Forgotten Son
By jfarrell
(inspired by a Marillion classic)
I got taken into Care when I was 11;
Mum and dad visited once,
Then couldn’t be bothered to visit again;
At 14, I stopped visiting them.
At 19 I visited, what a mistake that was;
24 was the last time I went back;
And, at 49, I will never see my mum again;
I won’t put myself through that rejection, that hurt.
I am the Forgotten Son;
Not prodigal; not lost, mislaid;
A dozen times a day I must think of my mum;
I doubt she’s thought of me once in the last 25 years.
I should be more forgiving;
I should be the better person;
But I prefer to remain the Forgotten Son;
Invisible; never born; nothing but a bad dream.
So quickly come,
And so quickly go.
We leave each other to hurt,
And wonder
If better days are perhaps near,
They’re rock,
Our lives,
Yet we promised,
To take care,
And be taken care of.
Yet here I stand,
With no such rock,
Except for the one,
Which underneath I hide.
A quiet fear of perfection
lingers in your eyes
and makes it hard for me to breathe
If this isn’t
good enough for you
we might as well start over,
take a blow to the bricks,
build from the beginning again
We’re tearing down bridges,
smashing down walls,
burning the evidence,
hanging up again
Then mending the quilt,
holding your hand,
drying up tears,
starting again
I dive off the cliff,
fingers crossed,
hoping the water’s clear
for once
But the instant
I break the surface
you leave a chair overturned
and I spend my life mending
what’s been broken
We’re tearing down bridges,
smashing down walls,
burning the evidence,
walking away again
Then mending the quilt,
holding your hand,
drying up tears,
starting again
Fingertips dancing across warm skin
filled my dreams,
too perfect to preserve,
I should have known
And then I woke up
on one side of the door,
turned the handle,
burned my hands,
found you missing once more
We’re tearing down bridges,
smashing down walls,
burning the evidence,
crying all night again
Then mending the quilt,
holding your hand,
drying up tears,
starting again
And now I know
it’s not up to you
whether we bend
or just break
I’ll let you leave,
watch the water slip
from my fingers, but
still shiver as the door shuts
They said you were perfect
but what’s perfect
to me
is the way you
perfectly
left.
Your passing by has sparked my high.
To lose you now, with no goodbye,
Would justify my thought to die.
I turn around and say hello,
And gaze upon that angel's glow,
To set our course within the know.
The days have passed, yet there we stand.
The hourglass has drained its sand,
And life around us has gone bland.
Obsession starts to show its face.
Still standing at that meeting place,
Your interest now is gone in haste.
The answer was to push away,
Your growing feelings day by day,
And then you'd always want to play.
So now my thoughts of you are pain.
Obsession still without refrain.
Attempts to free you from my brain.
Left here alone still wondering,
Why frequently abandoning,
Is both the love and loss routine.
I'm not who you think I am
I'm not unbreakable
I'm not bulletproof
I still feel pain
Everyone calls me a hero
A savoir
But I think there's only one savoir myself
I've never thought of myself as important
I'm just doing what's right
I get a lot of prestige from that
A lot of things I've never asked for
But I'll give it all away in an instant
If you want me to
I know everyone needs saving sometimes
Even you
I've seen you cry
I've seen your pain
I've seen your darkness
Deep within
I can save you
I can be your hero
To spirit you away
If you just let me
If you trust me
And you can save me
Because you're my hero too
Why do you do this?
What is it for?
Why can’t you see
She’s the one I adore?
But what do you care?
Her life isn’t fair
So easy to take
Her heart and tear
It seems so unreal
And yet I can feel
Her sorrow, her pain
Standing in her rain
Her heart’s tears, falling down
Slowly going to hit the ground
Splash against the hard pavement
And now I wonder what you meant.
You made my day as black as night
My life feels loss of meaning.
You’ve turned dark what once was bright
How can you know what I’m feeling?
Did you know that once you filled my life
Your loss would be unreal?
I could’ve avoided the pain and strife
If you had told me how you feel.
Here comes the rain
I’m crying in pain
Sighing with the wind
Swaying in the trees
Here comes the rain
I’m carrying the pain
I’m falling to my knees-
Here comes the rain.
Why did you say that I am not enough?
Why pierce me to the soul?
Because now, like the winter wind outside
My heart’s become so cold.
Here comes the rain
I’m crying in pain
Sighing with the wind
Swaying in the trees
Here comes the rain
I’m carrying the pain
I’m falling to my knees-
Here comes the rain.
Here comes the rain
I’m crying in pain
Sighing with the wind
Swaying in the trees
Here comes the rain
I’m carrying the pain
I’m falling to my knees-
Here comes the rain.
I take a deep breath.
I cringe.
My chest hurts;
My heart tore me through
The pain,
It's too heavy to shoulder
The steely tip bites my skin
The tears, they burn, they cut
I need to finish this
Now
They don't understand
The piercing throb, ragged pulsing
Don't understand...
How will they feel?
Sorrow,
Shock?
Anger
I grip the handle
My knuckles turn white
I press against the pommel
Shoving
In
EUPHORIA
Oh Bastion, oh mine,
rueful and pink;
cleansed by the way folk
above Den Retreat.
They coddled your larder
and sank you in sod;
made you all rotten
by way of facade.
You smelled of the passing,
you looked badly burned
but I had no reason
to divulge what I'd learned.
You weren't mine for keeping,
you weren't mine at all;
you came from another
who's long seen the road.
Your matted gold hair locks
all caking with clod,
and each cheek so skinny,
so thinning and not.
I fear the dark too,
just as you'd cry.
I couldn't protect us,
I couldn't provide.
Bastion my only,
Bless me, forget
that I once existed
and let loose your hand.
Bastion my darling,
I'm finding my road.
Sleep for a while.
Sleep and you'll dream.