I often think back to when I was thirteen and all I knew was you and I,
We were the best of friends, we'd often lose track of time,
Before we knew it we hit fifteen,
And something happened, to you, and to me,
We never needed anyone but each other,
But you wanted more than anything to be popular,
And I watched you slip away from me,
Soon I was too invisible for you to see,
For two years something destroyed me, and you,
Changed us into something completely new,
You lost a lot of weight, you got in trouble with the police,
I became addicted to pills, and I began smoking weed,
You snuck out with boys, into darkness you were hurled,
I became a dark person, I found out I was attracted to girls,
Though we never spoke, never looked at one another,
On this day a two years ago, we did the same as eachother,
Both of us, suffocated in hate, attempted suicide,
And we both awoke in a similar place,
In a room with eachother, we thought it was fate,
At this facility, we became closer than we ever were,
We apologized to one another, expressed our hurt,
And when we left that place, we left hand in hand,
We had a bright outlook on life now, we had a wonderful plan,
I remember that day, just two years ago,
I walked in on him with his hands around your throat,
Your eyes screamed in fear, while your lungs gasped for air,
I watched silently you struggled against him, pulled on his hair,
That night you called me, and I confronted you on what he'd done,
You told me it was alright, because he did it out of love,
An hour later I broke into your house, I knew you were alone,
I didn't ask, didn't bother calling your phone,
I had a sick feeling, I knew something was off,
When I finally got to your room,I gave a soft knock,
I heard metal on metal, and I shove the door open wide,
And I almost fainted at the sight,
The gun in your hand, tears streaming down your face,
You told me you didn't want to be here anymore, you wanted away from this place,
I took a step towards you, and as I did you pulled the trigger.
My mind went blank, and as I finally came to,
I stared at the lifeless body, that was now you,
Blood painted the ground, and the wall behind,
I stared at your successful, suicide,
It was silent for so long, I thought it was a dream,
I covered my ears, and I heard a deafening scream,
Seaching around the room, but nothing, I could see,
Until I finally realized that the one screaming, was me,
Your crimson blood covered my hands, and face,
I yelled for you to come back, not to leave me in this place,
But you were gone, and I am alone,
Now not many of my emotions are often shown,
After that night something in me changed for the worse,
A darkness suffocates me now, this hate is my curse,
I knew what he was doing to you, and yet I did nothing,
I wanted so many times, to help you, to do something,
But you made me promise, and so I never did,
And now that is something I must forever live with,
I am eighteen now, and you would be too,
If I could tell you anything, I'd tell youhow much, I miss you.
How sorry I am, this guilt eats at my soul,
I loved you, more than you could ever know.
.....I often think back to when I was thirteen and all I knew was you and I,
We were the best of friends, we'd often lose track of time.....
.....Now I feel almost nothing but hate inside,
After I witnessed.....
Sadness fills my heart,
Deeper into thoughts,
People are born,
People are married,
People are celebrating,
But I get more jealous.
Sadness clouds my mind,
Crying is on the horizon,
Depression falls deeper,
Into the hands of one.
I become more confused.
Birds sore through the sky,
Animals walk the earth,
Fish swim in waters,
They not worry about life,
But worry about survival.
I worry about Love,
But each time I get hurt,
I feel loneliness all around,
I feel depression,
I feel lost,
I feel confused,
I feel deep think,
I feel how I feel.
I know there is Hope,
Family & friends,
But I ignore these in find of shelter.
I can find help,
But I am afraid of the outcome,
I am afraid of the help,
I am afraid of it all.
I am afraid of myself,
Scared of me,
Scared of I,
Scared of my destiny,
Scared of what will be,
Scared of the end,
And scared of the beginning.
there was a girl
So many voices, to hear: cross, angry loud voices;
Conspirital mutterings, mumbling and mirth;
the fear and confusion these voices stirred in me.
These voices becoming so loud; and amplified in volume
And increased in number.
I thought I was in an amplifier; and froze with fright
And excited expectation too.
No divine guidance or help; quite the opposite in fact:
Squeezed out of body and eased out of mind.
Lost in the voices, desolation and isolation:
Lost in their terrible amplification.
Lost for words of my own.
people become highly indignant,
even declare war upon nations,
to murder millions in the name of a god
that is the center of their 'religion',
but answer this: if your 'religion'
is a 'business', then why do you
call it a 'religion'? and if your war
is costing your nation millions
of dollars to take the lives of
millions of people, then who are
you really fighting, your religion,
or your government? and who is
1:26 AM 7/10/2013 ©
There was betrayal in the mist.
Seen clearly with these red hawk eyes.
Non-appreciation was tormenting.
I watched myself lose myself.
Mind gone madd.
As I twisted through the maze.
Played, and played again.
Over and over, like a god damned drum.
Beaten hard, pounded loud.
And the two of them flaunted.
For he... was out to see me... jealous.
And I was for a time.
But it's over now.
I can see clearly what he'd done to me.
He wanted me to fight.
But I didn't give it to him.
Instead, I turned the other cheek.
And offered... love and compassion.
Because ultimately... that's what I feel.
nowadays all she does is whine about her bodily pains,
but when you were left alone,
she stayed drunk, prowling the bars
days on end,
oblivious to the emotional wreckage left
on your chest, like a hot iron
melted through the tender heart of a 10 year old,
the open wound to the
without even leaving any open flesh
for the pain to be released,
seared closed with the shame, pain, and false pride of generations,
sealed in for years like a safety box of magnets,
pulling you towards anything and everything self-destructive
in a desperate search for some morsel of hope,
that the next christmas dinner might be more than
knocking on the doors of neighbors, being lucky enough to be
asked in to share a holiday meal,
and an attempt to be noticed for something other than the burden
you were to her deep and fervent longing for
the escape, into smoke filled rooms,
that reeked with the heavy, putrid smell of week-old frying grease,
cigarettes, and hairspray, that became one of your main
reasons for going to live with your dad--
other than the day she up and left for california,
a 50 dollar bill to substitute her mac and cheese, dribbled with
one and a half inches of ashes off a pall mall,
only to be less than reluctantly welcomed by him,
and a stepbrother who most always was
notably more worthy of better dirtbikes, nicer clothes
and a much more frequent pat on the back
for a job well done,
that most often wasn't.
a dollar for him and quarter for you, along with the bottom bunk,
that smelled like pee from all the years he wet the bed,
only ever good enough for sloppy seconds--
and then there was brownie,
poor broken down swayback, with skin infections,
baldspots and degenertive bone disease,
in light of your brother's black stallion stud,
as if the 6 inch scar on the back of your leg wasn't enough
from your father's drunken rage with a 4 inch hunting knife,
and the glass from the window that left it's souvenir the night he threw you
across the room, all before the age of 14.
i may have shot that horse between the eyes too.
11:37 PM 6/26/2013
If you get lost within these woods,
reach your hand to mine.
I'll help you find the proper path,
so you won't feel so blind.
You'll travel through a house of mirrors,
sometimes you'll get scared.
When this happens, reach to me
and I'll treat your heart with care.
The devils will deceive you,
filling you with fear.
I'll take the rudder in my hands,
this boat, for you I'll steer.
Do not worry, you'll be fine
and I will give my precious time.
For I saw your heart become confused
as these devil's tried to make you lose.
In death I trust, in life I lust,
Sweet sorrow shall hold us close,
To bitter joy we are betroth.
Thy name, thy name I call again.
As thoughtless crows peck thy brain.
Deaf eyes, blind ears, fail to heed,
No words of hope or joy take seed,
On dusty grounds choked by weed and vine,
Fight shall I through gnarled root and thorny twine.
To reach the hidden light inside,
Where devils danced and angels cried.
To cast out shadows, that do dwell,
Personal demons thy must quell.
For future frollicks and joyous jaunts,
Shall be no more, if forevermore marred by haunts.
On feet and elbows I shall crawl,
Pointless endeavours won't break the thrall.
So anger swells this useless mind,
Feeble attempts to pass the time.
Will does falter, drowned by thy dry seas,
To rise again or stay bent and beat on raw knees?
What end you ask for she and I?
I will try, will try,
Will try and die.
For death is my fear, she fails to hold life dear.