How Can I Save Someone, If I Can't Save Myself ?

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Kennie Kayoz

How can I save someone if I can't save myself.
At times I feel like I shouldn't exist.
How many wrongs did I do yesterday.
Is tomorrow going to be any better.

Why is it that I fight with my brain over so much.
If it was another person it would be a true yelling match.
I don't know where things would begin nor end.
I struggle in everyday life, with tasks that others would find simple.

Getting confused easily as I go through the day.
My mind starts analyzing that day when the moon rises.
What if I did certain things different, would I feel any better about myself.
For a while I thought anti depressants were the answers.

They didn't work, I got taken off of them.
Got told to manage my own sadness.
What if I can't manage it.
What if it gets the best of me.

I have a hard time figuring out what makes me happy.
If I get too much of something that makes me happy will it have the ill effect on me ?
I have no idea where my life is leading>
Which path did I choose to go down.

Would I have been better to chose differently.
What if I just spend the day sitting in my room, in the dark.
Could that help me find the answers I'm looking for.

Kennie

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SSmoothie's picture

A minute n every day in my

A minute n every day in my life. Other other 23hrs and 59mins is reminding me it's all bullshit I have a choice. Always and what ever happens I gotta deal cause that's what it is. I can change tomorroW. I don't need a purpose I'm hero just because I got through that minute, now I've saved my self what else can I do? I think this is a great empathy piece. Vulnerability is exposed and the aching unanswerable questions remain un answered. Nice share thanks. Reminded me to never get caught in it. 


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Morningglory's picture

Well, we can spend a lot of

Well, we can spend a lot of time in woulda, coulda, shoulda land. Can be useful for a moment to keep oneself in check if they are interested in making changes so they don't repeat mistakes too many times. We have to be Willing to learn, grow, change. It's okay to look at our own behavior and decide if we have misstepped.  It it's not good for us if we use that information to abuse ourselves. We have better outcomes if we treat ourselves gently and with love. I haven't really figured out exactly what makes me happy. I know people can get a smile out of me pretty easy but I also know I have the potential to wallow in dark places inside myself. Have learned to manage it pretty well. Took many years and a whole lot of effort. Forget the thoughts of Can't. As my guy says, "can't lives on won't street". So the real question is "what if I won't?"

 

It Won't get the best of you if you don't allow it. 

 


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kensquires's picture

Thanks for your feedback I

Thanks for your feedback I appreciate it.

The growing part is something that I have trouble with, it's not an easy thing to do. I feel like I take two steps forward and one step back most times when I think I'm growing. I honestly think it's my past that's screwing things up, I'm currently mid 30's and back in high school I was bullied and harrassed alot so I think that affected me growing as a person and when I do it's very very slow growth... well mentally that is... physically I was standing in around 5 feet tall in high school now I'm standing about 6'4 so needless to say the physical growth I figured out.


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Morningglory's picture

Well...

No body ever said it was easy. Lol. But two steps forward, one step back is still one step forward. Slow growth Ain' a bad thing either. Think about trees. They grow pretty slow, endure a lot of harsh weather and abuse yet remain strong and continue to grow. I know some trees don't make it and all but you, you have awareness of your own issues and that is a huge advantage. I wouldn't take their so called medicines. Pharmescudicals are not to be trusted. Those don't fix things anyway...only numb and dull us. I suggest pouring all angst into some form of art. I see you are writing and that is a good one. But I personally find. It doesn't necessarily do the trick. Throwing paint can be fun! 

I have faith in you! You can do it!


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