2004-04-20 Dont read not finished email poem

I resist calling you every minute
I want to tell you something
then remember we are no longer lovers...
want to wish you good morning
want to tell you good night
Then I remember
we are no longer lovers  
I busy my self to forget
and hope to get through this feeling whole
and not halved
by my need and desire for you
always there in my life...
I need someone in my life
because I know from knowing you
I dont want to be without it
I dont want to be without you
but what am I suppose to do
you push me away so many times
each time I opened my heart
you say you cant be responsible
It was just so wonderful
to be loved by you
to be your lover
to touch you
and care for your feelings
but I have a hard time
with wishing you well
when you can stop this pain of separation
by being together
What change do you feel?...
Sense of relief...freedom...
I am really hurt by your wanting me to wish you well...
this is what you want...
dont play the martyr to me
Tell me what you really want
You want your freedom
to not be responsible for my happiness
You want to make your own choices in life as to whether you do laundry Saturday night read your book or go out and find a body And I was a burden to your freedom  My love for you was stronger than your love for me because if it were equal we would have found a compromise and been content with whatever time we had together.  Yes I wanted more because I had more time to give...But in a couple relationship its not the individual its the good of the couple...individual freedoms are the produce of a stable relationship trust acceptance belief that the other has their best interest in heart...but it wasn't there...if it had ...you would have got me flowers...you did once because you knew it would keep me with you...but since you didn't it indicated to me that I could be here or I could be gone It didn't matter...You spoke from your heart when you didn't consider my feelings of how our relationship was going...and I should be happy that I am no longer subjected to your painful lack of emotional investment...Baby how do you really feel...Was I a great thing that happened to you but is not exactly what you need right now...something to relish and savor but not someone you make a commitment and plans with...I am tried of being in pain I want desperately to sleep with you again Our last parting was quick a fast kiss as I rushed off sunbathed to go home to get ready for work...I would do that to be with you...it was exciting but the pain of not being the near center to your emotional world is hard ...so wish me well but understand I am taking my time in forgiving you I dont wish you malicious but its going to take a while to wish you well...
I had my hand on the phone and then Julia called or you would have heard my voice...

Author's Notes/Comments: 

No, not looking for sympathy. Just communicating my feelings. I sense a change in me. Good or bad, ................I don't know yet. I regret the hurting that accompanies seperation. I hope you are OK. I'm sure you are consumed by your search for your next mate. Wish me well, ............as I do you.
I did nothing to deserve this pain and then you go and berate me with an insidious implication that what I am doing to find a lover and companion is somehow distasteful and above your noble cause...

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