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I possess this thing

It is a part of me even though sometimes I feel like it isn’t…sometimes I feel like it’s nonexistent

It’s round, for the most part at least

It’s not what people envision it to look like…it’s…different



Sometimes it beats, other times it doesn’t..it’s just…there

Almost like it’s…lifeless

I know it’s there but it hurts so badly sometimes that I can’t feel it



Pain



It feels this often…too often in fact that I can feel the scars reforming around it

It’s patched up…all over…it’s in bad shape

It bleeds…not badly anymore but it still has it’s days



It races…faster than the wind when it’s happy

It’s been experiencing this a lot lately actually

This can’t think straight, can’t beat in sync feeling…

It’s new but delightful



What is this thing that I keep describing?

It’s a muscle, a muscle that has told me that I love him…truly deeply love him

But in the end it was nothing

It’s the thing that keeps me alive even when I feel like I’m dying

It keeps me up at night, all the bad times resurface…giving me thought to think upon which I should not

It makes me sad and makes me happy all at the same time, on the same day

It’s warm and loving when it knows it’s loved by those for whom it cares so much for

It’s cold and ruthless when it comes to those who have taken advantage of it countless times

So many times that it overpasses its own beats



I keep my guard up so much that I miss out on good things…they pass right by me

I shut them all out…I’m scared…of what?

I’m scared that it will, this round, red, lump that I own, will shrivel up and be no more

I’m scared that it will stop beating, stop loving, stop caring, stop keeping on…

It’s the one thing I cherish the most

The one that tells me what to do and not to do

It knows me better than I know myself…

It’s not much but it’s all I have and I call it

My heart….