Confessions Of A Girl

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A Note from the author:

 

The reason I called this book, my first book, Confessions Of A Girl, is that this book will take you on a journey into my mind and see what it is that I feel, or have felt at the time of writing that paritcular piece. It is my way of confessing my wrong doings on paper without saying specifically what I did, as well as releasing some built up anger for one person in particular.

 

For most people, this is nothing but words on a page, however, what makes poetry good, dispite the content, is the feelings behind it...If there is feeling, genuine emotion, put behind the words it makes the piece special and important. When you lack emotion it's simply words. As I wrote each peice there was a lot of emotion, and many tears, and that is why this is my book of Confessions.

 

This book is very personal to me as it covers a lot of my life, choices I made, things I felt, and people who were and are important to me. My hope is that some of the people who read this will be able to relate to my book and see that although we make mistakes as human beings, it doesn't have be something that holds us back in life or make us weak. We as humans are supposed to learn from our mistakes and change what we are doing to be a better person. For some of us, that means changing our identity and starting fresh, for others it means waiting for that right person to walk into our lives and make us see our mistakes and want to change so that we don't lose what we have in our lives at the present time, and for some, it's a little of everything, as was the case for me.

 

I thank you in advance for reading my words and taking the journey into the personal side of my life. I hope you enjoy what you find here and please feel free to leave me comments and as always, don't forget to visit the website (http://4Einc.uni.cc) and see all that we have to offer.

Mr. Wrong 12/05/06

 

I was fine before you walked into my life

Funny how now I only want to talk to you with a knife

You're my past and that's where you belong

Cause you, in fact, were Mr. Wrong

You tried to make me happy but you didn't

All I did was keep my misery hidden

I tried to please you

But you walked on me, like a mat with a shoe

I tried to change

But inside it felt strange

That's okay cause you're my past

And you're my last

I'm done with being sad

Done with being bad

I found somebody great

It must have been fate

He lives so close to me

I don't know how I couldn't see

That love was right around the bend

And all my honour he would defend

I loved you back then

Now I know what's real, amen

You were Mr. Wrong and now I have Mr. Right

His love is so bright

He is my everything, my all

And will never let me fall

I love him so

And I'll never ever let him go.

Jessica Diamond

Count My Blessings 12/06/06

 

Sittin here lookin at the screen

Wishin I could wipe the slate clean

Thinkin about the past and what was lost

Thinkin about everything it cost

The price I paid for being stupid

By looking everywhere for cupid

Finding it in all the wrong places

Knowing that I have to look into their faces

Seeing their hurt

Thinkin of myself as nothing but dirt

Why I went the way I did I'll never know

Cause lookin back I know it was low

So here I sit time after time

Knowin what I did was a crime

Cryin a million tears

Feels like I've been cryin for years

Don't know why I'm still alive

Or how, mentally, I survive

I hate myself for all I've done

How could I have thought I was having fun?

Sittin here lookin at the screen

Wishin I could wipe the slate clean

Not sure why you love me

At times I think you should be free

Of my stupidity and past

That you should just run really fast

And find a life that's better than what I can give

To find a place of happiness to live

Because you deserve the best

And I feel like I just make you stressed

Yet I'm grateful that you're in my life today

And count my blessings every day.

Jessica Diamond

One & Only 12/06/06

 

The tears, they will not stop

My heart sinks and I feel it drop

It's like I'm not human anymore

Like the sand upon an ocean shore

I fade away without notice or care

Wondering how this life can be fair

My cheeks stained by the tears

That have been falling for years

The unhappiness I feel inside

I feel as though I have died

Forgotten by the world around me

Nobody to hear my quiet plea

To be loved for once in my life

To know what it's like to be a wife

To raise a family of my own

To be acknowledged and known

Yet here I sit, alone and crying

Telling myself to stop lying

My life will never be good

'Cause I'll forever be misunderstood

Still, these tears will not stop

I'm so tired I just want to drop

Into a heap on the floor

Of life, I'm wanting more

But I know better

So I'll just sit here and write my letter

My note for the end

Knowing that truly I was without a friend

'Cause this life gets lonely

When you're the one and only.


Jessica Diamond

My Cry 12/07/06

 

Lookin for somethin good in life

So I can forget the knife

I hold in my hand

But I feel like you don't understand

The way I feel, each and every day
All I want is for you to stay

To never leave me alone

'Cause my world is a cyclone

Spinnin out of control

And I'm not feeling whole

I'm not all here

And I have lots to fear

So here I am again looking for something good

Tryin to figure out what I did

To have a life so full of pain

Lookin outside and all I see is rain

Why can't my life be sunny?

Why can't I just have money?

Why can't I make it all work out?

And why does my mind have to be full of doubt?

All I want is to find a life that's happy

And trade in this one that's crappy

I'm tired of being sad

Tired of being told I'm bad
I'm tired of being afraid

Tired of lookin at this damn blade

Just take it away from me

Let me be free from this life

Let me put down this knife

Help me please

Take my hand and give it a squeeze

So that I know you're there

And that for me you care

This is my cry

For help before I say goodbye.


Jessica Diamond

Free 01/03/07

 

You think you're so hot

But really you're not

You think you're always right

When you really only want to fight

You push me this way and that

Tellin me that I'm nothin but a rat

Like I'm somethin you can get rid of in a flash

Like a bat to my skull; dead with one fatal bash

Too bad I ain't goin out like that

To you I'm nothin but a brat

Too bad you can't eliminate me

And have your mind be free

Cause deep down I don't think you wanted this baby girl

Then it was too late cause your world was in a whirl

Now here we are 20 plus years later in the same spot

You still think you're oh so hot

And I'm still the knife in your back

Cause a life is what you lack

Blaming everybody but yourself

Thinkin you're like something glass sittin on a shelf

Something to look at and do nothin with

Living as if your life were a myth

I hate you and you don't even know

That you're a reason why my confidence is low

Back off bitch and get outta my view

This is my time to shine; it's my debut

4E Inc is gonna take me far

And to my husband I'm already a star

Too bad that's somethin you can't see

That's okay, cause now of you I am free.

Jessica Diamond

Takin My Bow 01/03/07

 

Look at me

Sittin all pretty yet you don't see

The fact that I'm doin somethin with my life

Other than sittin here simply being somebodys wife

I'm having fun

Instead of assuming my life is done

I'm better than you

And there's nothing you can say or do

To make me think otherwise

Cause I'm sick of your fuckin lies

Tellin me I'm good when you don't believe I am

Your words are nothing but a scam

You hate me being alive

Yet here I am struggling to survive

Just me and my man

Cause he's my number one fan

Too bad you wanted her more than me

You can deny it but in your eyes I see

That the dead is better than the living to you

And deep down you know it's true

Not once when I was little did you tell me that I was pretty

What a pity

Your loss not mine

Your shit makes for good rhyme

So look at me now

As I stand here happily and take my bow.


Jessica Diamond

Bridal Dream 01/04/07

 

I'm waiting for the day

When I can finally say

That I'm a married woman

And that my husband is my number 1 fan

'Cause at the moment it's only a dream

At times I just want to scream

Fearing this will never happen for me

Yet in my mind it's allI see

Wanting to wear that white gown

And feel like the queen of the town

To have flowers all around

To have bubbles blowin' from the ground

The perfect wedding that's what I want

But bad dreams haunt

Me every day

Thinking, knowing I'll never see it that way

What can I say, it's every girls dream

To be a bride and beam

Beautiful for the world to see

And know she's all she can be

I dream of being a bride

By the ocean and crashing tide

The warmth of the sun

For my day to finally come

But for me it will never be that way

It's a dream, that's all I can say.

Jessica Diamond

Deceive 01/10/07

 

You look at me but you don't see

The fact that I am not gonna let it be

You look at me and see somebody who can be fooled

But here my anger has pooled

I am not somebody you can deceive

Whether or not you choose to believe

I will not stand for that

If need be I will go into combat

With words spoken loudly

And you had better believe they will be spoken proudly

'Cause there's one thing I cannot stand

And that's a person who has a demand

That makes another feel bad

And makes them cry because they're sad

I am not somebody you can deceive

Whether or not you choose to believe

I know what was said

And I know that tears were shed

Tonight I sit here pissed

Partly wanting not to exist

'Cause what you did hurt

To know that with her you did flirt

You think I don't know

But you're wrong and that was low

Sayin what you did to her

In my head it's all a blur

And you look at me but you don't see

The fact that I am not gonna let it be

'Cause I'm not somebody that you can deceive

Whether or not you choose to believe.


Jessica Diamond

Flowers Of Blue 01/14/07 Also featured in "The Beginning"

 

You tell me you have something for me

But I have to wait and see

Sitting there I wonder what it could be

What could you possibly have planned for me

You say you need to make a quick stop

As there's something you need to shop

For that will make me cry

You're right, not a word of a lie

I was crying inside

But the outside tears I did hide

To my surprise, flowers of blue

I sat and wondered, could this be true

Could he really be this sweet

My insides so full of heat

Passion for this man beside me

Who is my prince, here to set me free

These flowers of blue full of life

Making me want to be his wife

'Cause you make everything right

Even though I momentarily lost sight

Of that a few nights ago

But you're my life, my beau

My world and my all

I know if ever I should fall

That I can find comfort in your embrace

And find your love staring me in the face

Thank you for everything, for my flowers of blue

But most of all, thank you for just being you.


Jessica Diamond

I'm Free 02/09/07

 

You used me for your own joy

To you I was nothing more than a toy

You found joy while I found pain

But inside I hoped I had something to gain

I may have had things to learn

But my mind was focussed on the burn

Thinking about what I could do for you

To please you and tell myself that I was happy too

That life was nothing more than a lie

In the end making me want to just give up and die

Never knowing the meaning of love that was true

Doomed to be forever blue

That life is no more

'Cause I'm sick of being your whore

Now I stay in the arms of one man

Who has shown me true love and who is my number one fan

To him I cannot ever repay

All the thanks I've owed him since that October day

No more do I have to fear

I'm free now to stand up and cheer.

Jessica Diamond

Family Life 02/09/07

 

Always alone, never hearing a sound

Laying in a heap upon the ground

Crying, trying to understand why

Inside I feel I should die

Hating myself and all I stand for

Yet I know you're shit and I'll go back for more

Unable to stop 'cause it's what I feel I deserve

Feeling like shit, there's nothing left of me to preserve

I'm a horrible person but nobody can see

That life would be better off without me

I'm this and that, that's all I hear

No wonder my mind's full of fear

You constantly tell me I'm no good

Never once been treated like a girl should

You never told me I was pretty or nice

Like a gambler, I just have to roll the dice

Hope for a good day whenyou don't call me a name

Always wishing I wouldn't bring you shame

But I'll never be teh one you want deep down

So I'll forever walk with a frown

Upon my face looking so sad

'Cause I know I'm nothing but bad.


Jessica Diamond

Why 02/09/07

 

Why can't I be normal

Why couldn't I have gone to the formal

Why did I turn to food so long ago

Why didn't I know

That later in life it would make things worse

That it'd end up being my curse

Growing up a big girl

Watching my life spin and twirl

Knowing people didn't like me 'cause I was big

Being teased, hearing I was like a big rig

And that I should have a sign "Caution wide load"

"you're ugly", "you're fat" that's what I was told

Doomed to a life of low self-esteem and confidence 'cause of you

Bet you never thought that's what your words would do

Years later, I'm still a big girl

Still feel like I'm a the tilt-a-whirl

Watching my life spin 'round

As I lay crying upon the ground

Still wondering why

Wishing my life wasn't passing me by

Why can't I be good just once in my life

So I can stop thinking about that knife

And how to end it all

So that no longer I will fall.

Jessica Diamond

Your Slave 03/03/2007

 

I am your slave, by not by choice

I am your slave cause I have no voice

I'm your puppet, you pull on my strings

And happiness is what it brings

But not to me, only to you

Because I can't do nothing without you

You made sure of that years ago

My low confidence is how I know

That I am your slave

And that I will always dig my own grave

There is no help for me

Cause darkness is all that I can see

You say that for me you want what's best

But I think that would be if I were to eternally rest

I bring you nothing but shame

And a big part of you is to blame
Never good enough for you
That much is true

Cause I'm not the one you favour nor will I ever be

Everything you do allows me to see

That I am merely dirt at your feet

So inside I shall never be complete.


Jessica Diamond

Back In The Day 03/11/07

 

Back in the day I didn't know

That the life wasn't just for show

Some embrace it as their life

And some won't marry a wife

Unless she's down with that

And the life don't care if you're fat

Or thin, black or white

Some say that life ain't right

But when that's what you feel you deserve deep inside

And you realise that you have nowhere else to hide

Then you embrace a life of danger

By seeking the pleasure of a stranger

But I didn't know

Just how far I would go

No cares in the world

'Cause my cries could not be heard

Chains and lealther restraining me

What a sight for you to see

I gave in to you time and time again in the dead of night

Offering little to no fight

Back then I didn't know what else to do

But take that shit from you

How wrong I was to take part in that type of life

Knowing how back then it was my knife

It was my slow suicide

Since I had noone in whome I could confide

Back in the day I was the worlds slave

But now I know that's no way to behave

Forgive me ... please!


Jessica Diamond

A New Leaf 03/11/07

 

No cares for myself

My heart put in a box on a shelf

My soul had died

And daily I lied

Nobody knew what I did

Inside I was just a kid

Not caring what happened to me

Just wanting to be left alone to be

Free to do what I wanted day in and day out

While inside all I did was shout

Not likely where I was going but unable to stop

My life was a complete flop

But you were nowhere in sight

So inside I continued to fight

No love from home

So out in the world I began to roam

Trying to find love yet looking for pain

Feeling as if someday there'd be no more rain

Hoping for a better life

Hoping to someday be a normal wife

But I moved my heart so far away

That to me I'd never see that day

Now I'm a new person with a new heart and mind

'Cause now I have the best find

A husband who loves me and doesn't care 'bout my past

And says our love will always last.


Jessica Diamond

Day At The Beach 03/15/07

 

It's supposed to be a day of having fun

Out laughin and enjoying the sun

But to you I'm just your whale

That's right, I'm determined to fail

To be abosolutely nothing in your eyes

As if that's really a big surprise

All my life I've been told I'm nothing so why should that change

I know I'm nothing but strange

I'm not like the other girls you see

Hell, I'm nothing you want me to be

So this day in the sun is just a joke

Just like my dreams, they've all gone up in smoke

You look at me like I'm a freak

And I feel as though I should not speak

'Cause every word I say comes out all wrong

And I don't feel as though I truly belong

In this world alongside the likes of you

So perhaps I should just bid this world adieu

Say my time here is done

But it's time for me to run

To find joy above the clouds in the forever glow of light
Where things can finally be right

Yet here I lay thinking on this day at the beach

That we're wrong for each other 'cause this only gives you a reason to preach

To make me your posession so you can change me

But I'm not a child, you can't just put me over your knee

I'm an adult and I should be somebody who matters to you

Unfortuantely that's something we both knew

Would never happen 'cause to that you'll never admit

So here's to life, cheers, I Quit!


Jessica Diamond

Your Call 03/21/07

 

All this time I thought we were meant to be

Now I'm wondering if I'm blind and that's why I can't see

I hate how this is turning out

'Cause you're making me so full of doubt

But I guess it's me

It's how I'll always be

I'm no good for you, I'm no good at all

Every time I try I hit the wall

I fail at all I try

Sometimes I think it'd be better if I'd just die

Sittin here thinkin about you

I'm the one who's angry and blue

Perfectly matched that's what I thought we were

Thought we'd be together for sure

But now that looks like nothing but a dream

Like a deer I'm caught in that light beam

My life flashes before my eyes

'Cause I filled my mind with all these lies

Guess we weren't meant to be after all

Then again it's always been your call.


Jessica Diamond

* untitled * 03/22/07

 

Sittin here, wonderin what to do

Can't help thinkin I'm not right for you

Nothing makes me happy right now

Possibly cause I feel like a cow

Feelin all ugly and pathetic as can be

Wishin inside I could just be free

But I'm trapped in a place I don't wish to be in

Wishin that just once I could win

So why would you want someone like me

Someone who's been through school but has no degree

I'm not smart, can't offer you much

The only thing I can do is offer a warm touch

To love you for all that you are

Even if it's simply loving you from afar

I'm poor in life, yet rich in love

Is that why I feel I'd be better up above

Dead to everybody here

So that I don't have to live another pathetic year

So that I don't have to continue thinkin that I'm not right for you

So that in some way I can say I'm just a person you knew

How can I be all that you want me to be

When in my heart, in some small way, it hurts me to see

That really and truly you need me as much as I need you.


Jessica Diamond

Dream No More 04/15/07

 

You told me I could do anything

And one of my dreams was a ring

But it will never be

That life is not meant for me

Always an issue with cash

Nothing to save 'cause it's gone in a flash

Wanting my dreams to come true

Wanting a life with you

Yet it seems it shall never be

'Cause this life comes with a fee

And I shall dream no more

Simply cry in a heap upon the floor

I have nothing to give

No real reason to live

For nothing makes me happy

And my life is nothing but crappy

Destined to stay in hell forever

Because I'm not that clever

I have no school smarts

My life's divided into parts

None of which are good

I hide beneath my hood

And cry because I can dream no more.


Jessica Diamond

Goodbye 04/26/07

 

Once you were mine

Once you made me shine

But now you're no more

How I long for you in my core

To once again be in me

To let me see

That life can be great

That I found my life mate

I wish that you were here

And that I was without fear

But I guess this is best

For now my body simply needs rest

How happy the thought made me

Knowing what the future would be

Now I think of the loss

But you are the boss

And I guess the time was not right

So why bother trying to fight

Wait for a better time

Then we can shine

Together as one

So that the future will be fun

And all our dreams will come to be

But for now I say goodbye to thee.


Jessica Diamond

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