Lost and found

My husband

Sometimes I wander too far from you,
from home.

I don't mean to but I do.

I wander too far and get lost fighting ghosts,
that I get scared and start to doubt.

I wish I didn't doubt, that I could have faith,
but for some reason my first instinct isn't to believe.

I'm sorry I'm that way, I know it isn't easy for you:
having to find me all the time or wait for me to come home.

But no matter what happens, even when we fight,
you still love me anyway.

I get confused and scared and then it mixes with the anger,
and I can't find the right way to explain so I build a wall.

Again, I don't mean to.

Pretending it isn't there is so much easier than having to break that wall,
having to talk to you, having to trust and just let myself fall.

I'm not used to being caught, it scares me.

But what scares me more is that one of these days my stubbornness won't override the fear,
that I won't let you find me when I'm lost.

I'm afraid that I'll chose my fear, my pain,
my ghosts over you and over us because its less scary,
less unknown.

You hold me close and say all the right words and I'm reassured,
I'm safe, I'm where I belong.

Say that you don't mind so long as I come back to you.

I always will, because I know that no matter how high I climb or how low I fall,
you'll always be there to bring me back.

Yet once that wall breaks, we're closer.

I can feel you with me even when you aren't,
its a comforting bliss, I know that once I tear down what keeps us apart,
that I'll feel you in my heart, which comforts more than words could say.

Our love is a rose, sometimes I get pricked by the thorns,
I refuse to let you see I'm bleeding, try to bandage it myself.

But always, I weaken and fall to my knees,
I let you in, and you smile your sweet smile,
you kiss the pain away.

I wish I didn't get these pricks,
but I can't help being glad,
for they make us closer, make our rose more lovely.

You'll always believe in me, in us.

I'll work on it though..the getting lost.

As long as you're there waiting and loving me anyway, I'll never stay gone for long.

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