sadness

Without You

The days that were before,

O, how have they been lost!

Another tear, the tear,

it will soothe in my love-tossed soul

 

Decidedly, I chose to not forget,

as if there ever was a chance

at this repair, so hopeful I let

the seen things go, until

 

But it is clear, oh very clear

that this soul you don't deserve

that this hopefullness doesn't strike

that it is I you don't care to like

 

for that, I set myself free

from your shackles,

from your tax

upon which you feed,

is there still a chance at this repair?

I stop pondering it,

for my live is to live now,

without this nightmare it's become

without the deceit to overcome

without all the tears you bring into it

Without You

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Were This A Suicide Note From Me

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd tell you all one final goodbye,

With phony words you won't read,

Saying, For me, please don't cry.

But this is just my simple truth,

So I know no one really even will,

Shed one honest, heartfelt tear,

If my own life...were I to kill.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd ask forgiveness for what I've done.

I'd especially be sorry to,

My daughter...and my sons.

But this is my real existance,

So in fact, no one would care,

That I'd felt the need to end it,

Because the pain was too much to bear.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd tell the one I gave my heart,

Of how he shouldn't pine and weep for me,

And make a brand new start.

But this is just more factual,

To say he'd get over me real fast.

That those words were empty promises,

That were never meant to last.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd say all those final things I'd need to say-

Like, Remember me with smiles,

And remember those happier days.

But this is my own reality,

And they only seem to forget my love,

That for everyone, I only gave my all,

But I was so easy to be disposed of.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd remind everyone I love them true.

That this was just my only way out-

To be free from hurt, I did, what I had to do.

But this is just a fantasy note,

Because I'd rather leave it all unsaid.

For they don't care, or love me, while alive,

So why would they, were I dead?

 

 

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This Sorrow

                                       This Sorrow...

 
Loneliness is a Heart-less BITCH
 
This Sorrow...
 
I don't know where it comes from
But, seemingly out of nowhere
It comes out and hits me like a tornado
 
I feel the Earth itself wailing for Mankind
The homeless, the mentally ill
The in-firmed, those who struggle
Who do their best, but find it isn't 
       Good enough.....again
 
I feel the pains I see in the eyes
Of the Abused and Mistreated 
I ache for a certain special woman
And a Love that will never be....
 
I feel my own pain, inadequacies and
Mistakes made that can never be rectified 
Yet eat away at my soul, my very being
And like a Coward, I want it to go away
     And I have to find a way to live
        With the things I've done
              Or I am UNdone
 
 
         These nights are so unkind
        The Enemy reinforcements
     Attack when I'm most vulnerable 
    Feeling is so taxing, so wearying 
 
But, for some purpose, it isn't going anywhere 
                  Irony's practical joke 
   Well, I guess my life can be reduced down
            To one single word.....Joke
                      That's me.....
 
     I'm so lonely & pathetic right now
        I wish that someone besides 
              My Beautiful Mischa 
                 Cared Enough, and 
        Wanted, and Needed me, Enough
               To actually want me 
       To stick around for one more day

            And then maybe another, 
           And then maybe another.....

            One who would instinctively 
             Hold me, (as I would for her)
           When the demons came to
             Kick my ass & brutalize me
           Into some type of submission 
 
      So This Sorrow just goes on, and on
                  With no relief in sight
                   What's a man to do?
 
      Not even Mischa wants to be 'round me
      I'd been wanting for some time to feel
      Something, anything, and now I am
           Be very careful what you wish for...
 
                 

Caught Up In The Neurosis

Stay out of my way
On another day
You'd be not given a thought
But I'm caught up in the neurosis
And a boast combined with a pound
Upon a chest would be absolutely phony
So I'm wasting energy
Whose rewards are minuscule
On irrelevancy that I have no control of
What a damn disgrace.

But I'll never understand
Why it matters for some to comment
Gossip on my life, existence, etc
If I were someone important
Jesus Christ reincarnated
Than the examination would
Be relevant to the territory
But I'm just trying to get by
With the weight of the world
On these shoulders
Desperate to stay warm
While the cold, bitter arctic forces
Of diabolical foes try to eliminate me permanently
But the truth is the interrogation
Is far more deadly, sinister, damaging
That they can ever administer
And I'm trying but failing
Not to unload this heavy burden
Onto those I love unconditionally
They have enough on their plate
Yet to be intimate is to reveal the good
Bad and ugly for commitment
Is too easy when pink clouds abound
But are you gonna be around
When the bubble inevitably bursts?

The hurt deep and burrowing
I can't heal on my own
But if being real is rawness
To the nth degree
Taking no prisoners
And not relying on artificial illusions
To get through the night
Then I'll continue to struggle
Fight and survive
It's better than being a doped up idiot
But this loneliness is surely deafening.

P-2/5/15.

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Creeper

Creeper
 
Paranoia creeping up
The silent killer
What's around the bend?
Are they searching for an assassin?
The ultimate expose!
Exposing secrets that you
Thought were hidden forever
Perhaps you're not so clever after all
We're all fallible, vulnerable
Sensitive to the light
Fascinated by the darkness
But this is no way to live
Peering out of curtains
The bent window shades
Gave so much, so you thought
Just peace of mind
A tiny piece of the pie
Deserving of it so
Not feeling entitled
But so many want to take it away
Or is that a delusion?
A fallacy of an overactive mind
That seemingly nothing can slow down?
A lie if you ask me
But its gonna take something greater than man
For you to finally feel at home
With feet firmly on Terra firrma
Cause if you break it down
Narcissism pure and simple
Mental illness all the way.
 
Once there was a fire raging
But now its smoldering
God, it's so cold in this house
In this heart, body and soul
There's gotta be a way out of here
Without busting down the door
Just forever to tiptoe
Through the eternal minefield
That never explodes.
 
P-1/22/15
 

Grandma

Folder: 
Just For Fun

 

........................................................


The honeysuckle branches
Hang low,
Heavy with fruit,
Heavy with the scent
Of sweet sweat
And sugared sand.
And as Grandma chases
Her shadow
Through the
Bachelor buttons,
I watch -
The flowers dance
For her,
And Grandma
Whispers something only
They can understand,
And August washes each
Flower in her warm,
Quiet wind.

 

Papa can see her too,
Her and her shadow
In her little garden -
Can almost hear her
Spirited laugh as she
Breathes 'Good Morning'
To the Black-Eyed Susan's
And the Four O'Clocks.
And the new blossoms
Dance to the music
Of her words,
Somehow lost
In their
Beauty...

 

And Papa smiles some,
Wipes at that disobedient tear,
Still missing her.

 

Copyright © MMXIV Richard D. Remler

............................................................................

............................................................................

Author's Notes/Comments: 

..................................................
"Grandma always made you feel
she had been waiting to see just
you all day and now the day was
complete."
~Marcy DeMaree
................................

A Single Ray of Sunlight

Walking in darkness,

sometimes we forget

that light exists.

 


We fixate on what hurts us

deriving identity

from our pain.


We look away

from the hands

that could rescue us.


Aching

Longing

Filled with regret

Alone

Lost


Our vision blurred

our perspective limited

our views tainted


Conflict.

Contention.

Crisis.

Our constant companions.


Forgetting how to feel,

how to love.

Forgetting who we are,

letting shame define us.


Fire

Anger

Hatred

Self-loathing

Threaten to consume us

Unquenchable

Unfixable

Unrelenting


Everything we believe about ourselves

and the world

and the people around us

is a lie,

Warped by our own twisted thoughts


This is OUR world

But it is not THE world


Change is possible.

For you, for me, for all who see

through darkened eyes.


It comes in small moments of clarity,

like a single ray of sunlight

slicing through the clouds


The road to peace

can be a long one,

but the journey begins

with hope.

Aidenn Nevermore

Folder: 
Melancholia

.......................................................

 

Be forewarned,
Take heed, be wise.
Be sure you've said
Your last goodbyes.
Before you venture
Out of doors
Along those haunted,
Craggy moors.

 

If you feel a something
In the rain,
Or hear the wind
Whisper your name,
Hold fast, be still,
And wait the Bell.
Pray morning finds you
Safe and well.

 

For it leaves no footfalls
On this earth.
No cloven hoves,
Nor raptor claws.
It is not bound
By what you think,
Your religions,
Or your silly laws.

 

It is not drawn
By your petty cries.
Nor by the warm scent
Of your skin.
And it cares not
Who lives,
Or dies,
Your innocence,
Or sin.

 

Be cautious
As a shaman's shoe.
Watch every thing
That watches you.
Be wise. Be ware
As you roam.
And pray the day
Guides you
Back home.

 

If it watches from some
Sheltered lair,
Pray it does not
Find you there,
And hope it does
Not hear your cry,
As foolishly
You tip-toe by.

 

Remember Aidenn nevermore,
Her walls of shelter
And her grace-
They are trapped beyond some
Distant shore,
Above this dark
Unhappy place.

 

Here, the heather
Reaches high,
Yet leaves no echo
In the sky,
To tease our cold and
Sullen breeze
And tap such
Shadowed mysteries.

 

So, be forewarned,
And do take heed.
Be wiser than
The wisest need.
Before this eve's
Unanswered prayers,
Don't let it catch you
Unawares.

 

Copyright © MMXI Richard D. Remler

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

..........................................................................
"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too.

They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."
~ Stephen King
.........................................................................

Unbelievably Unbelievable

"Unbelievably unbelievable" were the words whispered in my head,

Interpersonal voice narrating the fate left in my stead.

Pondering happiness and virtue, my confidence is nill;

I used to wish upon a star but now I wish to feel.

I repeat these words in my head every single day,

I revisit my past experience and wish that I could stay.

I waste my time in this pain of mine, daily i wish for day to end.

All this time in this life of mine wasted so I may comprehend.

The day to day imbalance, life traded for time once lived;

Memorial injustice in memories I won't forgive.

Why must we live behind our eyes in prisons with no retreat?

Why must we lay awake all night attempting to find our peace?

Why can I not be happy, who am I to reinvent my calm?

I believe that it is possible yet life is proving me forever wrong.

 

Guilt, forever always meaning only in the end,

Do we ever find ourself with the ability to transcend.

Only on that last day are we together with our flaws.

Only in that last day will we find the windows to our walls.

Only with that last breathe will we know with which we lived,

And only with that last thought will we be ready to forgive.

 

 

 

 

 

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