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What can go wrong already has inside my skull

I masterfully orchestrate an illogical collapse logically

I strictly control my process of losing all control

I weave a steel web of apprehension, doubt, and fury

I’m anticipating a fire that has yet to even burn

I’m working on creating new, possessing concerns

Dawn brings upon the torment of hypnotizing, deep thought

I’m nervously awaiting the rapid return of my next downturn 

I can’t recall when my life didn’t feel this wearying way

It’s very difficult for me to not let this lead me astray

Dragging me to where dawn often seems the bleakest

Taking me to where the world will end tomorrow if not today

Concern and anger combined

Concern and anger intertwined 

What if that or what if this?

Too many catastrophes to dismiss

Endless amounts of bodies of the worthless

What if that or what if this?

Stupidity pairs perfectly with bliss

Endless amounts of bodies of the clueless

Rage invites itself in again unannounced 

My compassion was waning; now it's trounced

An appalling reality combined with an ailing brain

It’s impossible to fix and a tall task to stay in the sane

It takes me to where dawn often feels the darkest

Stuck in the muck of afraid is where I’m afraid I’ll remain

This won’t stop chasing me 

It’s catching up, and I’m getting tired

This is built into me

Running from myself, and I can’t be rewired

It’s behind me, within me, and far ahead

Its purpose is to make my life stained with crippling dread

Perpetual hallucinatory calamities meeting a scary reality

It won’t ever stop feeding

It’s slowly devouring me

All that is worthwhile is entirely eclipsed by another anticipated fail

I wear a troubled stare as time sinks since I won’t allow it to set sail

Over and over this pessimistic process I’ve attempted to curtail

It ceases and begins once more hoping for a once and for all prevail

Concern and anger combined

Concern and anger intertwined 

What if this or what if that?

Too many simpletons playing copycat

Endless amounts of bodies of the useless

What if this or what if that? 

Abundant stupidity is their natural habitat

Endless amounts of bodies of the hopeless

Much of me melted by this searing, sweltering ire 

Scalding hate strengthens my end of humanity desire

I know I can never outrun this tireless, cynical worry 

Since youth contaminated with this malicious malady

Dissolving my rationality

Dismembering my functionality 

Too often it takes over me

Disquiet strangles the quiet

Nothing is ever truly comforting

Beautiful memories that never were

Absent while sulking so they cannot occur

Crawling towards spiders from which I should hide

This pernicious pursuer that until I die in me resides

Skilled at making fatal diseases out of little infections

Believing lies drawn on a map of directionless directions

Staring at noxious spiders from which I should hide

These deceitful, shrill voices that appear from inside

These foreboding spiders I let stick to me continue to cause stagnation

I keep walking into this desolated house built on a dilapidated foundation

I feel the bountiful maggots of misgivings as from within I decompose

They feast on my moldered insides as I suffer in the trepidation throes

Caught and wounded by the lingering thorns in my obscuring mind

These are the trying times I leave everything and everyone far behind

Life plays all around me, but instead in my head I’m solitarily confined

Every paltry angle overthought; every speck of daunting dust overanalyzed

These are the wasted hours that I wish I were satisfied with being mentally blind

Expecting that someday a way back from this harming, alarming limbo I won’t find

I walk in this pine forest of permanent dusk and despair

Hours spent looking for a way out, but I go nowhere

Through the trees imminent tragedies are seen everywhere

For these yet to happen horrors I must very quickly prepare

No dispiriting stone is left unturned so I can see what is below

Of any slight possibility of malignant misfortune I’m quite aware

I’m sinking into this murky land, and in time me it will overthrow

I’m lost in this pine forest of permanent wretchedness and despair

Every tree I see has been poisoned with rigorous uncertainty

I fear that someday from one of these trees of unease you’ll find me hanging

Every tree is contaminated with spoilage and anxiety

I fear that someday hanging from one of these trees is where you’ll find me

Contaminated with rigor mortis and harrowing anxiety

Hung from a sick tree poisoned with grievous uncertainty

A sorrowful reality and a tired brain that’s not at all well

My fascination for existence is fading, and on that I dwell

Living in fear is not living

Living in fear is life pausing

Living in fear are moments suffocating

Living in fear is dying to really live

Living in fear is waiting on living

Living in fear are splendid moments dying

Lurid reality become my nightmares

Macabre nightmares become my reality

Living in fear in not living

It’s still hiding in my shadow while I am sleeping

Living in fear is waiting on living

These abnormal concerns are beyond unnerving

Living in fear is dying to live

When it grabs me I feel the weakest

This is when dawn feels the bleakest

Another night and day to try to keep it at bay

Lurid reality become my nightmares

Macabre nightmares become my reality 

I cover my ears, but it I still hear

Dying to live while living in fear

I absorb the darkness before the dawn

Sunlight isn’t always enough to go on

I cover my bleeding ears, but still I clearly hear

Last breaths of moments screaming loud

Moments dying in fear

By Adam Keith McElwain 

Copyright Adam Keith McElwain Poetry