Self-destructive tendencies


I finally figured out the reason behind my madness,
finally found where the weakness you exploit begins,
the truth was always right in front of me.

Love has always equaled pain,
love never felt real unless I was hurting,
it became the only way I knew to love.

Love isn't love if I'm not bleeding,
but he won't make me hurt.

The love he gives me is kind, strong, pure,
he would never make me cry.

Begging him to hurt me, just once,
but he won't, so I turn to you.

Am I doing it to balance the love with pain?

Am I doing it to hold onto the pain too?

Am I doing it to punish myself?

Some part of me says I don't deserve his love,
that it's too good to be true,
that I need to bleed, need to scream,
just to cause myself agony, I need you.

Feels like my mind is saying how dare you:

How dare you love!

How dare you try to feel anything but pain!

I'm not sure what the real reason is,
if it's to punish myself for loving,
or if its to balance the happiness.

Maybe its a combination of both?

Am I really so twisted that I have to bleed just to feel,
that I have to make myself hurt for love,
am I really so damaged that I have to hurt myself because he won't?

I choose my pain to remind myself that he's too good for me,
I choose your addiction to torture myself all over again.

How do I stop a behavior I never realized I was doing,
how do you stop the voice in your head that motivates your hidden desires?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Something I realized last night, that to me love and pain always went hand in hand, it became all I knew. Love wasn't love if i wasn't hurting. But when I got married, I found one of the rare ones that would rather walk through fire than be the reason behind a single tear. So I found a way to compensate, by going to someone I knew would hurt me. Whether it's a sort of punishment for loving or if its just to balance one with the other I'm not sure. Now that I understand the why, I just have to figure out a way to stop.

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