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My Bank Robbery Fiasco

Clark Steven Lupton

March 2, 2005





I planned to rob a bank by myself

It was an enormous task

I would need a getaway car

And I would need a robber’s mask



I thought of all the money I’d steal

It gave me real joy

But I didn’t want to hurt anyone

So my gun had to be a toy



So then I went into a Makati bank

There were lots of people inside

I told the teller I was a bank robber

But she thought that I had lied



So I put on my mask and said, “Give me all your money!”

And then I showed my toy gun

She filled my bag with a lot of money

And I thought that I was done



I rushed out of the bank

It was as though I was never there

Then I went to my getaway car

But it went flat, without a spare



Then the police were alerted

I could hear their sirens wailing

I was starting to get worried

Because my foolproof plan was failing



I needed to escape

But I was just too cheap

Instead of hailing a taxi

I got into a jeep



It turned out there was traffic

Of that you shouldn’t doubt

But it turned out to be my good luck

Because the jeep weaved in and out



The driver was fast

While the traffic was slow

We were outrunning the police

And then he said, “Ang bayad mo!”



The money was in thousand peso bills

I didn’t have five fifty in change

I told him, “I have no coins,

Is there something else we can arrange?”



He said in perfect English,

“You have no money and you’re all talk.

If you don’t give me your fare

You can get out and walk!”



I said, “You’re an upstanding driver-

A responsible citizen I can tell,

Not only do you speak good English

You also rhyme quite well.”



He said, “If you don’t pay me now

Then from this jeepney you are barred

I don’t need this extra crap

A driver’s life is hard.”



I got out and looked for an empty taxi

But at that time there were none

The police were getting nearer

So I broke into a run



I was in the middle of Ayala

And I needed a place to hide

I was near Glorietta

So I thought I would duck inside



But there was a problem

There were checkpoints at every door

So I checked my moneybag at the baggage claim

Because that’s what they’re there for



So I seemed safe

And so did the cash

But I still had the mask and toy gun

So I threw them in the trash



Then I watched a couple of movies

And by the end of the day

No cops had caught me

It looked like crime does pay!



But I was awoken the next morning

The police had raided my place

“You’re under arrest for bank robbery –

You are scum and a disgrace!”



I pleaded, “How did you find me?”

They said, “Simple police format,

There was one car parked in front of the bank all night

And it had a flat.



“We investigated this clue

Like the bright policemen that we are

We simply looked at the license plate

And traced you as the owner of the car.”



It was starting to be my worst day

And out of my bed I had risen

I had thought it would be the start of my leisurely life

But my new life would now be in prison.



There’s good money in bank robbery

In fact there’s a whole lot

But the trick to a successful heist

Is to not get caught!