I Remember Those Feelings

Back in June of 2011 I wrote a book called Unanswered Prayers
In one of them I said that I would pray for God to take me away from this life
Always questioning why he chose to take my Father and leave me
I'm sure I would have left a small void to fill

Now here I sit in September of 2020 at times I'm still praying to God to take me away
This life would be better off for so many others if I wasn't apart of it
I feel like I'm just slowing them down because nothing works out for me
No small accomplishments
No big accomplishments
Feeling like I just slow everyone down with everything I do
Never given the fair chance, always feeling like every task is that much more difficult to do

Nobody seems to understand that
How can a simple task be so difficult for you ?
Not sure if I can overly explain it, but I feel like with every task that I have to live up to others expectations
I don't even know if I have expectations of my own to live up to
Got too many from others that they feel that I need to live up to
Constantly getting told by my Mom "Well your brother did it, why can't you"
But yet if I fuck up the way my brother did and turned to her and said "Well my brother did it that way"
She would automatically expect more from me
Like I'm not allowed to make mistakes and have to do everything positive that everyone else does and more

I never told anyone but back around twenty fifteen (2015) I was looking up homeless shelters
Nothing in my nearby town, but things at least an hour away
Was going to pack my bag and take off one day when I was here alone
Wasn't going to leave any sort of note or anything just vanish into thin air
Yeah at the time I was engaged, wasn't even going to tell her
I honestly don't think she would have cared

I didn't know what I wanted in life back then
Similar to now, but now I'm alone
Now I know nobody wants me 

Ken

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word_man's picture

hard times is to teach you

hard times is to teach you and show you things,a test of sorts
if we counted unanswered prayers we couldn`t contain them,but sometimes he answers but we don`t understand
we all have a purpose and we must fill it


ron parrish

Starward's picture

May I respond to this

May I respond to this candidly?  I think you are wrong to think that nobody wants you, but, having been there myself (in 1981, but I remember it like yesterday), I have an opinion to offer; but I seek your permission first, before I just blurt it out.


Starward

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kensquires's picture

You know, your the only one

You know, your the only one who ever asks for permission... If you want to say it go ahead... I'm not going to stop you


Be Sure To Check Out My Site: http://KenSquires.xyz

Starward's picture

I ask permission because I do

I ask permission because I do not believe that an open comment section is a blank check to just say anything I darn well please.  As a young man, I thought saying anything, and intruding into conversations, was a mark of candor and good faith. Then I was initiated into Freemasonry, and learned a very specific form of courtesy.  Although I am no longer part of that fraternity, the lessons it taught me still obtain; thus, in certain cases, I prefer to ask permission.

  That said, which is not at all what I had intended to share, I wanted to offer my own experience for you to consider, because the last line of your posting is so poignant and, for me, gut-wrenching.  I shall be candid here; because you did give me permission (my request was as much to cover my own you know what as to be courteous).

  I think that, like I was in 1981, you are on a downward spiral, constantly repeating the same curve.  This is very apparent in the words you post, which always seem to be about one single subject.  I did the same thing---only in conversation with others, as there was no internet to post on at that time.  But I became tiresome to all and sundry with my often repeated, and invariable, "woe is me" attitude.  I didn't think anyone want me around; I didn't think anyone liked me; I didn't think I would ever find love.  By God's good grace, which others may prefer to call random chance, I was able to throw myself into corporate employment, and that began to remove me from that constant spiral of counting my disappointments, and making sure everyone around me heard the count, relentlessly repetitious.  I found, over some amount of time (which, I remember, seemed to be very slow in passing) that as my employment distracted me from myself, the old "woe is me" habit began to break.  Now I am not saying the answer has to be found in employment, but it is in some activity that distracts you from yourself.  And those first distractions are terrifying, because there is more comfort in the familiar "woe is me" (and it also draws attention, or one hoped it did) than in the more strenuous activity to which I had given myself.  

   This is where, too, some familiarity with the great poets' lives comes in handy.  Both T. S. Eliot and Wallace Stevens went through a fom of this (I think it is more universal than most people care to admit).  Eliot was a lot more vocal about his woes.  Two years after I began my corporate employment, and after I had already met the woman who would become my first wife and my daughter's mother, I read Peter Brazeau's brilliant biography of Wallace Stevens and was shocked to find out how similar to mine his problem, and the solution to his proble, had been.  In his corporate employment, which eventually led to a Vice Presidency, he had the rough edges knocked off him, and became the smooth poet that many people, including myself, admire to this day.  

  I said all this, with your permission, to say this.  If you can find something---a job, a club, the church, a place that needs volunteers---it will help you to get off the spiral.  Find something else to write about; when you set it down in published postings, it takes on an authority of its own.  You don't have to ride the Titanic all the way to the floor of the Atlantic; you need to jump a lifeboat while there are still some available.  And rather than continuing to announce the level of descent, as it sinks, find another subject for your words; and, over time, you may be able to break that spiral into pieces that do not need to be remembered.


Starward

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kensquires's picture

You know if I were you I

You know if I were you I would be careful about what one says.. No I'm not offended far from it.. However I've always used my writing as an outlet so what I'm going through in life I write about it to make better sense about it or to just get it off of my head since I'm sure I'm not the only one who goes through it and want to share my thoughts about the current situation.

That being said you have two options
1 - if you don't want to read it, then don't click on it
2 - or you can read it and not comment on it

Since 99.9% of us write from the heart... 0.01% of us (that being you) take things from books that have been written / published already by some other writer.

So insatead of writing taking ones writing from books or quoting books try come up with something original. Cause all your quotes I don't look up nor do I read. They mean NOTHING to me


Be Sure To Check Out My Site: http://KenSquires.xyz

Starward's picture

I apologize for any offense I

I apologize for any offense I caused, and I will not comment again on any of your postings.  My motive was genuine concern, but perhaps I presented my opinion too clumsily.  About taking things from books, that is a common poetic practice---Catullus, Vergil, Statius, Dante. John Milton, Alexander Pope, T. S. Eliot. Wallace Stevens, to name just a handful of the greatest names in our literature, all followed the precedent of allusion and reference to other poems and other poetries.  In school, I was told that the only original poet may have been Homer, and even he borrowed from oral mythology.  One of the great glories of Poetry is that it is a community of exchange, not just one individual saying one thing in one style.  Your concluding statement, "They mean NOTHING to me," tells me that I trespassed where I was not wanted, and so I will apologize.  My concern and my intention was valid, and I am certainly sorry that my follow through was unsatisfactory and offensive to you.  Please forgive me.


Starward

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