sadness

Prophetic Nightmare

This anger inside has rattled my cage

I hide it in a bottle labled rage

I;m sick of its tormenting lies

As it pokes and prys

And searches for a release

It begs pretty please

I keep telling it no, but it gets harder with time

I grab a bottle of tequilla and fuck the lime

I drown my sarrows and shatter my memories

With this broken bottle I sever my arteries

Laying there feeling guilty, I let my soul leave

I sigh and mutter, I just wanted one to believe

My blood's thickening, please just cauterize

'Cause in my final thoughts I finally realize

I take a breath and start to fight

Don't give up, I can see the light

My wife and kids are there crying

Please stop, I'm not dying

Then I hear them praying a prayer

As I look down at my cold dead stare

Laying in my coffin, I know it's too late

But, then I wake up sweating, It's not my fate

I roll over to kiss my wife

She's not there, is this still my life?

Courage : A Diary Entry

[If titles this long didn’t look stupid, I would title this… 

"I want to blame you for not loving me,

And that statement goes to every woman in my life who never believed in me."

Or

"I believed in you, when they told me don’t."]

 

Its been four whole days,

And you're still all that I think about,

Its overwhelming, the thought of you saying those things you typed out your mouth,

Im crying now,

I need a get away, calling haso, like baby get me out of town,

But I blew through thousands in my credit card account,

Fell back deep in an addiction many don’t know about,

And if they do, they squint their eyes in doubt,

They say, not you,

Not you,

Its not you…

 

Im salivating, how long are you gonna keep me waiting,

I told you I needed you, and you said not now, maybe later,

When we both know in your mind you're being creative,

Trying to force your feelings for me away,

But whenever you close your eyes you see my face,

Moaning for him, picturing me, but you are still confused of where you need to be...

 

Don’t you dare wish me well,

When your best wishes come from the same ditch where your daughter lays,

Don’t wish me well, my key is still under the mat for when you decide to stay,

Tug me softly, tell me this is the only way,

The only way, so don’t lose faith in me,

I cant let go, cant let go…

 

Paint my face white until the pink in my lips turn bright red and my smile upside down…

Tell them niggas, im alone, no one is around,

Tell them niggas, my spirit is in my knees, close to the ground,

Tell them niggas, before I get ate alive,

Tell them niggas, I want a chance at life…

 

Things are starting to overlap,

And im having dreams about deaths and bringing these folkz back to life,

The devil inside, haunting in life,

Grabbing my old bowl, packing tight,

My heart pumping blood, ready for flight,

My soul is inside out,

And ive lost control,

The woman I once loved sold her soul,

What about me turns all the women around me cold,

Is it a reflection of the ice in my bones,

The snow between my toes,

The shivers I get at home, when it aint even cold…

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Dark Blue Hours (day 62)

There’s a river I mold with my hands. It’s made of a second or two, it’s made of dark blue hours, a thought I think I might not have had if I think hard enough, honestly if it was ever in my head I think it could have been a dream of you gone missing.

 

I chase down things I want to say to you but they can’t make sound, they chatter and don’t crystallize, they flee like wild things, they’ll never come out right, I’ll pull back and forth on this syllable instead and take it apart and put it together and take it apart and put it together and take it apart and

 

There’s a distinct possibility that your meaning, what I think you mean, is meaningless. I mean, I don’t think you tried very hard but that’s exactly it, you didn’t try very hard to try. But God. I want you to. Wanted. Past tense. I wanted you to.

 

Silently she cries, I hold her blood in my hands, I try to use it to rinse out my own hollow bones that have been smashed so many times into the dirt but I keep failing just like I do when we talk, like I’ll fail if I ever try to hold you.

 

Just because she cries doesn’t mean I’m in some wind tunnel laughing, dress feathers blowing up behind me, knowing my wishes are just what I’m living and what I said is exactly what I meant and I meant to say everything I said. I have too many thoughts I don’t say and too many words I don’t think. Just because she cries doesn’t mean I don’t, there’s more than enough dark blue hours in this world to go around.

 

I could run until I button up a skin of steel and shapeshift to a seagull and be so so so free, I could run until I can see the sky and I can’t see anything, I could run until I’m out of footsteps and ramblings, I could run until the waves crash against my ankles but you dug too deep under my skin and I’d rather not open up those sores again with salt.

 

There’s a distinct possibility that when she cries I somehow break too.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 10/1/16

Silently she cries

In other news I've been trying new styles lately...because why not.

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tags:

Without You

The days that were before,

O, how have they been lost!

Another tear, the tear,

it will soothe in my love-tossed soul

 

Decidedly, I chose to not forget,

as if there ever was a chance

at this repair, so hopeful I let

the seen things go, until

 

But it is clear, oh very clear

that this soul you don't deserve

that this hopefullness doesn't strike

that it is I you don't care to like

 

for that, I set myself free

from your shackles,

from your tax

upon which you feed,

is there still a chance at this repair?

I stop pondering it,

for my life is to live now,

without this nightmare it's become

without the deceit to overcome

without all the tears you bring into it

Without You

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Were This A Suicide Note From Me

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd tell you all one final goodbye,

With phony words you won't read,

Saying, For me, please don't cry.

But this is just my simple truth,

So I know no one really even will,

Shed one honest, heartfelt tear,

If my own life...were I to kill.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd ask forgiveness for what I've done.

I'd especially be sorry to,

My daughter...and my sons.

But this is my real existance,

So in fact, no one would care,

That I'd felt the need to end it,

Because the pain was too much to bear.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd tell the one I gave my heart,

Of how he shouldn't pine and weep for me,

And make a brand new start.

But this is just more factual,

To say he'd get over me real fast.

That those words were empty promises,

That were never meant to last.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd say all those final things I'd need to say-

Like, Remember me with smiles,

And remember those happier days.

But this is my own reality,

And they only seem to forget my love,

That for everyone, I only gave my all,

But I was so easy to be disposed of.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd remind everyone I love them true.

That this was just my only way out-

To be free from hurt, I did, what I had to do.

But this is just a fantasy note,

Because I'd rather leave it all unsaid.

For they don't care, or love me, while alive,

So why would they, were I dead?

 

 

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This Sorrow

                                       This Sorrow...

 
Loneliness is a Heart-less BITCH
 
This Sorrow...
 
I don't know where it comes from
But, seemingly out of nowhere
It comes out and hits me like a tornado
 
I feel the Earth itself wailing for Mankind
The homeless, the mentally ill
The in-firmed, those who struggle
Who do their best, but find it isn't 
       Good enough.....again
 
I feel the pains I see in the eyes
Of the Abused and Mistreated 
I ache for a certain special woman
And a Love that will never be....
 
I feel my own pain, inadequacies and
Mistakes made that can never be rectified 
Yet eat away at my soul, my very being
And like a Coward, I want it to go away
     And I have to find a way to live
        With the things I've done
              Or I am UNdone
 
 
         These nights are so unkind
        The Enemy reinforcements
     Attack when I'm most vulnerable 
    Feeling is so taxing, so wearying 
 
But, for some purpose, it isn't going anywhere 
                  Irony's practical joke 
   Well, I guess my life can be reduced down
            To one single word.....Joke
                      That's me.....
 
     I'm so lonely & pathetic right now
        I wish that someone besides 
              My Beautiful Mischa 
                 Cared Enough, and 
        Wanted, and Needed me, Enough
               To actually want me 
       To stick around for one more day

            And then maybe another, 
           And then maybe another.....

            One who would instinctively 
             Hold me, (as I would for her)
           When the demons came to
             Kick my ass & brutalize me
           Into some type of submission 
 
      So This Sorrow just goes on, and on
                  With no relief in sight
                   What's a man to do?
 
      Not even Mischa wants to be 'round me
      I'd been wanting for some time to feel
      Something, anything, and now I am
           Be very careful what you wish for...
 
                 

Caught Up In The Neurosis

Stay out of my way
On another day
You'd be not given a thought
But I'm caught up in the neurosis
And a boast combined with a pound
Upon a chest would be absolutely phony
So I'm wasting energy
Whose rewards are minuscule
On irrelevancy that I have no control of
What a damn disgrace.

But I'll never understand
Why it matters for some to comment
Gossip on my life, existence, etc
If I were someone important
Jesus Christ reincarnated
Than the examination would
Be relevant to the territory
But I'm just trying to get by
With the weight of the world
On these shoulders
Desperate to stay warm
While the cold, bitter arctic forces
Of diabolical foes try to eliminate me permanently
But the truth is the interrogation
Is far more deadly, sinister, damaging
That they can ever administer
And I'm trying but failing
Not to unload this heavy burden
Onto those I love unconditionally
They have enough on their plate
Yet to be intimate is to reveal the good
Bad and ugly for commitment
Is too easy when pink clouds abound
But are you gonna be around
When the bubble inevitably bursts?

The hurt deep and burrowing
I can't heal on my own
But if being real is rawness
To the nth degree
Taking no prisoners
And not relying on artificial illusions
To get through the night
Then I'll continue to struggle
Fight and survive
It's better than being a doped up idiot
But this loneliness is surely deafening.

P-2/5/15.

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Creeper

Creeper
 
Paranoia creeping up
The silent killer
What's around the bend?
Are they searching for an assassin?
The ultimate expose!
Exposing secrets that you
Thought were hidden forever
Perhaps you're not so clever after all
We're all fallible, vulnerable
Sensitive to the light
Fascinated by the darkness
But this is no way to live
Peering out of curtains
The bent window shades
Gave so much, so you thought
Just peace of mind
A tiny piece of the pie
Deserving of it so
Not feeling entitled
But so many want to take it away
Or is that a delusion?
A fallacy of an overactive mind
That seemingly nothing can slow down?
A lie if you ask me
But its gonna take something greater than man
For you to finally feel at home
With feet firmly on Terra firrma
Cause if you break it down
Narcissism pure and simple
Mental illness all the way.
 
Once there was a fire raging
But now its smoldering
God, it's so cold in this house
In this heart, body and soul
There's gotta be a way out of here
Without busting down the door
Just forever to tiptoe
Through the eternal minefield
That never explodes.
 
P-1/22/15
 

Grandma

Folder: 
Just For Fun

 

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The honeysuckle branches
Hang low,
Heavy with fruit,
Heavy with the scent
Of sweet sweat
And sugared sand.
And as Grandma chases
Her shadow
Through the
Bachelor buttons,
I watch -
The flowers dance
For her,
And Grandma
Whispers something only
They can understand,
And August washes each
Flower in her warm,
Quiet wind.

 

Papa can see her too,
Her and her shadow
In her little garden -
Can almost hear her
Spirited laugh as she
Breathes 'Good Morning'
To the Black-Eyed Susan's
And the Four O'Clocks.
And the new blossoms
Dance to the music
Of her words,
Somehow lost
In their
Beauty...

 

And Papa smiles some,
Wipes at that disobedient tear,
Still missing her.

 

Copyright © MMXIV Richard D. Remler

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Author's Notes/Comments: 

..................................................
"Grandma always made you feel
she had been waiting to see just
you all day and now the day was
complete."
~Marcy DeMaree
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