Chapter 4 - Fall 2013


It's 2:17. Tom is thinking of asking his mom to take him to the doctor to get zoloft. He took a test online and it said he was severely depressed. Tom couldn't remember a time when his life was played out in his head like a fucking soap opera. In the 3rd grade Tom went to therapy after telling his mom he wanted to kill himself. Tom thinks it's time to go find a therapist. No. He just wants zoloft. He feels like the only thing that's keeping him from eating a bottle of Xanax is the shows he's in. He can't die and leave the people in the cast like that. It wouldn't be fair to the directors or cast.


His shows are keeping him alive. This book has become a diary...


Tom did ask his mom if he could get zoloft. He wanted to ask about Xanax but he would wait till he was at the doctors. There are many elements in Tom's life we have not talked about. A girl was living with Tom. Her name is Kristen. She had been living with them for the past 5 or 6 months... When's Easter? Anyway it's October, and kris tens dad was diagnosed since then. Last week they found out a tumor burst and he had a week to live. The anxiety burst. Dull blackness. Aching for the 90's nickelodeon cartoons and the parents the childhood dismisses. Old, webbed, dead air of a lifeless 19 year old orphan.


To have someone in Tom's personal life that was suffering through the biggest traumas of their life made Tom mad at himself for being so depressed about the stage he was in of coming out. He felt awful for feeling sad for himself when someone so close was losing everything. Life was gone. Tarnished yarn snapped and his spine collapsed on top of itself. The problems of the world our all our own vices. The smut of the news and the political views. Fucked up shit. The nervous system was cut and Tom was numb to the world. He felt trapped.


Tom's going to bed... He will mutely explain why he is not going to school to his mom tomorrow in the morning. Mute. Tom liked that word. What a word to explain Toms numbness. Mute. He could feel his mind and body working against him to truly feel nothing. Tom is happy but anxious that he doesnt have a bottle of pills at his disposal right now.


Tom didn't go to school the next day. He slept till 10 or 11 and then avoided the question. Why are you depressed? Is there something you're not telling me? I love you.


Later that night Tom looked through his keep sake box. He had old ticket stubs and birthday cards, thank you cards, dead flowers, back stage crew passes, and a plastic diamond.


He started American horror story season 2 and watched almost 5 episodes before his mom realized he hadn't gone to bed.


When he went up he saw a text from his school news wanting a sob story from him for his community service group he volunteers for. Bull shit. Tom's not going to create a sob story for those douchey prepster juniors wanted to look sympathetic and like they care. Tom gave them the story idea and now they want him to out himself a victim to his bullies. At the same time for the same reason he should not have to put himself through baring his feelings to immature beevis' and butt heads.


The text read: hey so h2 is doing a story on brave and we are looking for someone to interview who maybe had a personal connection to bullying, and willing to talk about it do you know anyone.


Tom took another depression test today. This one said moderate severe depression and extreme likeliness of bipolar disorder. Toms head itched. His fingers ached and grinded the bone into the cartilage with twitching. He'd had four monster today but felt drained.


Tom did not get the part he wanted and infect got a part in which most would consider less then the chorus, a walk on part, a supernumerary.


Tom would ice a smile on his face and live in the war paint. Fuck honesty. This will make an amazing book. The diary of anne frank. Hypobeastial, inferno. The clock stopped at 76. 16 years to long. The world should have ended in 1997 because humanity was lost the minute man stood up straight. Scriptual therapy. That's all this is. Scriptual therapy for the godless. Dead in a world of verse and grace and hymn. Art is dead. The brain killed it. The brain is mush, mush. Whipped sweet potato. Toms fingers felt like physcos. Fuck convention.fuck the 21st century. And fuck Ann coulter.


Every wooden creak. Every crack, footstep, sent Tom's chest pounding, his head drilling, face flushing. Tom needed to go to bed.


Tom can't remember most of his day back at school. Lots of missed work. Shit me a river. He got home and watched the rest of season 2 of AHS and started season 3. Then he did his music theory homework. Did we learn the inverses of IVM7...fuck it.


At school he had to talk to his gifted of self consciousness. His gifted teacher was new and hippieesque. He needed toms paper evaluation for his IEP, something Tom had avoided all weekend. He had to write some bullshit sentence about the improvement he made on his opera. Did I mention that. Toms writing a fucking opera. His teacher was impressed and new so he still had the caffeine spirit of a new teacher. The hope and ambition. Something Tom was losing very fast. Self confidence was lost and past Tom in his adolescence. He saw peers excel him and he felt stuck and dumb.


Art is dead.


The walls creak... Ice slides down toms bloated stomach. His shoulders arch on the bed and he neck petrudes backwards faux orgasm. He cringes. Time passes. No ones at the door. His head itches againg, his fingers. Tom can hear the life of his parents, his dreaded future 20 feet away. Tom would give anything not to end up like his parents, like any teenager.


A few weeks ago Toms college sister, Faith, was driving tom. Tom found out they had been sharing a pandora station. She asked him about two stations he had : gay porn and gay pride. Tom froze and crunch squirted a simple deflation. They're comedy stations, Shelby put them on there. They were in the car for 3 more hours... Little was said.



Should Tom come out to his sister, a thousand mile away... Time to go to bed. Think happy thoughts, goodnight journal.

Today was a day of hard progress. Tom came out to a stranger, a therapist. For the past 7 years toms parents thought he was add or depressed but the truth is he had been hiding a secret for years.


Later on that night Tom came out anonymously to the popular lesbian at his school on He now just realized that it was or will be soon obvious who he was. He just did an interview for Husky Headlines about and quoted the lesbian. Tom made bigger strides out the closet then he realized. Really he lured himself to a lesbian that was it. No one else would put the pieces together. And it would be nice to have a strong gay friend and mentor.


Over all an important day in the long run, but a shitty storm today. It was time to call it a night. Not much written today but so much progress. Tom still itched. Was he ready. The therapist called me a chicken.


The day after Tom got a ride home from zach. Zach was driving other people back. Zach stopped the radio and plugged in his station, and put on same love proclaiming to the car. This is dedicated to Tom for his his.. Tom was grace facing him and smiling not sure if this was a joke or how they found out. His playing for the other team.


Today Tom is still confused and hasn't talked to zach since and feels weird, happy and sad.this is the week he will come out. It couldn't be a coincidence and everyone who's acknowledged it has been very supportive... Yes. He will be brave. Love love same love.


Well he didn't... Come out. But he really did feel good about this week. Maybe not. Tom will again nonchalantly bring it up in the middle of a conversation at school and just say he's been out since the summer. He had been...sort of. The news would spread via probably having Tom confirm his sexuality. Yes I am. Old news I've been out for a while.... He will likely become better friends with the GSA cult of hipsters and the groups they seep into. He hoped it wouldn't cause a huge corruption. This is just holding toms life back. His grades, his parts, his license, his communication and expression.


What about Zach. Tom felt like everyone already knew. I mean Tom made mean girls references every day. And he was very gay, faggoty. Tom hated that word. And nigga. Tom liked words that were provocative like fuck. Cunt, faggot, and nigga were all words that torn down whole groups of people. Women, gays, and blacks. Tom felt like his closet was a zoo exhibit. Glassed off from the world of heteros. They call him a closet case. They call him a queer, they stare, they see, they know.


It's 11:16 on October the 28. Last night Tom and his mom went to see, Carrie the musical, at the gayest campiest theatre in Kansas City. They actually smoked real weed on the stage. His mom hated it. Literally everyone in the audience was a middle age gay man. Was that what Tom was. A middle aged gay man. The remains of the old gays. A friend of dorothys. Which has been true all his life.


Tom was such a faggot as a child. He loved the wizard of oz he wrote 16 essays about it in elementary school. For his talent for boy scouts he found a witch black dress and melted like the wicked witch. Can you say queen. He would make up choreo on the soccer field and be a self proclaimed cheerleader for both team on basketball. Even before all of this when he would play with the neighbor hood kids, they would play a game called boys and girls and Tom played for both teams. One ofToms earliest memories is telling the girls that he thinks he should have been a girl. Tom also always played with the girls during recess. Tom found it hard to make friends in elementary school because he was so different. He found refuge in music and art. If only he'd found refuge in dance. Tom was also quite fat and blamed himself and his genes aswell as lack of physical activity to his weight. Why am I telling you this.


Every time my mother mentions me liking girls she reminds me that she has expectations that I will never meet for her. She pushes me further and further into the closet.


Zach. Zach drove Tom places all the time. He drove them the other day to rehearsal downtown and zach told Tom about how he had tried to kill himself over the summer and spent a month in a mental hospital. Now his life was for shit. He had always had a great looking social life. He was well liked in classes and schoo, he was extremely cute, he was talented, and a great person. Tom was almost angry with zach for confiding in Tom. But really Tom was mad at himself for not doing the same. Tom will next time.


Zach Tom had assured himself did not know Tom was gay. Which confused Tom. Why did he play Same love in the car the day after coming out to a therapist and a lesbian. It couldn't be coincidence. Maybe zach was super cool about it. Maybe... Zach was catholic. But it's 2013!



It's 1:32. Tom thought about the other gay people in his life and knowing they go through the same things as him. Shame, lust, shame, depression, fear. Coming out is exhausting. You have to split second decide if you can trust this person with information you don't want others to know.

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