Love can neither be defined nor put into a box.
You can not carry it in your hands, you carry it in your heart
and in your eyes, when you gaze upon your child's face,
and when he cries, you soothe his tears with your embrace.
Love will grow and multiply when sown in fertile soil,
Love can make a grown man cry, love can make him toil.
He'll work his fingers to the bone, his body into the ground,
for the love of family where his true joy can be found.
Tallulah Eightwhistles © 2016
I was addicted. There was no denying it. No matter how hard I fought or how many times I said no, I was drawn to the taboo like our demons knew each other. My every waking moment was filled with thoughts of him and why things should, would, and could never be; while my dreams were haunted by his words, "I've kinda fallen for you," and my body betrayed me with every thrust of his hips, like a knife in my back.
I was committed. I'd fallen in the past and picked myself back up. Pieced together the shards of my broken life, like a mosaic of magazine clippings and Elmer's glue into a semblance of normalcy. I had a family. I had responsibilities. But I had a problem. A big problem. And that mosaic.. lately.. resembled a ransom letter. Someone had stolen my mind and wasn't willing to return it.
I was troubled. On one shoulder sat that plump, angelic cherub. Stability and love. On the other was that lean, sexy demon. Chaos and lust. My heart and mind were torn, exhausted from the constant back and forwards, yes and no, awake and asleep. While awake, my heart KNEW what it wanted, but while sleeping my mind TOOK what it wanted. And oh did it take!.. every inch over and over until I awoke still in the throes of ecstacy, abit ashamed that my sleep lover was not the man who slept beside me.
I was confused. In the past I'd flirted, hunted even, purposely for a fling. Had jumped in, knowing they would burn fast and hot, then fizzle out like a lava flow hitting the ocean. But not this time. I didn't flirt. I didn't seduce. I just listened. Listened to his issues about relationships, his addictions, his worries. I answered questions he had, I gave advice how to pursue, catch and be with other women. I was his friend, his confidante. I never looked at him in any other way. Until that night when he IM'd "I've kinda fallen for you."
I was terrified. The second he sent those words, my entire world flipped ass-side up. Everything I knew was different. Photos of him suddenly turned me on. Things we'd discussed in the past made me wonder with curiosity. His absence made me worry.
I was paranoid. Was it a ploy to see if I'd revert to my past ways? Was he in contact with my boyfriend? Was he just looking for a thrill? Was he just drunk or high? Or even scarier.. was he genuine?
I was thorough. I let him know in every way I could think of, that I wasn't interested. I was taken. I was reformed. I'd learned from my past mistakes. He was too young for me. I didn't look at him that way. I wasn't good enough for him. He could do better. I even went on and exagerrated about how awful I was, in hopes that he would say "Ha! I was just fucking with ya!" and things would return to normal. But he responded with "You're a gorgeous, smart, funny, caring, all around amazing woman."
I was panicked. I even dropped the line "I can be like your older sis" in there somewhere. Pathetic much? I began questioning everything. Was I happy with my current relationship? What if I tried this out and it didn't work? How would THIS even work anyways? My mind was frantic, then he fell silent. I wondered if he'd fallen asleep or passed out drunk. Did I convince him and he went away?
I was curious. Why now? Why me? What was he thinking now? Did I lead him on somehow, unintentionally? When did he know? Back to 'Why me?' Where was he? Why was he silent now? In his absence my curiosities ran deeper. What would his hands would feel like on my skin? Were they rough or soft? Would his kisses be deep and demanding? Would he make love or fuck me wildly? Then back to 'Why me?' And finally the big one.. why was I wondering any of this?
I was thrilled. I felt alive. I had been shown attention, affection, adoration. It felt foreign. I had convinced myself that I didn't need that stuff. My boyfriend feels that, thinks that. He just doesn't tell me. Doesn't have to. It's just what I should know, right? After-all.. he's still with me. But WOW! Hearing it felt amazing! Amazingly wrong and amazingly right at the same time, like.. like a Krispy Kreme Cheeseburger! Sweet and cheesy and hot!
I was delusional. The next few days were a haze. He was still silent, no other messages came. Mistakes were made at work. Conversations became barely functional at home. Lots of "Oh" "Ah" "Hmm" "Ok" answers to try to hide my inattentiveness. I was lost in my own mind. Thoughts of wild sex and passion flooded my consciousness, only to continue and deepen in my sleep. Before I knew it, I was dreaming of weddings and babies, BOTH of which I've vowed never to happen again. Thoughts of a life together, jobs, cars, even imaginary neighbors. What the fuck was wrong with me? Was this a mental issue? Should I see a doctor? Should I disappear and never talk to him again?
I was done. It was fun to imagine, play pretend. But in reality.. I'm past all that. Wild sex? Me? Seriously.. I'm not a spring chicken anymore. I'll still think back on this at times. Laugh at how my mind took a phrase and flew with it. Maybe even cherish the selfie orgasms it provided. Take 'em when you can right? But it was just fantasy, an older woman nearly sucked in by a young stud. And who can blame her, 'Cougars' are all the rage, right?
Near the sea,
I long to see,
You, my Aphrodite,
The epitome of beauty!
Near the see,
I will kiss you in glee,
You will blush as a rose,
Having me much close!
I will hug you as if the last time,
Ever remain a friend, lifetime!
After my time has finished
And I am going home
I will wait for you
That we may be presented together
Through the silent passage
A step into Elysium
A skip past Nirvana
Through the doors of Valhalla
Pass through the havens grey
And unto the West
There you'll find me
On a white bench near a golden shore
Staring out into the world
Watching as time unravels
Unwinds before my eyes
A moment as a lifetime on earth
Limitless waves lap at my feet
And not a care to be found
Just beginning to understand
Two small words:
Beneath the world's grey band
As the silent stars go by
And the wind blows in my hand
Like shooting stars
The sky is scarlet
But swirls like a whirpool
It's various shades follow each other
Gently eddy into the vortex
Heavenly voices sing around me
Witnesses to a new age
The keys are now used
Gateways to the future
The horns sound together
As the past and future king
Comes unto His own
Wrapped in pure, silken white
But appears black
Compared to the light before me
A face as bright as the sun
And then I awake
And then I wait
I cannot think but of rain
And water slowly falls
Tears of the world
Or necessary drops
To replenish life
Yes, pain begets hope
Just as rain begets crop
Just as death begets life
Just as life begets death
The thunder rolls
And too the light
Great sound from great power
Testament to the past
Witness to god-like potency
They say that past sins cast long shadows
Like thunder from the lightning
First we see; long after we hear
And yet too I wish to be like lightning
Although my life be short
I wish to be heard long after
For we never truly die
Until we are forgotten
I never thought I would find myself here,
Balanced between eternity and the present; realizing that there is no difference in between them.
Death sits below me as I consider falling into its arms. At least death will embrace me.
At least death can look past my mask.
And so I jump.
Thousands of feet and years rush toward my limp body and then, cold and stillness; nothing more.
Or so I believed.
But I was wrong.
Past the point of no return
Is the point where soul will burn.
The heart no longer has a will
The blood, the mind, they beat, then still.
Death is the point of no return
And they who pass; for life they yearn.
Those of us who battles still wage
Should continue to fight through life's next page
For if we give in, I think you'll find
We're already dead, at least in mind.
Everyone needs an angel in their life....
Otherwise it's hard to live
And without an angel in our life
Everything seems relative
Love is the greatest gift
Love is also a treasure
And when it's given from the heart
It cannot then be measured.