subjectivity. Before moving to the new school I came out to my close theatre friends and a wider group of people through various theatre groups and was involved in a queer musical/pop-opera Bare, in which I believed at the time I would have been comfortable in a gay role where as a year before, auditioning for Spring Awakening, I had specified I would not be comfortable taking the gay roles. I am still not out to the closest people to me at least verbally, however it has always been accepted, at least in the last few years I would live an ‘alternative’ lifestyle and am quite aware of my mother’s choices in parenting books involving dealing and accepting gay children….


To start I would like to revert to my sophomore year in which I casually came out to my closest friend with in passing by affirming the question of another’s statement; you’re gay. She was amazed by my frankness and it was more of a pressure release then before and things went back to normal. When I auditioned for the gay musical I was auditioning for the lead gay character and seeing a rousing song by William Finn, Republicans, about fucking a republican man. That summer being involved with the show and being able to freely express my sexuality was strengthening and eye opening; people don’t give a shit about you. Be who you want to be because at the end of the day everyone is only concerned with themselves. I think of all of the scandalous things that happen in my community; pregnancies, arrests, crazy rumors. No one cares and people forget. It was also the summer I got drunk at a party for the first and only time and was confronted with the consequences when I got home. Short Story, no food, too much, vomit all over directors driveway, angry shower.

Transitioning to my new school I made it a priority to be open and out. First day a mentally disabled girl asks me if I am lost, if I have a girlfriend. No I’m gay. Preceded by; Do you have a boyfriend, Aw, you can’t get married here, Can I be your Maid of Honor. Her harrassment has followed me all year and carried on to calling my house in which my dad answered the phone and she had a 20 minute conversation with him. Considering the only thing we’ve ever talked about is my sexuality and her desire for me to take peer tutoring for her, I’m assuming both topics of conversation came up but I guess I’ll never know. She sat with me at lunch on one of my first days of school and informed everyone we met that I was gay. One girl retorted that she was gay too. My first friend.


Aside from the theatre my two true escapes from the day were CA and Math. CA because I knew theatre people in the class and could sit with them, and Math because it was the first class and I guess only class I had another gay student in, aside from lesbians. He’s a dancer and is very forward about his sexuality and horniness as proof by many vulgar pics and texts between a group chat. I am going to get out of order a little but about a week before Spring Break he asked me if I was a virgin and I was thrown back. Until then, I had really felt my sexuality to have been very…. independent, for lack of a better word. I hadn’t gotten to a place where I felt like I could go out and seek a sexual relationship. I somewhat hushedly said yes, looking back between being a virgin and being a sexually-active faggot I’d assume most of the students in my class would rather it be virgin. That week I decided to download Tinder though.


I had had Tinder for maybe two days and was getting ready to meet up with someone who’s profile was cute and funny; a shocked face with a clown nose. I was also chatting with another guy I met on Tinder who was way hotter than the first guy and way more direct. I had flirted with the first guy and he seemed competent to hold the flirtation going where I lacked. I knew I was going to lose my virginity that night to either one of these guys. The first guy however had stated later when I was on my way over that nothing sexual would happen. It was the night right before I was headed out of town for a week and agreed that I was fine with not hooking up that night.


When I got to his apartment, I waited at his door and when he came out he was wearing a no h8 tank top that he really shouldn’t have been wearing. We went to a redbox across the street and talked about what movies we like and it was clear that he liked horror movies and so he told me about horror movies and we ended up getting Purge: Anarchy. It was already 11ish and I wasn’t sure how much I liked him, he talked a lot and seemed kind of stupid, I felt like we were on different wavelengths. We got back to his apartment and put in the movie and about 30 to 40 minutes in of just sitting there he suggested that we cuddle, because that is what we were flirting about on Tinder. So we cuddled and watched the movie and he kept readjusting himself and our legs were intertwined and I definitely ruined the mood by pulling a muscle in my fat thigh. We would readjust and I kind of initiated the sex. We were joking about his sexts and he said “you can find somewhere else to put that hand,” and so I put his hand on my jean covered crotch and I put my hand on his sweatpants covered crotch and i began rubbing at it while we continued to discuss the movie. I thought I was rubbing his flaccid dick, I was actually rubbing his balls, I would later learn when I put my hand down his pants that he had been fully erect and humping me since we began cuddling. He asked if I wanted to finish the movie and I didn’t so we turned on porn and I started sucking him off. I didn’t like it that much and it was clear he hadn’t showered for me… Then he dragged me up and stuffed his tongue into my mouth, sloppily kissing my mouth. I don’t think I like casual kissing with casual sex. Kissing felt too intimate for such a moment. After I had been sucking him off he asked to fuck me. I asked where the condoms were and proceeded to stick a condom on him with my mouth. He wanted to fuck me with me squatted over him and him on his back; that idea was not going to work, so he fucked me doggy style, which was okay but he kept pulling out which I knew was probably not the best idea. After he got done fucking me he wanted me to suck him off… my shit pervaded the air and it was extremely uncomfortable to know he could smell my shit and I was sucking a cock that was just inside me. He took forever to cum and wanted to cum in my mouth, I decided I didn’t want that and declined opting for a load on his chest. He asked if I wanted to be finished off. I was really done with the situation and wanted to get out of their so I declined again. He really did nothing the entire time to stimulate me other than rubbing my asshole through my underwear while I was ontop of him blowing him. After word he said something along the lines as “You made an oopsie or accident or something and to not worry about it. I went to the bathroom to clean up. I gathered my things and we left it with him saying that he didn’t think this would happen and that I was irresistible, and that he wanted to take me on a real date and wanted to see where this relationship would go. I knew then however there were two main reasons aside from his personality that that wouldn’t happen. One he knew friends of mine and I lied about my age to him. Two he had told me that he wasn’t in it to hook up and that nothing sexual would happen. Since then he’s texted me 3 times and I haven’t responded.


I felt good about the sex though because I felt in control of the situation and the relationship and felt mature enough to understand that it was just a one night stand. If we had not had sex that night I could maybe see going out with him and developing a relationship, but he seemed very sure that he didn’t want to have sex that night and went back on his word.


At school I got to tell my gay friend that I wasn’t a virgin anymore and the horrors of that night. He continued to ask me after that if I had texted the guy and I told him it was just a one night thing. I didn’t plan on following through with him.


I don’t know if what I did with him I would consider sex. I feel like mutual masterbation would be more suitible. I didn’t come and we used each others bodies for selfish reasons.


Coming to a new school and reinventing myself, not really but being able to not give a fuck what others think of you is very empowering. I feel like I can be a gay figure in my school and maybe have become or maybe and a reference to someone so they know they know gay people at their school. There’s this kid I usually think of because I can see myself in them except I feel like they are way more in the closet than I was in High School, partly I feel because of their parents who seem to be conservative hard asses. He has a girlfriend but it is painfully clear that he is gay and twice I’ve seen him have to deny his sexuality or defend his heterosexuality. The first time was during the musical and someone made a joke or insult of him being gay and he got very defensive. The second time was on a school trip and someone blatantly asked him if he was and he said he had a girlfriend and that he appreciated the gay people though or maybe the male image… something like that. I know of three or four out gay boys and a few lesbians and I see the closet cases everywhere, I don’t know how I did it so long and try to not do anything that would make them uncomfortable as I know other people have done to them and I know to me.


I have come far enough out of the closet that I don’t have to address my sexuality. The same girl who asked the boy if he was gay didn’t ask me if I was gay. In the same way I feel like I’ve gone far enough into my sexuality that I don’t have to come out to my parents.

 

I look back at my freshmen and sophomore year and the gay role models I had in my schools and the kids who showed me how to be confident and happy. I want to be that for other people. I felt it was important to come out early and show there is a point.

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