Having Trouble This Morning

Woke up later than I wanted to
But I guess I was just tired or tired of it
Struggled to get out of bed which seems to be nothing new
Know I have a few things to do today
Sitting at the computer for a bit trying to wake up before I complete the tasks
As I sit here I feel like a rain cloud is growing above me
Making me feel sadder and sadder as time pasts

I know there's nothing I can do about it
Could be depression, yup it could be
It also could be the pandemic and being very limited
Perhaps a mix of both that really got me down
Also being confused about what one should do

I continue to struggle, this will be an all day event
Somethings that people find to be simple answers, I could write textbooks about my thoughts on them
Nobody seems to understand why my brain thinks like this nor does it have trouble
I've always had that problem of over analyzing 
Perhaps that's why I've never been happy

My brain isn't even happy when it sleeps
I've resorted to sleeping pills to help that process
Wish it just had an off switch 
But some days I don't know if I would want to turn it on

Not sure if I'll even manage to muster up the fake smile today
I'm not even smiling on the inside
Don't think I ever truly smiled in a long time
I'm not talking days or weeks, more than likely months if not years
Think the happy feeling goes along with it
Which means I haven't truly felt happy in that long either

I think I forgot what the feeling of happy is
As well as what it feels like

Ken

View kensquires's Full Portfolio