sadness

{The Willow}

 

The weeping willow cries for you

Until winter sucks up its breath 
Coming anew is a thorn 
The willow provides shelter
With curiosity of the thoughts below
But cannot hear 
You're beckoning the same melody 
As up above 
If two beings feel pain 
Does it make a sound?
No
Time replaces all losses
Soon they'll both be at times end 
The clock stopped
Or rather skipped 
The unfortunate end to this tale
Sympathy grew old early 
and passed 
Along with guilt
and remorse 
Providing no new seed 
For the loam below 
 
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Knight in Tin Foil Armor

I can't trust a single one of you.
Calling yourselves "knights in shining armor";

Planning to play me for the fool.

Show me your charms, your wits;

Strength to boot.

Sweep me off my feet;

Literally.

 

But, I am no damsel in distress;

My friend.

I can see right through you;

Thin shards of tin foil, feather away.

There goes your ruse, your cheap display.

 

You aren't a knight at all.

Just a meek sheep, in wolves clothes.

You have been exposed;

How will the tin foil protect you against from the sting & pain of a real steel blade?
Only a real knight would know.
I have yet to meet one.
Of mice & men, I meet the mice.
& sure, they're nice.
But, what's "nice" do when you need someone to save you?

 

I save myself

& the men too.

& they wonder why I don't want to stay...

I'm not the damsel in distress;

I'm a strong woman, in a dress.

A pure heroine.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Truth.

My Flame

 

 
My Brokenness hurts in new ways in each season of my life
Some more painful to go through than others
Sometimes you're not the only one affected either
His Truth remains the same,
His fire burns; His Flame.
 
In the rest of His arms my soul seeks,
Yet my sin and body meek, 
To the one who destroys,
and employs destruction,
The magnet to my heart so sweet,
Yet my falls induction. 
 
A spiral I see but to the Lord He smiles for He knows the blows only brings me closer; His trials
In the hope I see, an end to the trend of my slippery slope,
Yet that end isn't near but I can hear, what is that?
 
Ah yes, His truth remains the same, His fire burns; his flame. 
 
The Lord accepts me in my failures, the precepts He gives He tailors, 
For me. 
I see it, but still fail, 
I hit the trail and run. I try and catch up to You but still I stumble, I mumble, I groan, my feet fail me
It's time to give up. I give up. I give up
 
I trust in You, but still I try to live up, drink from Your cup I try. I try, I try, 
Yet I still die, and why?
 
Ah yes, don't forget! His truth remains the same. His fire burns; His flame! 
 
But Lord it hurts, it's painful, I don't like it but I need it. 
I love it, but I hate it. 
It's growing on me now, I see it.
 
Oh lord how beautiful You are, 
And how I thought you were so far, but no! 
You're right here, You've always been here! 
 
What's this? You're handing me a mirror so that I can see myself? 
But Lord, let me just gaze upon You,
Let me see you just for another se- wha', where's my filth? 
I'm white as snow.. Wait God, where did you go? I need You! 
 
[God] " Son, don't be afraid for I am here with you.
 Remember, my Truth remains the same, 
my Holy Fire burns, it is My Flame! 
 
It destroys you, yet frees you.
Though your feet may fail you,
My love never fails
 
I took the sin of the world and put it upon my Son as a sacrifice,
The only thing that would suffice
He paid the highest price.
 
He died and rose again,
Now you are made clean in my sight, 
My love for you, made complete." 
 
[me] 
 
God, I praise you,
I give you my everything 
May my life represent the goodness of your love in my life.
 
May my lips sing of your praises forever and ever. AMEN! 
 
[pause]
 
Entering this rest....Was this life a test?
No,no
A blessing, that will have me forever confessing the goodness of my Lord,
My Savior, my King, my Father, my Sword.
 
I am His son, for whom He loves and will never be forgotten.
He is here with me.
His Fire burns bright, and His Flame sustains me, from within me. 
 
Thank you, Lord. 
 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this in the midst of my complete brokenness dealing with a struggle of mine. It shown my struggle of going back and forth and then the way it's written shows the anxiety and distraction i have during it. also, at the end is the hope in which I can gaze upon God freed of my pain and basking in His beauty, changed all throughout because of it. 

The Aftermath

Folder: 
The Love

 

I'm in his arms and I think of your touch

The one on my leg in the car during rush

Hour traffic goes by, and you're not by my side,

I'm left here begging and pleading the tide

To wash you back to shore, to be forevermore

To be with me in this life once more

But I know moving on is what's expected

I know what we had never resurrected

And this fucking tragedy has me crawling

In ways so cryptic, it's  appalling...

I'm in his arms, and I think of you

He's no lover in the way we loved smooth

Rough and competitive, he leaves me on my toes

When with you, we always knew what each other knows.

And starting over was never in the plan.

Starting over was not supposed to happen.

And what of us?

What are we to do?

I crave you... I still crave you,

You told me goodbye... not see you again soon.

What am I to do?

He can never hold me the way you do. 

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Some Cavern

This place is full of downers
Sad, smelly, flimsy frowners.
Tell me something, and tell it true,
Is it not as hard for me, as it is for you?
Depression, compression
Man it stings!
It crumbles, it dries,
And other things.
How are you and we to be all downers?
Man, wasting all these hours.
Ugh
Can't we stop and smell the flowers?
Shut our mouths or reach from our ugly bowers?
 
I'm thinking maybe I should leave this place,
And this grey, and lost, and raggedy race.
Find some other place, to replace.
Then who would be a nutcase?
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Distance

Folder: 
The Love

Those times you used to say

It'll be alright, it'll be okay

And youd make it so I was fine

But now it seems you have no time

 

To watch and see that I am there

Safe and sound, I'm happy here

But now I guess I've become a chore

Something handled no more.

 

What happened to the long nights wishing

That I was in your arms and you were kissing

My on the cold winter nights

Before anything could corrupt our delight

 

What happened to that forever smile

Something you gave me so lonh awhile

That made me feel full of life

Now it seems your smile's a knife.

 

I feel torn... like you've lost your love

And you're only doing the routine enough

To get by another day not alone

While I'm miles away crying at home.

Did I Fail?

Did I fail that day?


Even if yes you say,


No, I don’t think so,


Didn’t I act like Apollo?


 

Like Athena, be wise,


Like the sun, let your conscience rise,


I concur that I was like Dionysus earlier,


And hopefully saw in you my Demeter.


 

Alas! Changed we’re now like earth,


Where’s that love? Where’s that mirth?

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tags:

The Human I Loved Is Dead

If you had asked her how she thought she would die back when she had been alive, she would probably tell you she would meet her end by way of her untrustworthy vehicle hugging a highway median in a speedy and lethal embrace, or perhaps that one day she would grow weary of Murphy's Law dictating her every move in life, and would bid this unjust world farewell; 

leaving only a tipped chair and swinging heels as her last grand gesture before the final curtain fell. 

 

She'd no doubt punctuate the statement with a wry smile and slight laugh, and you'd be left feeling slightly unsettled and then nervous for her wellbeing, even as you chuckled along with her. 

 

But for all the made up scenarios she could have told you, she would've never guessed that her demise would ultimately be met by way of accident in the tiny rented bedroom of a house she hated living in.

 

"I feel like a ghost here. They're barely aware of my presence at all. Maybe I prick their ears with the sound of a closing door, or the muted padding of my footfalls to the bathroom or kitchen turns their heads slightly. Who knows. I think I'm forgotten as soon as that moment ends, though"

 

A particularly sleepless night, losing count of the sleeping pills entering her mouth as the hours dragged on. Plucking her eyebrows to the soundtrack of her favorite video game; tinny noises playing through the speakers of her laptop, passing the time. 

Two here, three there. Now two more because it's been about an hour and she works in the morning. 

And so the fateful night went.

 

I suppose if she surveyed the situation now, she would be sorely disappointed. 

 

"For all the nights- heck, all the DAYS- I spent willing my life to end in the worst possible way, wishing my body could at least spare a few tears to make me feel alive...and I die because I wanted to sleep? What a waste. Even in death, I was cheated" 

 

It took them 3 days to find her. 

 

The scene was strangely normal for all the turmoil she'd so often confided in me to be in. Turns out, she put herself through much more in life than was actually necessary to bring her to death's doorstep. 

 

Her phone was left unchecked on the charging port, alarm still persistently reminding her to get ready for work; countless social media notifications pockmarked the screen with bright red.

 

Her room was an eyesore and a mess: diet pills and piles of unopened bills collected dust together on a cluttered dresser top. Beauty products lay strewn across every surface, including the floor. Cardboard moving boxes with words like "Christmas Ornaments" scrawled on the side held dirty dishes, on the other side of the room, fruit flies congregated atop a pile of old food left abandoned on a paper plate.

 

Then there was her. 

 

Laying on her stomach in bed, a single sheet draped over the lower half of her eerily still form. Face to the side, head cradled on a mascara stained pillow with no pillowcase. She could pass for sleeping if you didn't already know.

 

In death, she looked neither serene nor troubled. Just lifeless. 

 

Near her head on the nightstand, sat the fateful empty bottle of sleeping pills and a glass of water which mere days ago, had held the liquid that would ultimately wash down her last meal.

 

 

Death by diphenhydramine. 

 

 

"Good grief, what a silly way to go. I could write a story about that, you know"

 

Even now, I swear I can hear her voice in my ear. Laughing at me, correcting my grammar, telling me to lighten up as I write this. 

 

God, I wish you could've known her. 

 

I would give anything just to once more see the way her cheeks flushed when you complimented her, or how her eyes could hold so much obvious pain, yet her mouth could defy its existence and you'd somehow believe her when she said she was okay.

 

I never had the chance to see her happy; really, truly happy, and that has plagued me with tremendous guilt since I first got the call from her distressed parents.

 

I don't know if she would've taken her life by choice. I don't know that. I can't know that.

I know she spoke of it with an unnerving amount of frequency, but I always believed that the fire inside her burned just enough to keep her moving forward despite the misery she showed me, yet hid from the rest of the world.

 

Whenever the flames dimmed and only faint, glowing embers remained, I had made sure I was always there to softly breathe life into them, and sooner or later she'd find her resolve to keep going. 

 

But in the end, it only took a moment of my absence on an otherwise normal night, for a strong gust of wind to extinguish her flame completely. 

 

To smother out the delicate existence I had all but dedicated myself to preserving. 

 

The only thing I know with complete and unwavering certainty, is that night, the world was robbed of someone who had greatness in them that could have led revolutions. 

 

Yet she had tricked herself into believing she was worthless- 

 

"merely a cosmic dust bunny under the bed of this vast universe",

 

-and I think it finally caught up with her. 

 

All that untapped potential now lies buried under 6 feet of dirt in a stupid wooden box. She didn't deserve a box; she deserved the world and I failed to give it to her. 

 

Now I mourn that a man will never know what it is to love her, and a small handful of women will never get to experience what it really meant to call her 'friend'. 

 

She was so fierce and passionate about the real things in life- past all the bullshit and facades- she knew what was worth her love, and would do anything for those select few she held dear, even at the expense of her own wellbeing.

 

I can't make any more memories with her. I only have what she left me with, and although I've tried to keep them fresh in my mind, the years pass and I start to wonder what was reality and what is now merely fabrication of my experiences with her.

A feeble attempt by my aging mind to add years onto a life that was cut so short by the most unfortunate and preventable of circumstances.

So much time has passed, but some nights she still visits me in my dreams, and we just talk. Trying desperately to make up for the lost years she should've spent by my side in one night.

 

When I wake from those dreams, my pillow is damp and my throat constricts painfully as I come to realize I'm still alone, and she's still gone. 

 

There are so many unknowns, even all this time later.

Questions that will never have answers. 

It took a lot of years for me to come to terms with knowing that and also being okay with it. 

 

She was always something of a mystery, and the way she left me only further served to prove that there really was no figuring her out. 

 

I only know I miss her every day. 

 

 

"I'm tired of people trying to somehow solve me. You know, figure me out as if I'm a Rubik's cube or a math problem. You don't ask where the wind comes from and why it does what it does. You simply let it cool your face on a hot summer day, or admire how it bends the stalks of flowers and makes the leaves of the mightiest trees tremble at its touch. 

 

I am the wind" 

 

 

G. Bosquez 

6/13/2015 

3:03 AM

Please, Don't Go

Please don't go --  

I hardly knew you.   

I hardly knew whether you  

liked your carrots and hummus with  

blueberry tea, chai, or if you  

preferred water.  I hardly knew  

if pancakes were your favorite  

with fresh fruit, or if waffles  

could have been substituted.   

I hardly knew if classical music was  

your jam, though Hozier definitely broke  

through. 


Please don't go,  

I need you whole and  

I love you so; your presence gives me  

flutterbys that calm my crazy stomach.   

I hardly knew whether Scarlett  

matched your eyes.   

I hardly knew if your taste in literature  

was acquired, like that sweet tooth for ice cream,  

or if your very genes turned on  

the expression of a bookworm.   

I hardly knew the soles of your glorious feet  

and where they would want to be planted,  

given the chance to take root.   

hardly knew if your sleepy eyes  

looked for mine  

before guiding your consciousness  

into dreams. 


Please don't go.   

I want you forever, and  

I know that's selfish, but  

I've never expressed greed like this  

before.   

You are the sweetest notes  

to ever grace my ears;  

sweeter than the twinkling of  

the brightest star,  

sweeter than the tigers spoken by Mary Jane,  

sweeter than any ice cream I could possibly name. 


So please don't go --  

you keep me whole.   

I love you so. 


Cire Luey Freemind

Author's Notes/Comments: 

a freewrite