love

Hold This World (day 169)

The world’s worn you down

so I want to be sharp as anything

You ride the tip of every miracle I pray for

 

I’ve told a million of these stories

sometimes it feels like obsession

but I think I’m just deathly afraid

 

Leave me stranded like a car wreck, smash

all the picture frames I’ve balanced on your head

you’ve never been strong enough anyway as

this city’s clocktower weighs like whispers on my shoulders

 

I would place weight on your palms like lightning

and walk out of my skin, show you my thunder

but I know if I did there would be no more unspoken poems in the spot next to you,

you’ve never been strong enough anyway

 

I can be sharp as anything

if you want me to be,

take a turn holding this world

and it might show you a sliver of skyline.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 1/12/17

Clocktower

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Eternal Compersion

Folder: 
FetLife Blogs

Note to self: Be careful about giving your heart to people who like to play casually. When things end they will continue playing casually with everyone but you.
Multi-partnered sex is something I have done pretty regularly since joining the kink community.

I propose that to be considered a "primary sexual partner" both partners must agree the commitment shared is loving, predominantly sexually and both are able to define and distinguish a specific uniqueness for the relationship.

For someone such as I, who enjoys control as much as sharing, as well as for the slut who enjoys multiple partnered experiences, it was common for us to participate in group sexual activities (generally gang bangs) and to participate in play scenes with different partners.

The slut in the partnership will generally be the one experiencing more sexual play, simply because she is not only more desirable, but her sluttiness ensures a never ending parade of partners. Personally, the joy I get in controlling a partner in the sexual arena or in a gang bang, more than makes up for the obvious lack of direct sexual activity of my own.

I used to pride myself as a slut-maker, but sadly, I think I have been more of a slut enabler.

Why do I fetishize control? Because when I have control I feel like the happiest man on the planet. Everyone around us smiles, things get done and birds chirp. Yes, the illusion of bliss is magical.

When I don't have control (especially in a slutty situation) it is the opposite. The joy I used to feel is difficult to maintain. If I don't make a concerted effort to train and divert my thoughts, the situation becomes a host of other negative emotions including failure, embarrassment and insecurity.

I propose the thing to remember about choosing the life of a slut, while also being in a relationship, is to make sure you and your partner(s) are on the same page regarding what activities and attitudes constitute sex and what activities and attitudes constitute love. Then decide together if it is sex or if it is love that you are going to be open with in your relationship. Yes, it quite possibly could be both. If you are doing D/s, I additionally propose determining what activities and attitudes constitute the power exchange of control too.

In the context of a relationship, I believe it is important for all partners to be comfortable with whoever the other partners are fucking and loving. Though, as addressed in my Love is a Car Crash blog, sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with. This is accomplished through communication and almost always through compromise.

Relationships change, evolve and devolve over time. Due to us having no agreement on a clear definition of what constituted a relationship, I chose to make the excruciating decision to end my most recent poly partnerships, despite my love for them continuing.

My personal emotional struggles and deep depression has escalating greatly since I made that decision that came down the night before Thanksgiving.

What makes things feel most like a knife tearing through my heart, is that both former partners of mine appear to have moved on gracefully and found new relationships. Sadly (for me), it appears they could more easily define to their new partners the definition of "relationship" and "commitment" than they could with me.

Perhaps the new relationship energy (NRE) they are sharing with their new partners has made it so the relationship question is moot right now. But hopefully, they have been able to come to an understanding with their new partners.

What I must accept, is that ultimately they didn't want to be in a relationship with DaddyO. Or at least didn't want DaddyO's version of a relationship.

This is why in future relationship endeavors, I will strive to find a partner who I can communicate with my relationship standards. I want both of us to not only be willing, but eager to compromise for the other.

It is gut wrenching when you have loving motives , and attempt to deepen your love for a person by negotiation and trying to come to a consensus regarding the definition of "relationship", only to find the triggers mounting up. Those triggers actually make you became less and less desirable to them with each attempt.

I still love them both, yet due to the severance of that damn invisible thing that I was unable to define, I am now unable to show that love in ways I previously did. With each passing day, as they fade into my memory, I fear I must demonstrate my love through eternal compersion.

"Slut" is a powerful word. But being a "slut" makes you an even more powerful person. You single-handedly have the power to bring intensely enjoyable and sometimes life-changing pleasure to countless people. With that immense power, it is vitally important to be responsible and calculated with not only who you are a slut with, but also why you carry out your sluttiness in the first place.

Hopefully this will help you understand why a Daddy who craves "power" and "control" wants to have a slut for a babygirl!

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Love is a Car Crash

Folder: 
FetLife Blogs

Recently a woman I was interested in getting to know told me she was holding on to a "love" that she knew wasn't right for her. She had simply fallen in love with this person, and had no choice in the matter. Her love for him hit her out of the blue, like a car accident.

At the time of this writing, the beginning of 2013, I am not in any serious relationships. There are several lovers from my past that I still love, but sadly there is no one I am in a relationship with who I can say "I love you" to. It takes two to make a relationship, and when the one(s) you love are not on the same page as you are as to what defines a loving relationship, you are not able to say you are in a loving relationship with anyone.

That got me thinking. I looked back on the people whom I had declared love for in my life and wondered if it was something that simply "just happened" or if I had made the choice to love them. In every instance my declaration of love towards them was smooth, easy going and painless. But it was due to me choosing them. They all either showed traits I desired or sexual chemistry with me and it was a no-brainer decision to start loving them.

Of the women I have loved, a high percentage remain cordial friends. A few have such hurtful vendettas against me for misunderstandings that they have brutally severed the ties of what once were loving bonds. In those instances it is quite easy to no longer admit any affinity towards them.

But what of the shattered romances in which both person's love continues yet neither party is either not able to accept, or fails to prosper from the other's love? Curiously, in every instance of this sort of breakdown, I was told I either didn't love her "correctly" or the way I loved just wasn't a "fit."

I have been suffering from depression lately due to the intense loss felt by my decision to sever ties with quite possibly two of the most wonderful and prominent women in the local scene. Women who I still respect, love and admire dearly. My decision to break up was not based on any wrongdoing on their parts. Both ladies simply have a different attitude about commitment than I do.

I had discovered about myself that I desired something different than what they were able to give me. I want to be someone's priority. This is not a desire of theirs. Or if it is, they didn't want me as the one reciprocating the prioritization. As a Daddy Dom, I desired to be number one.

To their credit, their boundaries and limits were clearly stated towards me from the beginning, and it was only my wishful thinking that led me to believe that that may have changed over time. It didn't. My status as a priority (which was short lived and never official) quickly vanished.

In the case of the one I was living with, she had started out as my secondary (a position she liked) and due to my divorce, was thrust into the primary role without her consent.

In the case of the other, I think she had started seeing me for a specific purpose and when I noticed she wanted other things, I inserted my desire to be those things to her when her desire was to find those things in other people who were more of a fit in that area for her.

So in writing this, my goal was to convey the theory that "love is like a car crash." That it can and often does hit us without us knowing -and- we can choose to examine potential lovers qualities and chemistries and decide to run our vehicles headlong into their brick walls with intent.

What I am finding is that love is indeed like a car accident and breaking up is more like taking your car in for repairs.

From now on I am going to crash my car more intentionally. But when you are not able to define love, even for yourself, how is one to know your definition of love is the same as the one your potential partner has? And to make matters worse, even if you find someone who shares with you the exact same definition of love as you do, who is to say that they will want to share that "love" with you? Perhaps sharing a common definition of what love is, is not crucial to being in love?

What does everyone think?

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Don't Make Me Cry

Folder: 
2016
 

I don’t want a man who makes me cry
I don’t want a man who makes me cry
He can bring me to tears in our wanton romps
He can make me a fountain in our frenzied mounts
But I don’t want a man that makes me cry

I don’t need a man to make me cry
I don’t ever need a man to bring me to tears
He can circle my brain and then in the end
He can find his way soundly out again
I don’t need a man to make me cry

Tears upon tears I shed 
Tears upon tears I expend
Wearisome and woe-some
A nuisance I become
Reaching and seeking
That man
Who wont 
Make me cry

They say no one makes you feel what you feel
Its you that feel what you feel
But expectation
And aspirations
Can crash in the absence 
Of love

I don’t want a man who makes me cry
I  won't find a man who makes me cry
He can bring me to love in the comfort of words
He can make love to me in the comfort of his arms 
But I don’t want a man that makes me cry

 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

I cry at the drop of a...missed call...missed opportunity to get together...anything that seems to say..."I'm not that interested today..." makes me sad.  So where is this guy?

#love   #cry 
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Love's Relativity

Folder: 
FetLife Blogs

Relativity
(E=mc² for those who have brains with a capacity greater than mine)

The concept of love, since it is undefinable and different for every person, I propose, may or may not have a finite capacity. But time (at least from our perception) does. And because of that, love is all relative--and I am not talking incest!

In theory (like so many theories), expanding love to several people without it lessening, seems to make sense, but in practice it can be another story completely.

It seems to me to be the most difficult pitfall to polyamorous relations.

I will admit, when I get jealous or feel possessive, it is generally not because my lover(s) is/are doing things with other people in so much as that my lover(s) is/are taking the time to do things with other people at a time they could be doing things with me!

So divvying up time between lovers can be a make or break ordeal.

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And so I learned sunsets can't fix everything (day 166)

Cool metal on my fingers

but through my eyes this door handle is the swords of an army

and as I enter my blood goes from icy winter to a perfect clean cold,

my boots thunder or tiptoe on the pristine tile.

 

This is a hospital.

I have to keep reminding myself

this is a hospital,

and I don’t want to believe this is where you live

but it is where you exist.

 

I want so badly to go in

to keep walking

God knows you’ve faced this better than I ever will

but I am choking on your absence

and I don’t know if we will ever stop carrying this weight

if we will ever be the same once you’re home.

 

And no, nothing broke your bones

but that would make it easier to sleep at night

knowing without question you are healing.

 

And no, no one took a blade to your throat but

you might as well have

I can’t speak,

I want to write you a letter

but I don’t write in prose

and if I try I know all it will say is

this is just a broken link in your chain

zoom out and you’re the silver necklace someone has always wanted to wear

you are blind but we all have to watch as

you try to burn yourself down.

 

You have always been the perfect elixir when every piece of me is exhausted

but here

you are washing me out

like the walls

like the floor

what do they think, you’ll drag colors down your arm like a blade?

 

And just because the sunset is perfectly orange on the way home

does not mean my head is less tangled or

my heart has stopped boiling into steam-

I could tuck myself into a corner and not know the difference

because when you’re here you fill up the air all the way to the ceiling,

all I know is that you are only a seventh of the beating hearts in this house

but now that you’re gone I can hear the shadow of its sharp stab to your chest

like the silence could kill me.

 

People break so easily.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 1/9/17

Broken links

This has been a struggle lately.

Shelter

Verse 1:
For the first time,

Since I've last saw you,
I can feel again.
Melt my soul and spirit.

 

Chorus:
I'll be your everything

And I'll be so much more.

As long as we're together,

We'll never falter.

 

Verse 2:
Bring me to life.

Wake me up inside.

It's as if

You've cardioverted me.

 

Bridge:
My dead heart:
Our love has

Turned electric

In the air tonight.

 

Last Chorus:
Never Falter with the wind.

We're each other's shelter

From the storm.

We'll wait it out

Once the storms have passed. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

one of many songs I wrote back in 2014. It's about finding love unexpectedly and never feeling this way about anyone before.

Your's To Keep Part 1

Verse 1:
Anywhere, wherever you will go,
I'm never far behind.

'Cause I'll run home

To find you.

Chorus:

But, here am, I now,

Admiring the view.

I hope you think of me.

Neve ever, cut me loose.

 

Verse 2:
But I'm scared of

Mixing up the truth

When the best I've got

Is a falling domino.

 

Bridge:

A little push caused

A chain reaction.
I never thought that

You'd be my distraction.

 

Last-Chorus:
'Cause you're my poison, babe.

Things shouldn't have ended

The way they did.

If only you had believed in us.

 

Verse 3:
 If only you'd believe in our love.

I cannot bear to walk 

Further away from this love.

Our shelter from the rain
Were the leaves on a tree

We sought refuge in.

Come on, babe,

Make a move.

Take a chance on us.

'Cause tonight, I'm

Eternally your's to keep. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

One of the 50+ songs I wrote back in 2014. Enjoy? It's obviously a "love" song.

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Laughing Ghosts (day 164)

“You thought you knew thunder,”

these ghosts laugh in my face.

 

“We’ll show you how much you thought you knew.

 

We’ll show you the burning ache in your throat

when you spend too many quiet nights in a lonely house.

 

We’ll show you all the girls with

easier smiles

braver wits

lighter baggage than you.

 

We’ll show you all the people

you didn’t look in the eye

when they would hand you an open book.

 

We’ll show you how choking can kill

when you swallow the next few days

trying to grasp everything she never told you

with no one to hold on to.

 

We’ll show you

flashbacks

flashbacks

flashbacks

every time you see a hint of his face.

 

We’ll show you

long cold nights

where you can have everything you need

and still somehow fall asleep with a hole in your chest.

 

We’ll show you the crime scene made entirely of you,

every sin you have tasted as it fell from your throat or flowed from your hands,

the backs of everyone you thought you knew

as they sprint to escape your self-destruction.

 

Every time you thought you couldn’t be angrier,

you could twist a blade

deeper in his chest than your name ever made it

and turn your back without a second thought,

we’ll hand you the knife.

 

We’ll show you a clap

that shakes your soul

so you think it’s the end.”

 

“You thought you knew thunder,”

laughing ghosts with lunatic eyes

shriek from beneath my bedside table.

“Well, we’ll show you a hurricane.”

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 1/7/17

Lunatic eyes

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